As the high holidays approach, I hear the same story again and again. A divorced parent says they plan to bring a new partner to the family holiday dinner, and the children announce that they will not come.
Sometimes the message arrives through the other parent, delivered like an ultimatum. Sometimes it comes directly from the child, in a few words at the door.
Holiday dinner is not the place for a first meeting with a new partner
(Photo: Shutterstock)
The question parents usually ask me is a legal one: Am I allowed to bring my partner? Can my ex stop me? Can I make the children come? I understand why they ask. But those are rarely the questions that will save the evening.
It may not be rebellion
In most divorce proceedings, children are not sitting in the room when their parents negotiate the agreement. They are not parties to the negotiations and do not sign the document. Sometimes their views reach the room only through their parents.
They are handed the finished arrangement and told that it is in their best interests. Then a holiday arrives, and it becomes clear that children still have one tool that is particularly easy to use: saying no.
That is why I would not rush to treat such a refusal as rebellion or disrespect. Sometimes it is a request expressed in the only language the child has learned will get a response.
Behind it may be fear that someone is taking another parent’s place, loyalty toward the other parent, or simply a need to know what to expect from an occasion that already carries emotional weight.
And the other parent has not necessarily incited the children. Sometimes they simply did not know about the plan either. Automatically assigning blame is often one of the reasons the evening deteriorates in the first place.
The problem may be the timing, not the relationship
There is nothing wrong with a parent wanting to bring a new partner to a holiday gathering. Wanting to stop hiding an important relationship is entirely legitimate. The new partner may also have been part of your life for some time and understandably wants to be recognized as such. That, too, is reasonable.
The real issue is timing. If the children have not yet met your partner, do not make holiday dinner their first encounter. Arrange a small meeting beforehand, without an audience. After even one short introduction, the holiday table is likely to feel far less intimidating. And if there is no time to do that introduction this year, it may be better to wait until the next holiday.
One holiday will not determine the future of your relationship. An evening that goes badly, however, can damage your relationship with your children for months.
Att. Ben SendikPhoto: Marine CohenHoliday dinners provide almost all the wrong conditions for a first meeting. There is no natural way to cut the encounter short, there is an audience, there is always a relative ready with an awkward remark and the meal can last for hours.
A first meeting needs an escape route. It should be brief, in a neutral setting and easy to end. A park, an ice cream or a short outing together can work. A holiday dinner usually does not.
What does the law say?
As a general rule, the other parent does not automatically have veto power over who is present in your home while the children are staying with you. But that does not mean a parent has an unlimited right to do whatever they choose.
A divorce agreement or court order may provide otherwise, and if there is a concrete concern that a situation could harm the child’s welfare, a court may intervene. The older and more mature the child, the greater the weight that may be given to their wishes.
An important qualification is necessary here: This advice concerns ordinary disagreements between divorced parents. If there is a concern about violence, sexual abuse or any genuine danger to a child, the situation is entirely different. Professional authorities and, where necessary, the courts should be contacted immediately. The child’s safety comes first.
But even a parent who is legally in the right can lose the conversation with their child. You can win the argument over whether you have the right to invite someone and still end up with a child who refuses to come.
That is why giving the other parent advance notice is not about asking permission. It is simply a sensible way to avoid surprises. A message can be simple: “I wanted to let you know that X will be joining us for the holiday. I’ll speak with the children beforehand, and if there’s anything you think I should know, we can talk.”
The other parent may not like the decision, but at least they will not be surprised, and the children will not walk into a situation for which nobody prepared them.
Plan for the disputes your divorce agreement cannot predict
Many divorce agreements divide holiday time between the parents but say nothing about what happens when a new disagreement arises.
There is no need for an agreement to specify who will sit around the table two years from now. It can, however, establish a simple mechanism for resolving future disputes: first a direct conversation, then, if necessary, a focused mediation session and, in cases of prolonged high conflict, assistance from a parenting coordinator.
People often think of divorce mediation solely as a way to reach the original settlement. But the mediation room does not have to close permanently once that agreement is approved.
Parents who divorced years ago can return for one or several focused sessions without reopening their entire divorce agreement. They can work out arrangements for holidays, new partners and how significant changes should be communicated to their children.
In every mediation, I try to imagine the children sitting in the room with us. Not because I can speak for them, but because it reminds everyone that every clause eventually reaches a real child, in a real home, on a real holiday evening.
The most important question is not who is legally right or who gets a seat at the table, but rather what your children will remember about that holiday 10 years from now.
- Attorney and mediator Ben Sendik advises couples on divorce proceedings and parenting arrangements