"A woman who wants to enjoy her sexuality needs to take ownership of it," says Limor Bendel, a couples and sex therapist specializing in long-term desire. She explained the foundations of a Yoni massage—a traditional tantric practice aimed at bringing pleasure and healing to the vulva (yoni is Sanskrit for vulva).
“We fight for independence in so many areas of life,” she says, “but then we get to the bedroom and expect him to be responsible for our pleasure, our arousal, our orgasm. That’s a mistake. My pleasure is in my hands. My arousal is in my hands.”
Before entering a sexual encounter with a partner, Bendel says, “I want to reclaim responsibility for my own sexual arousal. You don’t need to turn me on—it’s not your job.”
She points to pornography culture as a major influence in shaping skewed expectations: “This idea that a man immediately touches a woman’s vulva—that’s straight out of porn. You know, the woman’s sitting by the pool, the gardener walks in, and the first thing he does is go down on her.”
“Or men rushing to rub a woman’s clitoris like they’re waiting for a genie to pop out,” she adds. “Then women wonder why it takes them 30 minutes to orgasm—or why they don’t at all. The answer? They weren’t aroused. Their genitals were touched too quickly.”
So what’s the alternative?
“Sexual arousal starts with being connected to the erotic, sensual, juicy woman within you. It’s not about ‘he needs 30 minutes to warm you up.’ Your sexual energy is yours. It’s your life force. So I play with it throughout the day—I’ll dress sexy, remember that I’m an erotic being, flirt, laugh, enjoy life, and reconnect with myself and my body.”
The idea, Bendel explains, is that arousal is playful and ongoing—it doesn’t start only when your partner gets home.
“To activate that energy, I might take a few minutes to text him: ‘Tonight, you and I are going to explore my yoni.’ Or I’ll describe exactly what I want to happen tonight. All the tips I’ll share in this episode—those can be exchanged as sexy messages throughout the day. So by the time you get to the encounter, you’re already warmed up.”
“People complain—‘We’re at work, there are kids, laundry’—but really, your erotic self is only asking for a few minutes of attention during the day.”
I’m all for it. Those messages will only give you little “boosts” of happiness throughout the day and make you want to finish work as quickly as possible so you can be together.
“We’re building excitement together—long before we even get close to the yoni. I recommend having these erotic exchanges in a dedicated WhatsApp group, separate from your regular chat, a group devoted exclusively to sexy messages.
“It’s also important for me to say that taking responsibility for my sexuality first and foremost—with myself—means being connected to my vulva. Really doing some auto erotic exploration before I even get to the bedroom. We’re talking here about massage with the hands, but before you expect him to give you that kind of massage, I suggest you practice on yourself.
“Take these tips and explore with your fingers which areas feel good and pleasant to touch, which areas turn you on and arouse you. Then, when he pleasures you with his fingers, you’ll be able to be very precise and guide him.”
"There are women for whom penetration is experienced as a very, very painful act, because they’re dry and not sexually aroused," Limor qualifies. "Then penetration is felt as something painful. There’s also an entire world of disgust and aversion connected to the female genitals—deeply negative emotional experiences tied to how we feel about ourselves and our bodies. So in this process, I strongly recommend being very gentle with ourselves and approaching sexuality with a lot of compassion. And if something doesn’t feel good—don’t continue, and let your partner know."
Okay, so after all that warm‑up and self‑learning, my partner and I meet. What’s the first thing we should do?
"We establish consent and desire, and if there’s been any negative experience in the past, this is the time to share it. Alongside pleasure, it’s very important to remember hygiene: trim your nails and wash your hands with soap. We don’t want any injuries here—the woman’s yoni is a very sensitive organ. It’s not sexy, but it’s extremely important if we really want a pleasurable experience.
"When it comes to touch, most men make the mistake of going straight to the breasts, straight to the butt, straight to the genitals—and that mistake causes a sharp drop in a woman’s sexual desire. Women tell me it sometimes makes them feel like sex dolls—there’s a strong experience of objectification. But when a man understands his ability as a lover to amplify his partner’s sexuality, because he wants sex that both sides truly enjoy, he understands that female sexuality begins from the outside in, and only at the very end does touch reach the genitals.
"The most important thing in sexuality, beyond sexual communication, is a sense of safety. When a woman feels safe, the wild, juicy, sexy tigress comes out—but for that to happen, she needs trust. She needs a safe space. And we’re talking here about a yoni massage, which is the most intimate, most sensitive thing—a very, very delicate gateway. So before starting, let’s allow that space. Let’s do a kind of reset for the whole day and create a soft, safe bubble together. You can start by stroking her head, to help quiet the thoughts a bit.
"At the back of the neck is the cerebellum, which is responsible for orgasms, so it’s really worth massaging it, releasing and opening it. Slowly move to kisses on the nape, gentle bites on the nape, massaging between the shoulder blades—an area that releases endorphins and also stores a lot of stress and tension.
"Then we arrive at the heart. And if there are trust issues between you, or if you’ve argued recently and hurtful words were said, this is where real heart‑healing can happen. You can take almond oil or coconut oil, warm it up, and really open the heart area long before you reach the yoni—massage the area and say words of apology to one another."
It’s also worth reminding the woman to keep breathing deeply as she surrenders.
“With women who struggle to let go and quiet their thoughts, I work with their need for control. A thought pops up about the dishes, you’re afraid Rani will wake up any second, that the kids will hear you moaning—instead of staying in those thoughts, focus on what’s happening right now in the sexual moment. Okay? You work control with control.
“Literally translate his touch into thoughts—tell yourself in your head how his hand is moving along your body right now. ‘Wow, it feels amazing that he’s touching my nipple now—yes, right there.’ Instead of your thoughts drifting to unrelated places, let them accompany your lovemaking.”
How do you recommend actually massaging the breasts?
“You can massage inward, or in a spiral motion, finishing at the nipple. You can use what I call ‘fire touch’ there—more pinching, really pinching the nipple. You can move close to the nipple and blow warm or cool air with your mouth. You can also hold the breasts and give them a kind of shake—this wakes up sexual energy and causes your vulva to open and become wet. That’s the moment to move down to the thighs. Kiss and lick them, and really build what’s known as ‘edging’—the man gets close to the genitals but still doesn’t touch.”
What about a butt massage?
“Ahhh, a butt massage is a wonderful thing to give. You can have her lie on her stomach and massage the buttocks with both hands. You can use your fingers and really run them between the cheeks, slowly opening them. You can play with warm or cool oil—see what feels good for you.
“Then we start to glide with the fingers toward the vulva area, but without touching it yet—only the perineum below, close to the anus. This is a very erogenous zone that also begins to awaken the entire area, to awaken the vulva. One of the most amazing things is to cup the vulva while the woman is lying on her stomach. Literally place the vulva in the palm of your hand. One hand behind, over the buttocks—that’s the area of feminine sexuality—and the other hand cupping the vulva from the other side. This creates trust at the highest level. It’s a very, very intimate moment.
“After this long massage, you should already feel your woman melting into your hands. You’ll feel her vaginal wetness, her love juices—as I like to call them—flowing onto your hand, without having inserted a single finger inside.
“With an asterisk, I’ll say that if your woman is over the age of 45, her estrogen may already have said goodbye, and even if she’s sexually aroused, she may not be wet. That’s normal, and it’s important for me to say that here—it happens and it’s natural. In that case, keep lubricant by the bed, especially if we’re about to start playing with fingers inside the vulva and bringing a woman to pleasure.”
An important clarification. By the way, even if a woman is dripping wet, that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s enjoying herself—it can sometimes just be a biological response.
“Exactly. Very precise. Okay, so we continue with the massage—this is the time to turn her onto her back, and before her lips, focus on the thighs. Really play with them until her vulva opens before us in all its glory, like a lotus flower.
“Then, with your fingers, you can allow her to feel different kinds of sexual stimulation in the genitals. Touching the outer labia creates one sensation, touching the inner labia creates another, and touching the clitoris when I’m sexually aroused and turned on is yet another kind of stimulation. This is the time to communicate and ask her what feels good.
“There’s what I call ‘earth touch,’ which is a firm touch where you really grasp the labia itself and run both hands along it, gripping from top to bottom, repeating this several times. Even though this isn’t a podcast about oral sex, one recommendation is to hold the labia before you reach the clitoris—to grasp it with your lips and create real suction on the labial area.
“We’ll want to open the flower with the fingers themselves, and after massaging one side, move to the other. From there we reach the inner labia. You can hold and gently pull them in a pleasant way—unless she asks for it stronger. This is also a recommendation for women: come with an experimental, curious mindset and decide that tonight you’re saying ‘yes’ to trying things. You can always stop him if something doesn’t feel good.”
It’s also important to remember that a woman will enjoy different types of touch throughout her menstrual cycle. As she approaches her period, one kind of touch will feel good, and after the period, another type—and it’s important to be aware of that. Maybe a certain kind of touch felt great yesterday, and today you need something else. It’s just your body, which is constantly changing.
“What you said is critical. Most women don’t know their cycle, don’t know their ovulation, and aren’t familiar with their own rhythm, and that’s a shame—because the entire monthly cycle affects our levels of arousal and pleasure.”
That’s the biological side, but there’s also an emotional one. Maybe I had a horrible day at work and I’m full of stress, so it’ll be harder to enjoy and let go. The key is to remember that you’re on a constant journey of exploration, and you can always stop if you’re done or have had enough.
“Exactly. I think the greatest gift a woman can give her man—and vice versa—is a space where you guide each other, express what you want, and share what feels good in the moment.”
What movements do you recommend for clitoral touch?
“Whatever the woman enjoys. You can hold the clitoris and jiggle it within its hood, or pull back the hood and touch it directly—depending on what she likes. You can move in a circular motion, up and down, or just explore with different types of finger grips. Using two fingers from each hand feels different than using two fingers from the same hand. You can roll, pinch, or grasp the entire vulva—really hold the outer lips and lift up and down. It’s a journey of exploration, where I allow myself—or my partner—to intuitively follow the fingers and discover what brings pleasure.”
And what about touch inside the vagina? Personally, I love when my partner asks before entering.
“Trust and communication are essential here, too. Sometimes the external touch we’ve had is enough, and sometimes a woman will want to continue exploring internally. Scientific studies show that the more sexually aroused a woman is, the more blood flows to the internal area. The internal clitoris swells, the G-spot swells, and internal pleasure becomes more intense. A woman can experience internal orgasms—but she has to be sexually aroused before we go in.
“So the recommendation is to go in slowly. And again, this is where ‘earth touch’ comes in—placing two fingers inside, touching the vaginal wall in a clockwise direction. For example, two fingers toward the 12 o’clock position, pressing against the wall, massaging gently. The internal clitoris is about two centimeters inside, so we start there—placing the pads of the fingers on that area and massaging it, then moving to other parts. Massage the left wall, then downward.
“There are 12 pleasure points—just like a clock—and we want to explore all of them, including the vaginal entrance, which is a very pleasurable area. The G-spot is generally located about 3.5 to 5 centimeters in. And remember—you’ve got another hand. So during this exploration, you can cup her breast, play with her nipple, kiss her, stroke her. You’re between her legs, in the holy of holies, in the magic cave. You can compliment her, praise her, admire her. Tell her, ‘Wow, you’re so beautiful.’
“When you reach the G-spot, use a finger to gently massage the area in a way that allows her to feel the pleasure it holds. You can use one or two fingers. You can use the ‘come hither’ motion, or two fingers moving one after the other. You can also try the ‘tapping’ method—gently drumming repeatedly on the spot.”
Many women who are unfamiliar with touch in this area might not feel much at first. If that happens to you—know that it’s completely normal. On the other hand, the kind of touch Limor just described might bring up a very intense sensation, like you’re about to pee—that means you’re approaching female ejaculation.
“Sexual arousal sends a lot of blood flow to the area, and then, from the red blood cells, interstitial fluid is released. That fluid fills the bladder, fills the glands, and a woman feeling like she absolutely has to pee—that’s her body preparing. But if she allows herself to release, she can experience female ejaculation.”
We haven’t mentioned this yet, but the origins of yoni massage are therapeutic. The vagina absorbs so much—emotional wounds, traumas, an entire personal history—and there’s something deeply healing about this kind of internal touch.
“That’s why I’ve repeated the word trust so many times in this podcast—because unfortunately, every woman has experienced sexual harassment in her life. I myself, tragically, went through two attempted rapes. As a child, I was sexually shamed when my breasts began to develop. And all of those wounds we carry as women—the sexual repression we’ve endured—get stored in our yonis, in our vaginas. That’s why sometimes, touch in certain areas can bring that pain right back.
“I have such a point in my body—a place that hasn’t yet been healed, even though I’ve been through countless yoni massages. For me, it’s up high on the left. There’s a spot of real pain there, created by a brute of a man who tried to do things to me against my will.
“Now, I ask my partner, Felix, to touch those areas. And even though it hurts, I stay present. I cry through the pain, cry through the grief, cry through the helplessness. And he, as a man, brings healing to that area, to that point, to that painful part of my life—and it’s all through yoni massage. There is so much healing in sexuality. To anyone who reduces it to something cheap, I always say: talk to me, and you’ll understand how much pleasure, how much healing, how much new reality can be born from this space.”