It is 9 p.m. The children have finally gone to sleep after asking for water for the tenth time and suddenly remembering everything that happened to them at school. You collapse onto the couch, exhausted. He gives you a meaningful look, but all you can see are the dirty dishes in the sink, the laundry waiting to be folded and the meat you defrosted that needs to become meatballs by tomorrow.
Maybe those piles of laundry are hiding sexual desire? So where is desire? Where is it hiding? The answer may lie in how you divide the household responsibilities between you.
In 2013, a large study published in the scientific journal American Sociological Review examined the link between the division of household tasks and the frequency of sex among married couples. The study included 4,561 couples, who were asked who does what at home, how often they have sex and how satisfied they are with their sex life.
The findings were surprising. Couples with more gender-traditional divisions of household tasks, with the woman cooking and cleaning and the man fixing the car and mowing the lawn, reported having sex more frequently and being more satisfied with their sex life than those with more egalitarian divisions.
The study found that the more men performed tasks traditionally perceived as "feminine", such as folding laundry or washing dishes, the lower the frequency of sex.
The researchers offered several explanations, ranging from the idea that overly egalitarian role division can create a "sibling" or "roommate" atmosphere that does not encourage erotic desire, which they viewed as rooted in gender differences, to the hypothesis that performing traditionally "feminine" tasks may leave men more fatigued and less likely to initiate sex, or even be perceived as undermining masculinity.
Sound outdated? You are not wrong. But before you toss aside the mop and send this article to the person sitting next to you, it is worth taking a closer look at the data. Although the study was published in 2013, the data were collected much earlier, more than 20 years prior, reflecting social norms of the late 1980s and early 1990s. The question is whether those findings are still relevant today. The answer is no.
Data collected from 2006 onward paint a different picture. Couples who share the burden more equally report a higher frequency of sex than traditional couples. In more egalitarian relationships, women experience less burnout and feel more appreciated, feelings that directly affect sexual desire.
But there is an important caveat: "helping" is not enough. Even in households where tasks are divided relatively evenly, the woman is often still the "captain". She assigns tasks, sends reminders, manages lists and carries the mental load.
Mental load is not the doing itself, but the management behind it: remembering that Tuesday is pajama day at kindergarten, tracking toilet paper supplies, scheduling a dental appointment and knowing when the car insurance expires.
Recent studies have found that mental load is a strong predictor of declining sexual desire among women. Researchers explain that when a woman carries most of the household management burden, she may at times feel that her partner is like another child at home who needs reminding and directing, a dynamic that breeds frustration and resentment.
Moreover, when so many things have to be held in mind, it becomes difficult to quiet the thoughts and surrender to playfulness and pleasure.
The takeaway is that fairness needs to apply not only to execution but also to management. When a man says, "Just tell me what to do", or "I will go shopping, just make me a list", he leaves the mental load with his partner. Instead, responsibility should cover the entire task, from planning to completion. Whoever does the shopping should check what is missing, prepare the list, compare prices and make the purchase.
Fair division does not require a strict 50-50 split or constant scorekeeping. What matters is a shared sense of fairness, where both partners feel they are a team, not a manager and an employee. When that is the feeling, sex can once again become a space of connection, pleasure and desire, rather than just another item on the to-do list.