"That's it. I finally managed to tell him I want us to sign a financial agreement," my friend told me, letting out a sigh of relief so loud that I suspect even our neighbors in Cyprus could hear it.
I was struck by how familiar and yet strangely different those words sounded. Twenty-something years ago, when my friends and I had conversations like this, it was usually the man who brought up the idea of a financial agreement. Sometimes it was his parents. We were all still at the beginning of our careers, but at least in our circle, the men generally had more money and property.
The new rules of love after divorce: Protect your heart and your assets
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That wasn't the only difference. Back then, the awkward conversation usually took place shortly before the wedding. My friend and her partner? They don't even live together. Nor are they planning to move in together anytime soon. They don't yet share a shelf in the refrigerator, but they're already discussing how to divide their assets.
When love comes with legal consequences
And before you dismiss her as suspicious or overly cautious, I later discovered that she's hardly alone. A lawyer I know told me that more and more couples entering new relationships after divorce are coming to her for precisely this reason. Yes, even couples who haven't moved in together.
Because hovering over the romance are two thoroughly unsexy Hebrew words: yedu'im batsibur, the Israeli legal concept of unmarried partners who may be recognized as a couple and acquire certain rights and obligations. Once upon a time, we wondered when a man would finally acknowledge us as his girlfriend. These days, we're worried that someone might legally recognize us as his partner.
Of course, some men try to avoid the subject with an appealingly innocent, romantic argument: "Why do we need an agreement? Our assets are worth roughly the same amount anyway. If we break up, we'll do it amicably. Neither of us is going to start a war."
It certainly sounds like the script of a heartwarming Hollywood romance. Except we already know that all these promises are made when we're at our very best, convinced that we'll grow old together watching the sunset. But the moment a relationship falls apart and one person gets hurt, When Harry Met Sally can turn into Apocalypse Now in a matter of seconds.
Some of us only have to remember our own breakups, or those of our friends, to understand that verbal promises aren't even worth a used napkin. More importantly, this conversation isn't about ego or distrust. It's about our basic responsibility to protect our children.
‘I don't need a man to put my life in order’
I also found myself thinking about how refreshing this reversal is. Some women now enter relationships after divorce with genuine financial independence. They're no longer waiting for a man to come along and put their lives in order. They simply want to make sure he doesn't mess up everything they've worked so hard to build.
And here, no doubt, the professional commenters will jump in: "Well, of course she has assets. She probably took everything in the divorce and left her first husband with nothing but his pajamas and no apartment."
Actually, no. Some of the women I know, including the friend who started this conversation, are successful career women who have worked incredibly hard to build their lives and savings with their own two hands.
Yet even these strong, independent women, who know perfectly well how to stand up for themselves, find it difficult to have this uncomfortable conversation. Just as in a first marriage, there's something deeply dispiriting about having to negotiate a financial agreement precisely when you're falling in love.
After all, part of the pleasure of falling in love is allowing yourself to dream. Maybe this time it will work. Maybe I've finally found someone around whom I can let down my guard. Instead, you're searching for the right moment to say: "I'm really happy you've come into my life. Now let's agree on how you're going to leave it."
The one thing no financial agreement can protect
And more than anything, I found myself wishing that, if we're going to sign these agreements anyway, we could add just one more clause: In the event of a breakup, each person gets back all the time they wasted.
Because we've finally learned how to protect our homes and our savings. But another two years with the wrong man? Somehow, that's still a risk we're sometimes willing to sign up for with our eyes closed.