For some women, a vibrator becomes the most reliable way to reach orgasm. But what happens when other forms of stimulation no longer seem to work as well? Does relying on a sex toy mean something is wrong, and what if a partner starts to feel that he is no longer enough?
Danit Harel, 50, a certified sex therapist and couples counselor, is a mother of two who lives and runs a private practice in Kfar Saba, central Israel. She explains why becoming accustomed to a vibrator does not necessarily mean developing an addiction, and why expanding sexual pleasure is often more useful than restricting it.
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'If a woman enjoys a particular way of reaching orgasm, there's no need to turn it into a problem'
(Photo: Shutterstock)
Some women say they've become so accustomed to sex toys that they can no longer reach orgasm without a vibrator. Is this common?
"I'm not sure how common it is, but the first thing is to take the pressure off. Sex toys aren't something to be afraid of. A woman who reaches orgasm with a vibrator hasn't 'damaged' her body.
"To me, the question isn't whether I'm using it too much, but how its use fits into my sex life. Does it give me more options? Do I feel it's limiting them? And does it actually bother me?"
Sex therapist Danit Harel
(Photot: Courtesy)
Why might it become harder to reach orgasm without a sex toy?
"A vibrator delivers intense stimulation, usually in a very consistent and steady way. Compared with hands or a tongue, for example, the path to orgasm can be shorter. Over time, you can get used to that, and other forms of stimulation that take longer may start to feel less effective.
"But if a woman enjoys a particular way of reaching orgasm and is happy with it, there's no need to turn that into a problem."
So if a woman says, 'I can only orgasm with a vibrator,' that isn't necessarily a warning sign?
"Not at all. If it doesn't bother her, I leave it alone. We're very quick to blame the vibrator, when the difficulty could be related to stress, low arousal, the relationship itself, hormonal changes, medication or simply the fact that she's discovered the type of stimulation that works best for her."
What happens when a male partner feels hurt because his partner can't reach orgasm through his touch alone?
"That's a much deeper issue. A man might think, 'If she needs a vibrator, then I'm not good enough,' while the woman might think, 'If I take it out of the drawer, he'll be offended.' From there, it's a very short road to secrecy, pressure and performance anxiety.
"It's something couples can talk about. You can say, 'This is the kind of stimulation my body really likes. I want us to explore together how we can incorporate it. It's not a replacement for your touch, it's an addition to it.' The vibrator doesn't have to compete with your partner."
Can someone actually become addicted to sex toys?
"There's no research evidence of addiction or long-term harm caused by using them. What I do look at, however, is whether the behavior interferes with everyday life.
"If a woman feels she has to stop in the middle of her workday to use a vibrator, for example, and that interferes with her ability to function, then it's something worth examining. Anything that disrupts our daily lives and prevents us from doing things isn't healthy."
Should women limit how often they use a vibrator to avoid becoming unable to orgasm in other ways?
"No. Instead of restrictions, I suggest introducing variety through choice. I don't want to take away something that works for a woman. I want to expand her range of options."
What can a woman do if she wants to learn to enjoy other forms of stimulation as well?
"She can start by paying attention to how she uses her vibrator: the intensity, where she places it, the position she's in and how long it takes her to reach orgasm.
"Then she can make a small change, perhaps using a slightly lower setting or moving it to a different position. Later, she can try combining different types of stimulation. Once her arousal is already high, she might put the vibrator aside for a few moments and switch to her partner's touch.
"My approach is that we don't take away the method that works. We add more methods, more experiences, more flavors."
So, ultimately, do you recommend that women use sex toys?
"Yes, absolutely. To me, it's about playfulness. Sexuality is a playground. We're there to discover our bodies, our partners and ourselves, and this is a wonderful tool for that exploration.
"For many women, it allows them to understand for the first time where they like to be touched, what intensity they enjoy, what rhythm works for them and what their own arousal feels like."
And Harel's final sex tip is a reminder that sexual pleasure is not something people are expected to have figured out from the beginning: "Sexuality is something we learn throughout our lives."