“I’m not going into the safe room now,” the teenager says. “I've had enough.” “Are you serious?” I ask impatiently. “What kind of nonsense is that? Get inside now.” He tries to argue, and I raise my voice in frustration. He reluctantly steps into the safe room. We hear one boom, then another.
“That's it, I’m going out,” he says. I look at my watch. Exactly two minutes have passed. I don’t have the energy to argue again. But this is not about going to the mall or meeting friends. We are talking about protecting our lives. How can I give in? So we argue again, and I am exhausted, angry and even more worried.
Many parents of teenagers and young adults are facing similar scenes right now. Every trip to the safe room or shelter turns into a heated family argument, with sirens, explosions and sometimes neighbors shouting in the background for everyone to hurry.
After one unusual night without sirens, when my brain finally felt like it was working instead of turning to mush, I decided to try to figure this out. I spoke with parents and teenagers to understand why some teens refuse to take shelter.
Many parents described their children as irresponsible, self-centered or living in a bubble that prevents them from grasping the seriousness of the situation. The teenagers themselves offered different explanations: “Enough. I can’t do this anymore", “I’ve had enough", “I’m just not afraid of it.”
So what’s really happening? Adolescence, which research suggests begins around age 9 and can extend into the late 20s, is a stage marked by major hormonal, emotional, cognitive and social changes. Their bodies change, and so do their moods. Some teens become more opinionated, others withdraw and appear uninterested in talking with their parents.
One of the most central processes during adolescence is the desire for independence and the formation of a personal identity. Psychologist Erik Erikson described identity formation as the core developmental task of this stage, alongside the pursuit of autonomy.
That means the very fear we all experience during wartime can sometimes trigger the opposite reaction in teenagers: defiance or confrontation with adults. It is a natural developmental stage, but it's not easy, especially now.
Sometimes defiance is actually anxiety. In many cases, the situation is more complicated than it appears. We may think the teenager is deliberately challenging us or failing to grasp the danger, but in reality, the child may be deeply anxious.
Research shows that children and adolescents living through war often experience emotional, psychological, behavioral and social difficulties, including worry, sadness, anxiety and depression.
Sometimes these feelings surface as extreme behaviors such as withdrawal, detachment or apathy, which can look like indifference from the outside. For some teens, anxiety becomes so overwhelming that sitting idly in a shelter intensifies the feeling. They feel a strong need to move, to “do something,” rather than sit and wait. Others experience physical reactions for the first time, such as tightness in the chest, irritability or claustrophobia triggered by anxiety.
It may also be simple exhaustion. Despite efforts to maintain routines through schoolwork, Zoom classes and teacher check-ins, these attempts often fail to address the deeper distress. Neither our children nor we have truly adjusted to the siren-fear-running to the shelter routine. Some children appear indifferent simply because they feel they cannot keep living in this cycle.
The situation inevitably affects the entire family and our relationships with our teenagers. Normally, when we argue with teens about clothes, allowance or screen time, we can usually find practical solutions. But this is different, and feels like a life-or-death issue.
Our fear for our children’s safety can push us to react with impatience and intensity, which only escalates tensions and fuels more arguments at home.
What parents can do
- Start a conversation. Talk with your children and try to understand the reasons behind their behavior. Remember that adolescence naturally includes conflict with parents. A 2017 study at the University of California examined teens’ perceptions of conflicts with their parents. It found that parental responses strongly influence how adolescents react. Teens who perceived their parents’ reactions as overly negative responded with more aggression. Parents who took a practical approach and shared their perspective were more likely to create constructive dialogue.
- Avoid criticism and judgment. Approach the conversation calmly. Decide in advance not to take things personally, not to feel offended and not to start with accusations. Instead of judging your child, try to understand why they resist entering the shelter. Is it defiance or fear?
- Set clear expectations. After listening to your teen, explain why it is important for them to remain in the shelter and why you cannot compromise on safety. Then ask what might make it easier for them to stay there. Maybe they can help with something inside the shelter or look after a younger sibling. Perhaps they have ideas for ways to pass the time more quickly.
- Choose your battles. Now may be the time to let go of other arguments that normally dominate family life, such as messy rooms or screen time. Flexibility matters. The circumstances are extraordinary.
- Teach calming techniques. If the resistance is rooted in anxiety, address it seriously. Simple coping tools can help, such as deep breathing, focusing on nearby objects or listening to music through headphones. If these strategies do not help, consider seeking professional support.
- Practice patience. A lot of it. We are living in an abnormal situation while trying to work, run households and cope with constant sirens and worry. Amid all of this, it is important to care for ourselves as well. Take a few minutes each day to breathe, step outside into the sun or simply release some tension. And in the midst of all this chaos, it helps to remember something simple: arguments are part of parenting. One day, when quiet returns, we may look back and realize that even in these difficult moments we learned to listen a little more closely, both to our children and to ourselves.