Many men struggle at the start of relationships as they try to balance being agreeable with standing their ground, wanting acceptance from a partner with being truly seen, and one-sided enthusiasm with mutuality. This is especially evident on reality TV shows such as “Married at First Sight,” where some men appear to lose the ability to balance the desire to be wanted by a woman they have just met with maintaining a sense of masculine backbone in a developing relationship.
When the imbalance leans toward the need for acceptance and love, men may lose themselves and become people-pleasers, indecisive or alternatively controlling and argumentative. When it leans toward maintaining composure, they may play games, disappear, display passive-aggressive behavior and engage in emotional manipulation — patterns I encounter daily in my clinic.
Men (and women) who prioritize peace and harmony over maintaining their own boundaries and standards often become people-pleasers and lose their sense of self in relationships. Especially early on, they avoid conflict and difficult conversations to keep their partner satisfied. But this is a slippery slope: they begin to lose their partner’s respect, increasing the risk of losing the relationship.
A man with low self-worth who cannot set boundaries or clearly communicate his standards erodes his own self-respect, making mutual respect less likely. Instead of holding boundaries — a pattern often seen on reality TV — such men either accept problematic behavior or repeatedly pressure their partners to change it. In doing so, they signal that any behavior, and any form of pressure, will ultimately be tolerated because their partner does not believe they will walk away.
For a woman to trust a man, she must first respect him, and respect grows from knowing that not every behavior toward him is automatically accepted. When she crosses his boundaries and he responds by placating or flattering her instead of setting limits, that respect erodes.
Archetypal masculinity is marked by self-control and the ability to lead, just as archetypal femininity is associated with nurturing through sensitivity and empathy. Regardless of independence, women want to feel they can rely on their partner to lead, care for and protect them. Especially early in relationships, women often test this — sometimes subtly — through provocative dress or social media posts, creating distance, critical behavior, disrespect toward friends or family or flirting with others.
One of my favorite paradoxes in couples therapy is that to save a relationship, we sometimes have to be willing to let it go. This applies at the beginning of relationships and certainly after years in a partnership in deep crisis. A man who cannot walk away, despite his desire or infatuation, or pull back his investment while clearly explaining why, will never earn a woman’s respect. If, because of his beliefs about himself and about love, he is unwilling to accept that the relationship might end, he will be unable to put the relationship and his love to the test and will quickly be taken for granted.
We fear the end of relationships mainly because of the fear of abandonment and being alone. Adults often confuse abandonment with rejection, just as they confuse excitement with anxiety early in relationships, even though the two are fundamentally different. Abandonment belongs to childhood; rejection is a normal adult experience that must be tolerated.
Intense abandonment anxiety in adulthood usually stems from past trauma, often involving parents or peers, and is displaced onto fear of rejection. A man shaped by such experiences may believe he is unworthy of love or must earn it, making it impossible for him to leave a relationship. He becomes a people-pleaser, avoids confrontation and remains driven by unresolved abandonment anxiety, rooted in deep shame and an old emotional wound.
Fear of loneliness is a major force behind staying in many relationships. Anxious about being alone, people cling to partners and remain in bad or mediocre relationships that do not meet their needs. In doing so, they block the possibility of deep, meaningful connection. When a partner is valued mainly for security or protection from loneliness, the relationship is driven not by authenticity, but by dependence and clinging.
A man who respects himself must act in ways he can value. If he behaves in ways that undermine his own needs and self-respect, he cannot expect his partner to value him. When a man takes responsibility for his life and relationship, he often commands greater respect from his partner, not less.
A self-confident man communicates his standards and sets boundaries respectfully and clearly. This means stating what matters to him, what behavior he will not accept and what he expects going forward — while showing he is willing to step back or walk away if those boundaries are crossed. If he does so and the behavior does not change, it signals the relationship may not matter enough to her. A woman will not respect a man who does not respect himself by upholding his standards and boundaries.
When a man clings to a relationship out of desperation or anxiety, he is likely to lose it. Lacking self-control, he struggles to assert what matters to him and stand by it. Fear of being alone makes it hard to be assertive, to ask for what might threaten the relationship or to show up authentically. Only when a person is willing to fight for a relationship from a place of “come hell or high water,” including being willing to lose it, does the possibility for real repair emerge.
Men should ask themselves whether they are setting boundaries or sabotaging the relationship. The difference is that one pushes her away, while the other may draw her closer. Many men confuse boundaries with punishment or withdrawal, but that is self-sabotage. Boundaries are calm, clear statements that teach the other person how you need to be treated. They address recurring behavior simply and respectfully. Clear, consistently maintained boundaries create healthier relationships because they make each person’s position unmistakable.
Roi Zur is a clinical social worker, psychotherapist and couples therapist.