Efrat Manor is a clinical social worker, sex therapist and director of Bishvil HaMiniyut (For Sexuality), a sexual therapy clinic. She is married, has two children and lives in Tel Aviv.
Let’s talk about sexual chemistry. What does it actually mean?
"People tend to think sexual chemistry is a spark that either appears the moment two people meet or it doesn’t. But in real life, it’s a combination of many things. There’s attraction and curiosity, but also the way you communicate, how naturally the conversation flows, your ability to laugh and be silly together, and the feeling that you can be free and authentic.
Efrat Manor. ‘Two people can be very attracted to one another but discover that sex between them does not work’
(Photo: Lia Yaffe)
“In a sexual context, it is expressed through looks, touch, flirting, rhythm and the sense that both people can read and understand one another. Chemistry is therefore not only a momentary feeling, but also something that develops within a relationship.”
So sexual chemistry and sexual attraction are not the same thing?
"No. It’s important to distinguish between them. Sexual attraction is the desire to get closer, the butterflies in your stomach and the feeling that the person in front of you is attractive. You can’t always create attraction out of thin air, and if there’s no attraction over time, it’s worth exploring what that means for the relationship.
“Chemistry, or sexual compatibility, is broader and can be developed. Two people can be very attracted to one another but discover that sex between them does not work, or that they still do not know how to communicate. On the other hand, a couple that did not begin with fireworks or overwhelming initial attraction can gradually develop a satisfying, intimate and fulfilling sex life.”
What do people mean when they say, ‘There is no sexual chemistry between us’?
"They could mean many different things. Sometimes there’s no attraction. Sometimes there isn’t enough sex. Sometimes the sex isn’t satisfying. And sometimes one partner simply doesn’t feel safe enough to talk about how they feel.
"The phrase ‘there’s no chemistry’ has become an umbrella term for everything that isn’t working. But when you break it down, you often discover that what’s missing isn’t some mysterious chemistry—it’s familiarity, communication and a sense of safety around sexuality. People guess what their partner wants, get hurt, stay silent and drift apart instead of asking questions and talking openly."
How can sexual chemistry be built?
"First and foremost, through curiosity. Couples need to learn how to talk openly about sexuality, needs and desires. Ask what feels good, what doesn’t, what works, what doesn’t, what you’d like to try and where your boundaries are.
"When there’s deep friendship, trust and communication, sexuality also has room to grow. Humor and playfulness can help tremendously as well. Not every conversation has to be heavy or serious. In fact, sometimes the ability to laugh, be creative and keep discovering each other is exactly what brings a sense of freedom back into your sexual relationship."
Can you be in love without sexual chemistry, or experience chemistry without love?
"Absolutely. Love and sexual chemistry are two different systems. They influence each other, but they can develop at different paces.
"I meet couples who love each other deeply but have very little sexual intimacy, or major differences in desire. One partner wants sex more often, the other less. One needs spontaneity, while the other needs gradual intimacy and a sense of security. One wants to experiment, while the other prefers familiar, calmer sexuality.
“There can be great love between them, but also enormous embarrassment when it comes to talking about sex. In such cases, we build a shared language in the clinic that allows couples to discuss the subject without criticism or shame.”
When does a lack of chemistry point to genuine incompatibility?
“If, over time, there is no attraction, no curiosity about the other person’s sexuality, no desire to become closer and no willingness to understand what is happening or try to change it, there may be an incompatibility.
"But in most cases, when couples come to my clinic, they genuinely want to work on things. And what I usually find is that the problem isn’t a lack of chemistry but a lack of conversation. Once couples begin speaking honestly about their desires, boundaries, differences and disappointments, they often discover they already have a strong foundation to build on."
What happens to couples who once had great sexual chemistry but feel it has faded over the years?
"Usually it doesn’t disappear just because of routine, but also because of everything that accumulates between partners: criticism, anger, feelings of rejection, frustration and emotions that are never discussed.
"All of these things damage emotional security and create distance, leading to less desire and less motivation to be physically close.
"On the other hand, couples who remain curious about each other, respect one another and continue talking about sex, even outside the bedroom, can maintain sexual chemistry after 20 or even 30 years together.
"Sexuality isn’t something that simply takes care of itself. It requires attention, nurturing and the courage to keep getting to know each other."
Sex tip: “Instead of focusing on why desire has faded, cultivate the conditions that allow it to return.”