"Dangerous Relationships," a new book, by Haaretz journalist Ayelett Shani and clinical psychologist Efrat Harel Heyman, published by Modan, examines the hidden mechanisms behind toxic relationships and narcissistic abuse.
It is a relationship that begins with dizzying courtship and the feeling that no one has ever loved you this way, but slowly, without you noticing, it changes. The book seeks to answer questions such as: What are the traits of an abusive personality? What does overt and covert emotional abuse look like? How does gaslighting rewrite and distort your reality? How does abusive language make you feel that he is always right and you are always to blame? Why is it so hard to leave him, even when you are suffering? And what is the safest way out?
The following questionnaire, adapted from the book, is intended to help identify warning signs. The more statements that feel true for you, the more likely it is that the relationship may be dangerous or abusive.
You
- You notice that you are anxious, exhausted, short-tempered and in a constant state of unrest.
- You feel as though you are walking on eggshells, never knowing what might set him off.
- You prefer to give up events, opinions or positions in order to avoid conflict.
- Sometimes you feel as though you are about to “lose your mind.”
- You no longer trust yourself the way you used to.
- You worry that maybe he is right, and that you are not seeing or interpreting reality correctly.
- At times, you feel you are missing something, that something strange or unhealthy is happening under your radar, but you cannot quite put your finger on it or explain it to yourself.
- You experience intense emotional swings. One moment you feel on top of the world, and the next you feel empty and exhausted.
- You lose interest in activities you once loved.
- You distance yourself from friends, family and colleagues, and avoid social gatherings.
- You have no patience for people. You get angry on the road or in line, lash out at service workers and do not recognize yourself this way.
- You experience feelings you do not recognize from past relationships, such as suspicion, jealousy or competitiveness.
- You suffer from strange or new health problems you did not have before. Existing health issues have worsened significantly.
- You regularly use addictive substances, including sedatives, drugs or alcohol.
- You feel you need to ask him, or even ask his permission, before making important decisions.
- You neglect yourself, including your nutrition and personal care.
- There are times when you feel you are the only one keeping the relationship alive.
- You feel, and know, that at times in this relationship you act against your values, your conscience or red lines you had set for yourself.
- When you think about ending the relationship, you tell yourself it is impossible or unrealistic. You feel that you cannot give up the relationship, no matter what.
Him
- He is unpredictable. His attitude toward you can change in an instant, and you never know which version of him you will meet. The shifts are sharp and surprising: one moment he is charming and loving, the next he is cold and distant.
- He disappears and returns according to his wishes and needs, even when you had plans, and even when the plans were important.
- When he needs attention or support, he leans on you completely. When you need support, he is impatient or “tired.”
- His reactions are usually disproportionate. A small comment can lead to a major blowup or to him pulling away.
- When something displeases him, he responds with silence or disappearance.
- You find yourself chasing him, placating him and apologizing.
- You explain basic things related to empathy, respect and reciprocity, such as why something he said hurt you or how he should have responded in a social situation. The explanations do not help or change anything.
- When you disagree about something, you understand that for him it is “all or nothing.”
- Sometimes, when you tell him about something that upsets you, you are met with a blank stare. You feel he has no idea what you are talking about or why you feel the way you do.
- Other people see him differently than you do, and somehow, they always seem to be on his side.
- Your close friends do not like him and think he is not good for you.
- You catch him in small lies or half-truths, but he brushes them off or treats them as normal.
- Sometimes he normalizes behaviors or actions that make you feel anxious, repelled or afraid.
The relationship
- Things were so good between you when you first met. You are waiting for that period to return.
- At the beginning of the relationship, you felt you were his whole world. Over time, you feel pushed down his list of priorities, and that there are always things more important to him than you.
- You feel he no longer values you the way he once did, but when you raise it, he tells you he loves you.
- When you bring up a complaint or get angry at him, it always ends with you being the one who hurt him.
- When you tell him you were hurt by something he did, he does not apologize or take responsibility. He is never at fault.
- Sometimes, when you are angry with him, he shifts the conversation and begins talking about his own difficulties and distress. You do not get the chance to express your grievances because you have to comfort and appease him.
- When you argue, he uses intimate information you shared with him about your childhood, previous relationships or past traumas to turn the conversation back to you and make you feel that you are the reason for the problem.
- You argue with him about how certain events, which both of you witnessed, actually happened. He claims they happened differently.
- He responds to things you say with dismissal, eye-rolling or a raised eyebrow.
- You find yourself explaining and excusing his behavior to others, defending him and saying it was a misunderstanding or that he is going through a difficult period.
- He belittles or mocks you, supposedly as a joke. When you are hurt, he tells you that you have no sense of humor, that it is impossible to joke with you or that you are “too heavy.”
- You feel that no one else could understand the unique bond between you. Sometimes he says it outright: “No one understands what we have.”
- He claims he is the only one who truly knows and understands you, and that no one else knows or will ever know how to do that the way he does.
- Sometimes you feel he is jealous of you and your achievements, that he has trouble being happy for you, and that when others praise you, he quickly cools their enthusiasm. The two of you do not talk about it.
- You feel you have to extract information from him, almost by force. He does not share willingly, and you struggle to see the full picture.
- There is a gap between what he promises will happen and what actually happens. There are always other people to blame when he is late, misses something, disappears or is unavailable.
- He often criticizes your family and friends, attributing negative intentions to them toward you or in general.
- You feel there are various things about the relationship that are unfair or unequal, but that you have no choice except to let them pass.