How is it that two siblings (or three, or five) born to the same parents can be so different? We’re told personality is shaped by a combination of genetics and environment, so if they share the same home and much of the same DNA, how did that happen?
We won’t delve into genetics here, although it’s clear that each child receives a different mix of genes from each parent. So what is “environment”? The primary environment is the home—and the home is the same home, right? Not exactly. Parenting itself changes over the years. With the first child, we’re fairly clueless and, naturally, make all the mistakes. With the second, we’re more experienced, but now we’re juggling a demanding toddler and a crying infant. The third, as the saying goes, raises themself—because we’re tired, worn out and, above all, already understand that nothing is the end of the world: one more cookie, one more episode, a later bedtime.
But it’s not only the changes we go through as parents. The family as a whole changes as siblings are born and the family expands. Not only do children’s personalities matter, but also each child’s position within the family.
Pause for a moment and think about yourself. Where are you in your family’s birth order? As a firstborn, middle child or youngest, did you develop certain traits or abilities different from your siblings’? Were you expected to take responsibility for younger siblings and grew into someone who takes responsibility for everyone? Were you the last to stay at home with your parents and still worry about them more than anyone else?
This is, of course, a broad generalization, and clearly not every family produces firstborns, middle children and youngest siblings with similar traits. What matters for us as parents is being aware of our influence on each child—how we may treat them differently because of their place in the family and, without intending to, encourage less healthy dynamics between them. Often, it happens through familiar phrases like these:
'She’s little — give it to her'
The baby wants her older sister’s doll. “Give it to her,” we say. We want to teach the firstborn, who until now felt everything was hers, to share. But when we keep repeating this—even when the younger child reaches the age at which the older one was first asked to give in—we create a pattern. One child always gives in; the other is always accommodated.
That pattern can follow them not just now, but throughout life. The older child may grow into someone who always gives up—on everything, to everyone, to please. The younger may grow into someone who always expects others to give in—to everything, all the time.
Take note: Avoid fixing roles within the family. Teach concrete ways to share (taking turns, for example), and address requests less to one specific child (“You give in”) and more to all the children together (“I trust you to work it out”).
'Who gets to the shower first?'
Phrases like this often serve us in the short term, because they get kids moving quickly—in order to win. The result: we encourage competition between siblings. That competition can show up in insults, hitting or small acts of sabotage behind our backs.
If there’s a big gap in physical ability between siblings, the bigger, faster or more athletic child will always win, while the other is left with a sense of frustration and failure that can carry over into their relationship.
Take note: Don’t encourage competition. The world is competitive enough; home should be the safe place where you’re not ranked by performance. Want to motivate your kids? Do it without damaging their relationship. Make a shower schedule, turn tidying up into a song or come up with other creative solutions.
'He’s going to soccer, so you’ll go to basketball'
The flip side of competition is rigidly fixing territories. When there’s room for only one person in each “seat” at home—she’s the smart one, he’s the artist, she’s the athlete—we create rigidity and a lack of flexibility.
If my sibling is “the smart one,” who am I? The other child may wonder—and perhaps take on the role of the clown. If I’m “the smart one,” what happens if I get a poor grade? Maybe I should hide it, because if I’m no longer smart in my parents’ eyes, then who am I?
Take note: Don’t label. Separate the trait or interest from the person. Instead of “you’re our artist,” say “you draw beautifully.” That’s not your identity; it’s one of many qualities you have. In our home, everyone is allowed to be who they want to be—experiment with activities, behaviors and family roles—without hearing, “Your sibling already chose that,” or “That’s not how you should act.” If behavior is inappropriate, explain what is appropriate.
'Why can’t you be more like your brother?'
He’s the “by-the-book” child: organized, responsible, a good student, polite. Then the second child arrives, sees that this seat is already taken and (unconsciously) does the opposite: energetic, messy, athletic, loud.
It’s important to understand that being different doesn’t mean one child is “better” than the other. He has flaws, too; she has strengths. Each child has a range of traits, and we must not judge which of our children is “better.” If she’s not like him, what does she feel—that she’s not good enough in our eyes? That she’s accepted only on condition?
Take note: Don’t compare children. Comparisons harm self-esteem and create competition instead of solidarity and cooperation. Each child has a different temperament, different qualities and a different pace—and we love and accept all of them exactly as they are. Want to encourage a child to act a certain way? Do it without comparing them to their siblings.
'Give it to him — he’s miserable'
Some children (and adults) live with a constant sense of being wronged. It shows up in phrases like “That’s not fair” or “Why does he get it and I don’t?” We need to pay attention to how often this is said—and, more importantly, not get drawn into debates or give in just because one sibling has something.
Sometimes it starts with the birth of a sibling. In our eyes, the older child is “miserable” and deserves compensation for the attention that’s been taken away. First, we need to change that mindset. He’s not miserable because a sibling was born; he received a gift—a companion for life. If we focus on compensating him, those “compensations” can drag on for years.
Take note: Don’t raise a child with a sense of deprivation. Cut off repeated “that’s not fair” claims without debate. If you decide to buy shoes for Child A because he truly needs them, don’t be dragged into buying shoes for Child B just because “it’s not fair.”
In conclusion
Siblings are a gift for life. From siblings, we learn how to play together and side by side, negotiate, fight and make up, take responsibility, build friendship, cooperate, care for others—and, above all, that you will always have someone in the world.
Our role as parents is to ensure siblings aren’t locked into roles, that we don’t label or compare them or encourage competition, and that we create positive shared experiences and many opportunities for cooperation.
One final note: comment less on their fights and highlight their good interactions more. Speak less to each child individually and more to them as a group.
Phrases that encourage good sibling relationships:
- “You’re playing so beautifully together.”
- “You managed to put that puzzle together with great cooperation.”
- “Hold hands.”
- “What wonderful siblings you are.”
- “Remember, you’ll always have each other.”
- “Let’s try it together.”