He reached out just when you were finally settling down. You stopped checking his social media dozens of times a day. You no longer looked to see if he watched your story, updated his profile picture, or was online. You were finally reclaiming your life, and then, out of nowhere, came a short message: “Hey, how’s it going?” or “So, Tel Aviv Marathon?”
“This happens all the time,” says Yael Galili, a relationship coach. 'Women of all ages ask why, just when they’ve come to terms with the breakup and let the guy go, he suddenly reappears. It’s not magic or a coincidence. It’s biology, it’s psychology, and above all, it’s a recognizable pattern."
Please explain.
“Men and women experience breakups differently,” Galili explains. “There’s a clear difference in how and at what pace each of the partners processes a breakup.
"Women tend to feel the emotional pain immediately. They talk, cry, analyze, and process the breakup from every possible angle. Men, in contrast, often seem to move on quickly. They might jump into a new relationship or immerse themselves in work, sports, or social life. If they feel a void, they fill it with distractions."
A study from Binghamton University in New York suggests that while women experience breakups more intensely at first, they generally recover better. Men, by contrast, may seem strong and composed initially, but about three months in, when the distractions fade and the quiet sets in, they begin to feel the emotional weight.
It often happens when he realizes you’re not just moving on, but thriving, he starts to process the breakup, and that’s usually when the messages begin.
“I see this again and again,” Galili says. “Just as a woman begins to recover and let go of the need to be chosen, the ex tends to resurface. It’s not because he’s changed, but because she has. She’s developed inner strength, confidence, gratitude, joy, and courage.
"She has let go of him, of the fantasy, and the narrative she built around him. That emotional stability can be magnetic, even to someone who was once overwhelmed by it.” This creates a unique opportunity, she adds, not to bring someone back, but to choose yourself, even when he returns.
What do these messages really mean? How should they be treated?
When an ex sends a vague message like “Hey, what’s up?” or shares a memory-related photo, it’s rarely the result of emotional clarity or a well-thought-out decision.
“It’s usually a light probe, a check-in to see if the flame is still burning—if you’re still there and reachable,” Galili says. “He may not want to get back together. More often, he’s reacting to a loss of control. When he senses that you’re no longer his, that your presence is truly gone, his brain reacts instinctively.
"That’s when the limbic system, the part of the brain responsible for emotional bonds, kicks in like a fire alarm. When something that once provided emotional comfort disappears, it can feel like a crisis, similar to the craving for sugar, alcohol, or a cigarette. You don’t need to be addicted, habit alone is enough.
"That’s often what drives men to reach out to an ex, Galili says. It’s not always rational or intentional.
“It’s important to understand the difference between a man who reaches out because he misses you and a man who chooses to reconcile with awareness, responsibility, and emotional maturity,” says Galili. “The first is acting on impulse, curiosity, or emotional pain. The second is coming from a place of both heart and mind."
So how can you tell the difference?
“If he’s just checking to see if you’re still there, what he really wants is to feel emotionally safe again, without committing or showing up in any meaningful way,” Galili says. “If he genuinely wants to re-establish the relationship, he’ll make that clear. He’ll call, he’ll initiate, he’ll propose a real discussion, rather than settling for a casual ‘Hey, what’s up?'
What if he invites you to a movie or a concert?
“If he texts a message like ‘Want to see a movie?’ or ‘How about going to that concert together?’, that’s not a real invitation to reconnect. It’s just another way to check if you’re still emotionally available,” she explains. “A man who truly wants to re-establish the relationship doesn’t toss out casual questions. He’ll call or at least write clearly that he wants to talk and see you."
How should you respond to these messages?
“First, don’t be quick to reply,” Galili advises. “Not every message requires an immediate response. More important than what you say is understanding what you want and under what conditions.
"Ask yourself: What am I feeling about this text message, is it longing? Fear? Hope? That awareness helps you identify whether this is a familiar pattern, a matter of ego, or a real opportunity for healing."
“Don’t try to prove anything, and don’t be polite at the expense of your values or identity", Galili adds. "You don’t need to show him you’ve changed or that he missed out. If you’ve grown, he’ll feel it without you saying a word."
“Remember: If he’s coming back with something meaningful, it won’t be through a random message. He’ll initiate a conversation, take responsibility, and be present. If you sense it’s just another check-in, but you’re still curious and want to see if he’s serious, direct him to call you at a time that works for you.
"A man who isn’t interested in something real probably won’t make the effort. But if he does call at the time you set, and has something new to say, he’ll say it. If the conversation doesn’t move toward a clear message, such as ‘I’ve thought it over and I want to give us another try,’ then politely end the call and move on."
Galili concludes, “A message from an ex can shake you, but it can also reflect your own growth. If, in the past, a message like this would have excited or rattled you, and now you pause, breathe, and check in with yourself first, that’s a clear sign that not only has the ex resurfaced, but so have you. You’ve come back to yourself."
And what if you still miss him?
“To avoid getting swept up in longing, you need a strong inner core, grounded self-worth, and a clear goal to build a healthy, meaningful relationship with a healthy, meaningful partner,” Galili says. “If you’re still struggling, you can always seek counseling or guidance to help strengthen your emotional and mental resilience. That way, even if you miss him, you won’t lose yourself in the process."