Mati Weinberg, 60, is a couples, personal and sex therapist, lecturer on ‘Men, women, different minds’ and host of the podcast ‘His brain, her brain’. He is married with three children and lives in Tel Aviv.
What does the term ‘sexual deprivation’ actually mean?
“Sexual deprivation is a situation in which one partner, a man or a woman, wants to have sex and it simply does not happen because the other partner does not want it, sometimes for months or even years. In my clinic I have seen couples who have sex once a month and others who have sex only twice a year.
“Usually, the partner who does not want sex decides whether sex will happen. I have also seen cases in which the woman set a fixed time for sex, only on Fridays at specific hours, and if the partner wanted intimacy on another day, it simply would not happen.
“There are also cases where sex does take place, but at an unreasonable frequency. What is reasonable? Every couple decides for itself. Once a week, three times a week or seven times a month. If it works for both, there are no rules. But when one side does not get what they need, complains, explains and asks, and the other side refuses and will not engage, it causes deep harm to the relationship and to the rejected partner. The repeated rejection creates a powerful feeling of being unwanted.”
Is sexual deprivation about control?
“Sometimes sexuality becomes a system of reward and punishment, and this exists in many homes. He helped me, he behaved well this week, he was with the kids or washed the dishes, so I will ‘give him’ sex.
“The whole concept of ‘giving’ sex should disappear. In sex, both sides should always be receiving. But in reality, there are couples where sex functions as a prize or a penalty. If he disappointed or hurt me, he will not get sex. In that situation, the partner who withholds intimacy controls the dynamic and uses sex as a strategy.”
Is the partner who withholds sex usually the woman or the man?
“Research shows the phenomenon is more common among women, which is why men report more often that they are in the rejected position. My concern as a therapist is that this will be misinterpreted as a chauvinistic message, which it absolutely is not. The point is to understand what happens when sex becomes a tool of ‘give and take’ and what it does to a relationship.
“I once treated a couple where the man was the one who did not want sex, for nine years, and he did not cheat. When I tried to understand why, we examined everything. She wanted sex very much, and I asked him to look inward. Eventually, he said she had changed, that she no longer looked or dressed the same. I asked him whether he had looked in the mirror. He had changed too.”
What about cases where there is no desire because of depression, health issues or hormonal changes?
“I am not talking about illness or depression, where empathy and understanding are required and it would be unfair to demand anything. I am talking about healthy people, where it reaches a point that no one even remembers when the last time was, two or three months ago.
“Sex is a crucial glue in a relationship, beyond its health benefits. Some men and women lose it, sometimes because of age, sometimes hormonal changes, and sometimes because it simply matters less to them. Even then, there is room to say: my partner needs this, and I will try to meet them halfway.”
What about older couples? Isn’t a decline expected with age?
“The common claim is that sex decreases with age, but I meet couples in their 50s and 70s who have more sex than people in their 30s. It depends on how the relationship was built and what happens inside it.
“There is a clear correlation between the quality of communication in a relationship and the quality of sex. You cannot expect good sex where there is no basic communication or understanding. And if the sex is good despite no communication, it usually means it is filling a need and nothing more.”
So what can couples do?
“The first step is an honest, open conversation where both partners express their feelings and needs. It is essential to understand what is behind the decline in intimacy. Emotional burnout, relationship issues, medical problems or habits that have been frozen for decades.
“Many couples have sex in the same way for years, without variety, emotion or renewal, which leads to frustration and distance. Couples therapy can help change perceptions, restore awareness and rebuild intimate communication, based on the understanding that if you want a different result, you have to behave differently.”