In an era when people no longer filter their opinions and every whim is recorded and uploaded to social media, it seems relationships, too, are expected to operate with complete transparency. In recent years, more and more couples boast that they practice “radical honesty.” "We tell each other everything, always and without censorship. That’s how we ensure a strong and healthy relationship."
A few years ago, a close friend of mine dated a man who woke her in the middle of the night and said he could not fall asleep because he did not know how many men she had slept with. The thought, he said, would not let him rest. He demanded that she tell him about every man she had ever slept with before they met. “I don’t want any secrets between us,” he said, attempting to soften the madness. “Tell me, and I promise I will never ask you about it again.”
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Radical honesty may cross your personal boundaries
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My stunned friend burst into tears. She felt, rightly so, that her partner was emotionally coercing her. The level of disclosure he expected left her no room to keep anything for herself. She tried to deflect, repeating how much she loved and valued him, but he refused to let it go. He pressed and pressed until she gave in and told him.
Did her absolute honesty bring peace to the relationship? Hardly. The man developed an obsession with her sexual past and, throughout the relationship, until she found the courage to leave him, he continued to shame her sexually.
Dr. Ilan Tal, a psychiatrist and psychotherapist at the Dr. Tal Center for Emotional and Mental Support, believes that partners confronted with such intrusive questions must protect their boundaries.
“I would clarify with that partner what he really wants to know and why it matters to him and examine with him what it means if I say I slept with two people, and what it means to him if he discovers I slept with 20", says Dr. Tal.
"I would then advise the woman to respond honestly, saying: 'I’m not comfortable sharing that', just as I would advise someone whose partner demands their Instagram password to say that some things should remain private", adds Dr. Tal.
“Being in a relationship is not the erasure of the self,” he adds. “Every person has an inner world, and a relationship is a meeting between individuals who respect each other. A healthy boundary is personal information that does not materially harm the relationship and is meant to protect one’s sense of self or the partner’s dignity. That can include fleeting thoughts, past experiences that are not relevant to the present, or intimate details that do not meaningfully contribute to the relationship.”
In Tal’s view, “radical honesty” can shrink personal space within a relationship. “The central question,” he says, “is how the information I hold affects the relationship in the present.”
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Dr. Ilan Tal. "Being in a relationship is not the erasure of the self"
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How can someone maintain boundaries when a partner demands to know everything?
“A demand for complete exposure often arises from anxiety or insecurity,” he says. “It’s important to explore what the goal of sharing is and what the partner fears. You can say, ‘I want to be honest with you, but there are things that are part of my private world.’ Boundaries are not walls. They are a framework that allows safe closeness. A good relationship relies on curiosity and intimacy, not interrogation.”
Are you against disclosing romantic and sexual history altogether?
“I believe that everything related to emotional and physical intimacy deserves to be discussed in some agreed-upon way, but not out of investigation, comparison or blame, rather out of curiosity and a desire to learn", Tal says. "Talking about previous relationships can help us understand what worked, what did not, and how to build a better relationship.
“Dialogues about sexuality in the present relationship are also important. I often meet couples who do not talk about preferences, fantasies or needs out of fear of being judged. That silence sometimes creates distance. Sexuality is a couple’s language, and like any language, it has to be learned and spoken together.”
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Dialogues about sexuality in the present relationship are important
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Dr. Tal recalls a man who came to his clinic unsure whether to tell his partner about a brief past relationship. As their sessions progressed, it became clear that his urge to share stemmed mainly from internal guilt and that the disclosure was not relevant to his current relationship.
“Our therapeutic work focused on understanding the source of the guilt rather than on the need to expose everything at any cost,” Tal says. “As the guilt decreased, the way he eventually shared the story was adapted to what his partner could handle.”
In another case, a couple avoided discussing their sex life for years because each assumed the other was not interested in talking about it. “When the topic was opened in therapy, it turned out both were afraid of being judged,” he says. “The conversation changed their intimate dynamic and actually strengthened their closeness.”
Honesty matters, but so do boundaries
“As a therapist, I see again and again that honesty is not just about telling the truth,” Tal says. “It is the ability to meet ourselves and the other person with respect, without emotional flooding, and through conscious, intentional choice. Honesty is an important value, but so are compassion, humanity, curiosity, intimacy and even boundaries, especially because the human psyche is not black-and-white. Honesty begins within us and in how we see the world and our partners.”
What about situations where someone has hidden a major secret, for example faking orgasms throughout the relationship, and now wants to tell the truth? Is honesty after prolonged concealment necessary?
“Hiding secrets is a different story,” Tal says. “A secret usually comes out eventually in some way, so it's better to disclose it. In cases of prolonged concealment, it is worth preparing for that conversation, thinking carefully about what to say, how to say it, in what setting and when to hold it.
“Our goal is to be as clear, accepting and non-offensive as possible. We cannot control whether our partner will be hurt. But it is important to explain why we did not share it until now, what we were afraid would happen, and what we hope will happen next.”
First published: 23:22, 02.20.26