For decades, couples therapists and researchers focused on one central question: How do partners support each other during times of crisis? The prevailing assumption was that a relationship’s resilience is measured by the ability to offer support in moments of distress or failure, to extend a hand in hard times.
But a growing body of research has revealed a surprising truth: How we respond to our partner’s successes and good news is no less important, and sometimes even more important, to relationship satisfaction and long-term stability than how we respond during difficulties.
The process of sharing good news with others is known in the professional literature as ‘capitalization.’ The term refers to expanding and amplifying the enjoyment of a positive event, much like an investment that generates returns. It describes any situation in which we share something good that happened to us, whether success at work or school, a compliment we received, a particularly challenging workout we completed, finding a parking spot, or anything else that lifted our spirits.
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Dr. Maayan Boiman Meshita: Focus on lifting your partner up, not tearing them down
(Photo: Seli Ben Arie )
Researchers have identified 4 possible responses to such sharing, divided along two axes: active versus passive, and constructive versus destructive.
Imagine, for example, that one partner comes home excited and proud and says they were promoted at work. There are four ways the other partner might respond.
Passive-destructive response
Complete indifference or changing the subject to personal matters, such as ‘You will not believe what happened to me.’ This response sends a clear message: I am not interested in hearing. What you just told me doesn't matter to me enough to even look up from my screen or whatever it is that I am doing.
Active-destructive response
Unlike the first, this response does engage with the news, but focuses on potential downsides and problems the good news might bring. It is a reaction that instantly dampens the joy and drains the excitement from the moment: ‘Are you sure you can handle the workload? That role is extremely demanding.’ Or: ‘Did you check if it's even worth it? They will tax you so heavily it might not pay off.’ Another example: ‘What does this mean, that you will be away from home even more?’
You probably know people who respond this way. They are often called ‘joy killers’ or ‘party poopers.’ When this dynamic exists at home, it harms the relationship, regardless of how good their intentions may be.
Passive-constructive response
A response that seems supportive but is actually lukewarm, such as ‘That’s nice.’ It's not offensive, but it also does not convey genuine participation in a partner’s joy. According to research, this type of response can make the other person feel unappreciated. Although classified as ‘constructive’ in the literature, it is negatively correlated with indicators of relationship quality. In practice, it signals disinterest and discourages future sharing.
Active-constructive response
The only response that consistently benefits the relationship. The responder shows enthusiasm and asks questions that allow the partner to relive the experience: ‘Wow. Tell me exactly what they said,’ or ‘That’s amazing that they see how much you invest and appreciate you.’
This kind of response conveys genuine interest and real partnership. It makes us feel truly seen, understood and listened to, not out of politeness but out of real care. It requires setting aside one’s own worries, jealousy or sense of threat and being fully present for the other.
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An active-constructive response creates a sense of genuine interest and real partnership
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While the first three responses undermine the relationship, the fourth strengthens it. Reactions to good news are so significant that a 2006 study by Shelly Gable and her colleagues found that partners’ responses to positive events predicted with considerable accuracy who would stay together and who would eventually break up. Couples more likely to separate were those in which responses showed indifference or dismissiveness toward a partner’s successes.
Gable wrote that sharing good news provides a safe opportunity to test a couple’s social support system. Just as an emergency alert system should be tested when there is no crisis to ensure it works, partners assess their support system during positive moments and learn how much trust they can place in the other person when times are less pleasant.
If you are reading this and realizing your responses have not been great so far, do not worry. Research shows that an active-constructive response is a skill that can be learned, not an innate trait.
In one study, couples who received a brief 20-minute training on the importance of active-constructive responding and practiced it for four weeks reported increased gratitude and relationship satisfaction. Not because the relationship changed dramatically, but because partners felt more seen and more valued. And that is a lot.
So how should you respond?
The next time someone shares something good that happened to them:
1. Stop what you are doing and give them your full attention.
2. Show genuine enthusiasm.
3. Ask open, curious and nonjudgmental questions such as ‘How did it happen,’ ‘What did you feel,’ or ‘Tell me more.’
4. Offer enthusiastic feedback: ‘That’s fantastic. I am so happy for you.’
5. If the news is truly significant, add a small celebration, a toast at home or going out together.
There is a time and place for fears, criticism and real concerns, but not in that moment. When your partner shines, don't rush to turn it off.
Our ability to be ‘active cheerleaders’ for our partners, to put ourselves aside and respond with clear and genuine joy to their successes, or as researchers put it, ‘to be there when things go right,’ is one of the greatest gifts we can give each other.
So the next time your partner comes home with shining eyes and good news, remember that you have an opportunity to show how much they truly matter to you and to strengthen your relationship. Do not miss it.