Recently, I've seen an increase in clients seeking help after uncovering sexual or romantic infidelity. The cases span a wide spectrum, from erotic messaging and the exchange of nude photos to casual sexual encounters and emotional affairs that shake the couple, the partners themselves and everyone close to them.
This recurring phenomenon had been in decline as more couples chose to open their relationships, setting clear boundaries around what feels appropriate and desirable within the partnership and what is acceptable, possible or appealing outside it. That made me wonder why people are returning to cheating when opening a relationship has become a tangible and realistic option in so many homes.
At its most basic level, infidelity is a breach of the "exclusivity contract" at the heart of a relationship. We all carry assumptions about what is meant to happen only between the two of us and which interactions are acceptable outside the relationship. A tennis game, coffee, a movie or an intimate conversation may be fine, as long as it does not threaten the bond.
In practice, infidelity is the formation of an alternative relationship that poses a threat to the primary partnership and causes deep harm to the implicit or explicit contract we have created with our partner. It undermines the unique qualities of the relationship, including exclusivity, security, trust, friendship and intimacy.
Paradoxically, an affair can sometimes allow a partner who feels unfulfilled in the marriage to remain in it. By compensating for unmet needs through an external relationship, the person can stay within a framework that does not meet all of their emotional or personal needs.
Five patterns of infidelity
In her book "Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment", Emily Brown outlines five common types of affairs. The first describes affairs among conflict avoiders. This pattern is typical of relatively young couples who have been married for less than 12 years. They tend to idealize the relationship, often saying "we never fight", and struggle to handle conflict without feeling it threatens the relationship itself.
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Paradoxically, an affair can sometimes allow a partner who feels unfulfilled in the marriage to remain in it
(Photo: Shutterstock)
Those who turn to infidelity in this context are often people raised to be "good children." They are pleasers, and when they do something forbidden, it takes the form of a quiet rebellion, hidden in plain sight. In childhood, the secrecy was directed at parents. In adulthood, it is aimed at a spouse. The affair becomes a way to create separation and bring unspoken conflicts to the surface.
The second pattern involves avoidance of intimacy. This is common among couples married for less than six years who argue frequently. These partners fear dependence, vulnerability and closeness, and develop various strategies to create distance. Spreading emotional reliance across multiple figures serves as a way to self-soothe and to maintain escape routes from the relationship.
An affair becomes another tool for avoiding intimacy while simultaneously competing with the primary relationship. The lover is idealized as someone who can seemingly provide everything the relationship cannot, though the core need is often a sense of vitality and freedom in a space that feels free of conflict.
The third pattern characterizes people who enter relationships with a strong fantasy of family life but find themselves torn between the values of the family framework and the realization of personal dreams. In such cases, affairs may emerge during periods of crisis, illness, war, extended reserve duty or prolonged burnout at home or work. This type is common among those married for 20 years or more, when the unfaithful partner is caught between loyalty to family and a personal need for self-fulfillment.
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Esther Perel. 'The unfaithful partner is not necessarily the one who left the relationship first'
(Photo: AP)
The fourth pattern is linked to addiction to sex or excitement outside marriage. This is more common among men who feel a compulsive need to accumulate experiences that validate their self-worth through repeated conquests. An insatiable appetite for stimulation characterizes the current generation that struggles to delay gratification and lives with a constant sense of missing out. The unfaithful partner often feels like a victim of life circumstances, as if marriage, children and home ownership were never truly chosen. Unfortunately, these men are less likely to seek therapy, but when they do, sustained individual treatment alongside couples work is strongly recommended.
The final pattern, and the most painful one, is known as an "exit affair", driven by an underlying desire to end the relationship. The relationship feels devoid of meaning, and the affair becomes a way to avoid confronting feelings of failure and abandonment. The unfaithful partner frames the betrayal as an unplanned love story and avoids acknowledging the deeper reasons that led to it. As Esther Perel writes in her book "The State of Affairs", the unfaithful partner is not necessarily the one who left the relationship first.
So why is everything surfacing so intensely right now? Because we have endured two terrible years. Because we do not want to postpone a better life. Because life is happening now, in this moment. And because war has taught us that if we do not live today, we may not exist tomorrow. There is little time or emotional capacity for dialogue, therapy or negotiation, and turning to an affair becomes a destructive and painful choice for everyone involved.
Lee Reuveni is a couples therapist specializing in EFT and a certified sex therapist.