The question of whether a man and a woman can be close friends without wanting something more has likely intrigued humanity for decades. What happens when closeness, humor and chemistry mix without romance? Is it genuinely possible, or does it only work in movies?
“There are definitely social stereotypes around friendships between men and women,” says psychotherapist Billy Schaingart. “Romantic comedies often end with the two friends secretly in love finally becoming a couple. In some cases that does happen, but in principle, men and women can be close friends without romance or sexual attraction, even if they are straight.”
"When people spend time together in shared settings, studying, working in teams or social frameworks, friendships naturally form, including with the opposite sex", says Schaingart. She admits, however, that until three years ago she herself did not truly believe it was possible to be friends with a straight, attractive, intelligent, funny and sensitive man without developing romantic feelings, and for it to be mutual.
“Three years ago I met a man through a mutual friend who became a very close friend of mine,” Shaingart shares. “We have maintained this friendship ever since. People around us still ask if there was ever something beyond between us, but the truth is that this is a rare platonic bond between two straight people. I feel fortunate to have experienced such an unconditional friendship.”
How would such a friendship be received if one of you were in a relationship?
“Anyone who sees us together understands immediately that it is completely platonic. People could mistakenly assume that we are siblings,” she says. “I have not been in a relationship for the past three years, but he has been, and his partners welcomed me warmly. They also saw that it was a pure friendship.
"That said, I fully understand why people in relationships can feel uncomfortable with their partner having a close friend of the opposite sex, because sometimes there is more beneath the surface.”
Is it healthy to maintain such a relationship?
“If there is a genuine connection, true friendship and unconditional affection, and you enjoy being together and the bond is meaningful, then absolutely", Schaingart says. “But if one side develops feelings or attraction and it is one-sided, painful as it may be, it is better to let go.”
Does this kind of friendship interfere with an existing relationship, or for singles, with finding one?
“If I am in a relationship but spend more time with my platonic friend than with my partner, that is a problem,” she says. “Either there is an issue in the relationship or I have feelings for the friend. A partner should come first by choice. If that is not the case, the relationship needs to be examined.
“When it comes to searching for a romantic relationship, it is indeed a complex issue. In many cases, when there is a close friend of the opposite sex, that person fulfills many emotional needs, almost like a partner, just without the sexual element. This can reduce the drive to pursue a genuine romantic relationship. I always say that the choice is ours, and there are periods in life when such a connection can make sense for various reasons.”
How should someone communicate this kind of friendship to their partner?
“First and foremost, do not hide it,” says Schaingart. “People sometimes conceal a platonic friendship to avoid conflict, and the outcome can be far worse. From my experience, it is best to introduce them, so the partner can see for themselves that this is a platonic bond and not feel threatened.”
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Psychotherapist Billy Schaingart. 'Having sex with a platonic friend feels like incest'
(Photo: bennyandmatan)
What allows a friendship like this to remain fully platonic?
“Clearly, when one person in the relationship is attracted to a different gender, the friendship is platonic and likely to remain so. When both are straight, however, there needs to be no romantic attraction between them on an emotional level. In any case, this is not an exact science. From my own experience, my friend feels very much like a brother to me, and the idea of sexuality with him feels like incest.”
What are the signs that a relationship is no longer entirely platonic?
“Possessiveness and jealousy, from one side or both, are usually signs that the friendship is no longer purely platonic,” she says. “If it is mutual, congratulations, you have fallen in love. Be together. But if only one side starts feeling attraction, jealousy or possessiveness, that is where the problem begins and the dynamic changes.
“If one side has expectations, I always recommend talking about it openly rather than hiding it. As awkward as it may be, secrecy leads to far more painful consequences.
“Personally, I have male friends where it is clear to both of us that even if we were stranded on a deserted island, it would end in a deep conversation, not a romance. So yes, platonic friendship is absolutely possible, as long as there is no sexual attraction, and there is honesty, self-awareness and mutual respect for boundaries.
"There is no single correct answer, but if you lead with your heart and not just your hormones, there is a real chance for genuine friendship without drama, hidden expectations or disappointment.”