"Sometimes people say, 'Enough already, let's just laugh about it,' before the word 'sorry' has even been spoken once. But humor is not a substitute for an apology. It's also not a substitute for empathy. That's why I think the order matters. First understand, then apologize if necessary, and only then laugh," said Dr. Shai Gelber, an expert in applied humor, as we discussed the pitfalls of humor in romantic relationships.
"Another mistake is trying to use the same kind of humor with everyone. But people are very different from one another.
"Some people seek lightheartedness when they're under stress, while others first need quiet. If you truly know the person in front of you, you should know when a joke will be received warmly and when it will come across as insensitive.
"Another mistake I encounter quite often is the desire to 'win' with wit. It's a fascinating phenomenon. People feel that if they come up with the cleverest line during an argument, they've won. But in a relationship, there are no winners. If I walk away from an argument feeling victorious while my partner walks away humiliated, we've both lost."
So what do you recommend?
"I think the best rule is to ask ourselves one question before making a joke: Am I saying this to help the other person feel closer to me, or to make myself feel smarter than they are? The answer to that question usually says it all."
Humor doesn't solve conflicts — it creates the conditions to solve them
In recent years, a growing body of research has shown that humor can actually change what happens in our bodies during relationship conflicts.
"One of the most fascinating aspects of the psychology of humor is that its effects begin long before we consciously think about the joke," Gelber explained.
"Humor doesn't 'switch off' the body's stress response, nor is it a substitute for medical treatment. But it can help people gradually move from a defensive state to one in which they're once again able to think, listen and have a conversation"
"When a person feels threatened — whether by a real danger or by an argument with a spouse or partner — the body responds in almost exactly the same way. The sympathetic nervous system is activated, heart rate increases, blood pressure rises, breathing becomes faster and the brain begins focusing on detecting threats. In that state, it's much harder to listen, understand the other person's perspective or think flexibly. We're mainly occupied with defending ourselves.
"That's where humor comes in. Studies show that positive humor and shared laughter can help regulate emotions and reduce feelings of stress. It's important to emphasize that humor doesn't 'switch off' the body's stress response, nor is it a substitute for medical treatment. But it can help people gradually move from a defensive state to one in which they're once again able to think, listen and have a conversation."
Dr. Shai Gelber Photo: CourtesyGelber also pointed to the work of psychologist Barbara Fredrickson.
"Her research shows that positive emotions, including joy and laughter, broaden our cognitive abilities. When the brain is no longer focused solely on detecting threats, it becomes more open to solutions, empathy and creative thinking. That's why, after a moment of shared laughter, people can often see the same situation differently."
Gelber said audience members frequently share similar experiences with him after his lectures.
"When couples manage to laugh together, even for a moment, they're sending each other a nonverbal message: 'We're still on the same side'"
"One man told me that during an argument with his wife, their young daughter walked into the living room, looked at them both and said very seriously, 'Could you argue a little more quietly? I can't hear the TV.' They both burst out laughing.
"Did it solve the problem? Not at all. But they stopped fighting and started talking. Sometimes that's the whole difference.
"There's also an interesting social aspect. Laughter is one of the most contagious human behaviors. We laugh far more with other people than we do alone. Researchers in evolutionary psychology argue that this is one of the ways humans signal to one another that they're safe and belong to the same group. When couples manage to laugh together, even for a moment, they're sending each other a nonverbal message: 'We're still on the same side.'"
Still, Gelber cautioned against viewing humor as a cure-all.
"It's important to say that humor is not a shortcut to resolving conflict," he said. "But it does create the conditions that make resolving conflict possible."
What's the difference between laughing at someone and laughing with them?
"On the surface, it's just a one-word difference, but psychologically they're two completely different mechanisms. When we laugh at someone, we make that person the butt of the joke. Even if we don't intend to hurt them, there's a power dynamic. One person is being funny, and the other is being laughed at. If that becomes a habit over time, it doesn't create closeness. It creates a feeling of being diminished.
"I think one of the most beautiful signs of a long-term relationship is those private jokes that nobody else understands. One sentence, one glance or one word that immediately makes both people laugh. Psychologically, those moments tell a story. They say, 'We have a shared world'"
"By contrast, when we laugh together, the focus of the humor shifts. The couple isn't looking at each other; they're looking together at the same situation. They're sharing an experience. It sounds like a small distinction, but emotionally it's enormous.
"Research on shared laughter has found that when couples laugh together naturally, they report feeling closer and more satisfied with their relationship. It's not because the joke was especially good, but because that moment created a sense of partnership.
"Let's say one partner once again forgets where they put the car keys. You could jokingly say, 'You're really hopeless,' or you could say, 'I think our keys have a life of their own. Maybe they go out at night while we're asleep.' Both comments are humorous, but in the first, the person is the problem. In the second, the problem is the problem. That's a huge difference.
(Photo: Shutterstock)
"I think one of the most beautiful signs of a long-term relationship is those private jokes that nobody else understands. One sentence, one glance or one word that immediately makes both people laugh. Psychologically, those moments tell a story. They say, 'We have a shared world.' To me, that's one of the most beautiful forms of intimacy."
When does trying to be funny during an argument backfire?
"That's probably one of the questions I'm asked most often after lectures. People tell me, 'But you said humor reduces tension. So why does my wife just get angrier when I try to make her laugh?'
"I remember a conversation after one of my lectures. A man told me that every time his wife got angry with him, he immediately tried to make her laugh. He was convinced he was doing the right thing. Then she told him, 'I don't need a comedian. I need a husband who listens'"
"The answer is that timing is almost as important as the joke itself. If someone still feels hurt, threatened or misunderstood, any attempt at humor may come across as saying, 'What you're feeling doesn't really matter.'
"Psychologically, before someone is able to laugh, they first need to feel seen. That's exactly why psychology places so much emphasis on emotional validation. People aren't looking for others to agree with them about everything. They want to feel understood. Only after that happens can humor begin to do its work.
"I remember a conversation after one of my lectures. A man told me that every time his wife got angry with him, he immediately tried to make her laugh. He was convinced he was doing the right thing. Then she told him, 'I don't need a comedian. I need a husband who listens.'
"That sentence stayed with me because it perfectly illustrates the difference between using humor to connect and using humor to escape.
"Sometimes we make jokes because it's difficult for us to stay in contact with negative emotions — our own or someone else's. Instead of remaining with the discomfort, we immediately try to change the atmosphere. But to the other person, that can feel like emotional distance.
"Aggressive humor is built on ridicule, mockery, sarcasm and putting others down. Sometimes it's very clever. Sometimes everyone in the room laughs. But it comes at an emotional cost to the person who becomes the butt of the joke"
"I think the simplest rule is this: If humor comes before listening, it will usually fail. If it comes after someone feels understood, it has a good chance of becoming a bridge that brings people back together."
Sarcasm is part of many couples' everyday language. Why do you think it's so dangerous?
"I think the main reason is that sarcasm disguises hurt as humor. Very often people make a cutting remark, see that the other person is offended and immediately add, 'Relax, I was just joking.' On the surface they may not have intended to hurt anyone, but psychologically the other person's experience is completely different.
"One of the things that fascinates me about the psychology of humor is that the brain doesn't always distinguish between intention and experience. I may have intended to be funny, but if the other person experiences humiliation, that's what stays with them.
"Prof. Rod Martin's research distinguishes between affiliative humor and aggressive humor. Aggressive humor is built on ridicule, mockery, sarcasm and putting others down. Sometimes it's very clever. Sometimes everyone in the room laughs. But it comes at an emotional cost to the person who becomes the butt of the joke.
"Prof. John Gottman's research also speaks to this point. Gottman found that contempt is one of the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown. It's important to clarify that irony isn't always an expression of contempt. But when it becomes a couple's default way of communicating, it can open the door to mutual disrespect and belittling.
(Photo: Shutterstock)
"I think one of the biggest problems is that we've become accustomed to living in a world where wit is highly rewarded. On social media, the sharpest put-down often gets the most engagement. But a relationship isn't a stand-up comedy show. The goal isn't to earn applause from an audience. The goal is to preserve the sense of safety of the person sitting across from you."
Do couples have to laugh at the same things for a relationship to work?
"The short answer is no. In fact, I think that's one of the most common misconceptions about compatibility. Many people believe that if they enjoy the same movies, laugh at the same comedians or share the same sense of humor, they're more compatible. In reality, the research doesn't really support that.
"What studies consistently find is that it's not similarity in humor that matters, but the quality of the interaction around it. One partner might love dry British humor while the other enjoys romantic comedies, and they can still have a happy relationship for decades. Why? Because each person enjoys seeing the other enjoy themselves.
"That's a fascinating finding in psychology. Researchers such as Harry Reis and Sara Algoe have shown how important it is for people to respond positively to their partner's positive experiences. When someone shares something that made them happy or made them laugh, and we respond with genuine interest, it strengthens the sense of closeness between us.
"That's why I don't ask couples whether they laugh at the same things. I ask whether they still manage to laugh together. Ultimately, humor isn't a test of comedy. It's a test of generosity."
(Photo: Shutterstock)
Can humor save a couple's sex life?
"I'm careful with the word 'save' because it creates unrealistic expectations. Sexual intimacy is influenced by many factors: health, stress, communication, body image, burnout, workload, hormonal changes and more. Humor won't solve all of those issues, but it can certainly affect one of the most important elements of intimacy: a sense of emotional safety.
"Some studies have found a link between positive humor and greater relationship and sexual satisfaction. We have to be careful not to confuse correlation with causation, but it's difficult to ignore that shared humor is one of the characteristics that repeatedly appears among couples who report feeling especially close."
What's the simplest exercise couples can start tonight to bring more laughter into the home?
"One exercise I really like is called 'the daily smile moment.' At the end of each day, even if it's only for five minutes, each partner shares one thing that made them smile that day.
"It doesn't have to be a hilarious video or a joke. Sometimes it's a funny mistake that happened at work. Sometimes it's something the children said. Sometimes it's an encounter with a stranger. The goal isn't to create a stand-up comedy routine at home. It's to train ourselves to notice the good as well.
"In psychology, there's a concept known as the negativity bias. The human brain is wired to detect danger and problems more quickly than pleasant moments. That was an important survival mechanism throughout evolution, but in relationships it can leave us ending each day focused on everything we didn't accomplish instead of remembering one moment that brought us joy.
"When we share a small moment of happiness or humor with each other, we're really saying, 'I want you to be part of my inner world.' That's much more meaningful than it might seem.
"I also encourage people to try a simple experiment: For one week, send your partner one thing each day that will make them smile. It could be an old photograph, a funny message, a humorous social media clip or even a shared memory. The goal is to remind each other that amid all the to-do lists, there's still room for lightness."