Dr. Kfir Yifrah, 40, is a senior clinical psychologist and lecturer at the Ruppin Academic Center and Reichman University. He is single and lives in Tel Aviv.
You recently lectured at the ‘Golden LGBTQ’ conference about the LGBTQ community among older adults. How common is coming out at that age?
“It is not very common. Far fewer people come out at older ages. In fact, many patients I have met in clinical or research settings say they are afraid to come out.
“In a study I conducted on the subject together with Prof. Geva Shenkman and Noam Kempler, published last year in the journal Sexuality Research and Social Policy, we interviewed 80 older gay and bisexual men. Many reported difficulty accepting their sexual orientation and fear of stigma. Still, in recent years, more and more people are coming out, even at older ages.”
What led to this change?
“Society today is far more accepting. The fact that same-sex couples can marry abroad and register as married in Israel is one example. The repeal of the ban on same-sex relations in 1988 was also a major turning point. Until then, it was a criminal offense.
“Gay men and women who grew up before these changes lived in a society where who they were and what they did was considered illegal. Today, it is also forbidden to fire an employee because of their sexual identity. All of this makes it easier for people to come out and speak openly about who they are. LGBTQ identity is now perceived as less threatening and less deviant than in the past.”
Did these people live in the closet all their lives, or did they only realize their attraction later on?
“Most of them knew all their lives. Many were previously in heterosexual relationships. They married, raised families and had children because they saw no alternative. They did not imagine it was possible to live openly in a same-sex relationship and acted according to social expectations.
“Only later did they realize that this path did not suit them and that they were not truly fulfilling themselves. One man I interviewed said that when he turned 60, he realized he was not willing to end his life in the closet. He felt life was short, that he was aging, and that he did not want to die without being true to himself and his identity.”
What challenges do people face when they come out in later life?
“On one hand, our studies consistently show that people who come out at this age describe greater happiness, higher life satisfaction, a stronger sense of meaning and better mental health. At the same time, it is important to understand that disclosing one’s sexual orientation is more complex than self-acceptance alone.
“When the person’s environment is not accepting and is hostile or hurtful, coming out can lead to serious conflicts. In such cases, people may experience increased stigma, discrimination and emotional harm.”
Are there cases where families cut off contact after someone comes out?
“In extreme cases, mainly in very conservative or deeply religious environments, people do lose significant relationships, including ties with family and community. That said, even within religious communities we have seen more openness and acceptance of LGBTQ people in recent years.
Dr. Kfir Yifrah“Many of the people we met in our studies left the heterosexual relationships they had lived in. Some went on to form same-sex partnerships, while others chose to live alone. There are cases in which contact with a former spouse or children was completely severed, but in most stories we hear family ties are maintained. In most cases, children and grandchildren accept the parent or grandparent exactly as they are, including their sexual identity.”
What advice do you give to older men and women who are thinking about coming out but are afraid?
“Do not go through it alone. Coming out requires emotional resources at any age, and especially in later life, when stigma and discrimination still exist. It is important to enter this process with inner strength and external support.
“It is essential to have support circles, close people with whom one can share feelings and thoughts about sexual orientation. From my experience, people who find emotional anchors such as friends, family members or supportive frameworks are able to go through the process in a healthier and more positive way.”
Sex tip: Coming out is not a single moment, but a process.