They may be wildly attracted to each other and have an exciting sex life, yet struggle to connect once they leave the bedroom. So what happens when great sex hides a relationship that simply is not working?
Rina Lahav, 50, is a sex and couples therapist who also practices EMDR and a nervous-system-based therapeutic approach. A mother of one, she lives in Rishon Lezion.
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Great sex, bad relationship: Why chemistry can hide problems outside the bedroom
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Can the sex be good while the relationship is bad?
“Absolutely. Sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction are not the same thing. There is some overlap, but the things we need to enjoy good sex are not necessarily the same things we need to maintain a good relationship.
“In sexuality, we look for desire, chemistry, freedom, playfulness and the ability to communicate. A relationship also requires the ability to talk when things are difficult, express emotions, consider each other, trust one another and deal together with differences and the difficulties of life. Two people can be very attracted to each other and really enjoy their sexuality, but struggle to be good life partners.”
Does it depend on what stage the relationship is in?
“It can be more noticeable at the beginning of a relationship, when attraction, infatuation and excitement are very strong, and sexual chemistry can somewhat blur what is not working elsewhere. But as the relationship continues, that initial infatuation settles down, and what remains is the relationship itself.
“If there is prolonged distance or constant fighting outside the bedroom, it will usually be difficult to keep that completely outside the bedroom.”
Can good sexual chemistry sustain a relationship for years?
“Yes. Good sex is very significant in a relationship, and it can certainly be something two people do not want to give up. A couple can stay together for many years when the sex is good, even if their emotional communication is poor. But as the years pass, we change, and our expectations from a relationship change. What suited me at 20 will not necessarily be enough at 40.
“Sometimes a crisis arrives, and one partner suddenly discovers they are going through it alone. At that point, they may ask themselves: What good is great sex if I don’t have a partner who carries life with me?”
Rina Lahav: ‘If couples succeed in communicating through sex, they can try bringing those same skills into the relationship’
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Can great sex make breaking up more difficult?
“Of course, because sex is much more than pleasure. It can make me feel desired, create closeness and security and even help me calm down. Sometimes after a fight, it restores the feeling of connection. So when people separate, they are not only giving up the good sex, but also everything that sexuality allowed them to feel.
“If sex is a significant source of comfort or validation for me, it may be harder for me to give up the relationship.”
How do you know whether to work on the relationship or leave?
“The key is to reach a decision consciously. First, understand what is not working, what lies behind the difficulties, what each person brings into the relationship and whether those patterns can change.
“Sometimes it is right to go to therapy, work on the problems in a focused way and see whether there is improvement. After you have tried to understand and address the issues, you can make a decision from a much clearer place.”
If a couple wants to stay together because the sex is good, how can they improve the relationship?
“If the couple manages to do something during sex that they cannot do outside the bedroom, such as speaking openly, asking for what they want, listening to each other or feeling safe, they can explore what makes that possible there.
“Then they can try to take the abilities that already exist in their sexuality and transfer them into their relationship. At the same time, they need to understand what prevents them from using those same tools outside the bedroom.”
A couple can, Lahav said, remain together for years because of a strong sex life even while emotional communication remains limited. But when life becomes difficult, that gap may become impossible to ignore.
And what about the opposite situation, a good relationship but mediocre sex?
Mediocre sex is definitely something that can be worked on. First, you need to understand what is not working: Is there a difference in desire, difficulty talking about sex and asking for what you want, routine, performance anxiety, pain or simply a lack of familiarity with what feels good and arousing?
“At the same time, I check whether there is basic physical attraction: Is there a desire to get close, touch and kiss? If there is a foundation of attraction, there are many things that can be improved through communication, rediscovery and working together.”
What matters most for maintaining both the relationship and the sex life over time?
“In a relationship, it is important to cultivate friendship, know how to lean on each other and also maintain a sense of humor. In sexuality, it is important not to assume that we already know everything about the person in front of us.
“The body changes, desire changes, and what excites us at one age will not necessarily work 10 or 20 years later. So you need to keep talking, courting each other, showing appreciation, giving compliments and going on dates. The fact that we are married or living together does not mean the courtship should end.”
Sex tip: “Don’t try to ‘succeed’ at sex. Just stay curious.”