Shai Spitzen, 40, is a clinical social worker, founder of the Center for Alternative Sexuality, and a sex and relationship therapist. He is married and lives as a digital nomad.
Tell us about your life as a digital nomad.
"Since last September, my wife and I packed up our dog, bought a car and started traveling across Europe. I work online at my clinic a few days a week, and my wife also works remotely. We are aiming to maintain this lifestyle for about 18 months."
How has this affected your relationship?
"When it comes to sex and intimacy, it has actually opened up many possibilities for us. I am nonmonogamous and part of the BDSM world. In Israel, because I am a therapist, I often felt less comfortable attending parties or sexually oriented spaces.
"Abroad, it is much more accessible and open for us. At the same time, there is a challenge: being mostly just the two of us. That can feel a bit lonely, and requires a lot of flexibility and mutual support."
I imagine this challenge is not unique to you but applies to many couples who relocate. Why is that?
"I think the move itself, whether temporary or permanent, is a massive change. Within that shift, the relationship is put to the test. When we are used to a routine, we barely notice how much our environment and social connections support us until we are far away from them.
"There is no real way to fully prepare for what relocation entails. Alongside the feeling of fulfilling a dream, the move affects couple dynamics and can put pressure on the relationship."
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Shai Spitzen. "The key is to think about sexuality as a shared process"
(Photo: Natalie Mey Tal)
How does this show up in sexuality?
"A process like relocation can lead to stress and anxiety, which affect sexual functioning. For some people, sexuality is a safe space, so in times of anxiety their sexual desire actually increases. For others, the response is withdrawal, emotional distancing and a drop in desire or sexual performance.
"Often, relocation happens due to the man’s career, with the woman moving for his job. Once he starts working, she may find herself slipping into a homemaker role. Many times this follows giving up career advancement for the sake of the move. These gaps can create unspoken tensions in the relationship. At first, many couples find it easy to ignore, but eventually it can show up as emotional distance, which often translates into sexual distance as well."
Are there cases where relocation actually brings couples closer?
"Yes. Feelings of loneliness and social disconnection can sometimes increase the urge to open up more in order to feel closer within the relationship. This can open up conversations about sexual fantasies that were not discussed before.
"In addition, a new environment and new stimuli allow for sexual exploration in a relatively safe way. As a result, many couples find themselves growing into new sexual practices, with their sexuality expanding precisely because of the move."
As a digital nomad who is also a sex therapist, what do you suggest to couples moving to another country?
"It is important to get to know ourselves as a couple and as individuals, to understand how we respond to transitions, and to mentally prepare for the fact that things may change. For example, if a couple that was used to having sex twice a week experiences no sexual intimacy at all in the first two weeks, that is not necessarily a sign that something is wrong. Sometimes one partner is not emotionally available at that point.
"Beyond that, it is important to ask what fear is coming up, whether it is possible to contain a period without sexuality, and what that does to the relationship. The key is to think about sexuality as a shared process, not as a tally of how many times you have sex.
"It is also important for each partner to find meaning and a life of their own within the relocation, especially when one partner moves for the other. Otherwise, it can harm both the relationship and the sexuality."
Sex tip:
"Relocation offers an opportunity for positive change. Try to leverage it to benefit your sex life."