Ravit Rabina, 55, is a sexual and couples counselor and the host of the podcast “Talking Sexuality.” She is a mother of three, in a second relationship, and lives in Ramat Hasharon.
Ravit, how are you? A new study conducted at the University of New Brunswick in Canada found that in the field of technological sex toys, known as sex tech, women enjoy a clear social advantage. While women who use vibrators are considered sexually empowered, men who experiment with sex toys are perceived as strange or lonely. Straight women, and straight men as well, report that even the idea of it disgusts them. What is so off-putting about a straight man who uses a vibrator?
“In heteronormative culture, a straight man is expected to be the initiator, to be dominant and to obtain his pleasure within a couple-based framework. Using a vibrator, which is still strongly associated with female sexuality, can be perceived as undermining the gender order. It threatens a deep-rooted myth that a ‘real man’ does not need aids to enjoy sex.
2 View gallery
“There is a threat here to the myth that a ‘real man’ does not need aids to enjoy sex”
(Photo: Shutterstock)
“So when we discover that a man uses a sex toy to experience pleasure, it triggers fear and rejection among both men and women, who feel he is not ‘man enough,’ meaning he does not meet social expectations.”
Usually women are judged more harshly than men for sexual behavior. A woman who sleeps with many men may be labeled a slut, while a man who sleeps with many women is often seen as a ‘real man.’ Yet here, men are judged more negatively than women.
“That is true. There is a double standard in society, and it also operates against men. As long as a man acts through initiative, conquest and control, he receives social reinforcement. The moment he chooses a sexuality that includes using an accessory, he is perceived as failing or abnormal.
“I find that unfortunate. I hope men and women will feel freer to choose what suits them and what gives them pleasure, and be guided less by what society dictates as appropriate or acceptable.”
What exactly are sex toys for men?
“This category includes devices for penile stimulation, such as masturbation sleeves with different textures, sometimes with vibration or heating, devices that simulate female anatomy or not, products designed to delay or accelerate ejaculation, vibrating rings to enhance pleasure, anal devices and items intended for use by couples.”
How common is their use among men?
“Although there has been a gradual increase, women still use sex toys more than men. In addition, men are more likely to use them with a partner than alone.
“Studies have also found that gay men use sex toys more than straight men, which reinforces what we discussed earlier. The stigma around a straight man using sex toys alone is still negative.”
Have you encountered a man in your clinic who said he uses a vibrator?
“It has not come up spontaneously from patients. I have raised the option in some cases with men and couples, and those who accepted my suggestion to buy a toy for personal use or shared use with a partner reported pleasurable results.”
The study speaks about feelings of disgust toward men who use sex toys. Why does disgust play such a powerful role in sexuality?
“Disgust originally evolved to keep us away from dangerous things, but in sexuality its role is far more social than biological. Our society defines certain forms of sexuality as natural, healthy and legitimate, while others are marked as strange, problematic or inappropriate.
“Because sexuality touches very deep aspects of the body, identity, values and belonging, any deviation from the familiar script triggers a fast and intense reaction. Disgust acts like a warning sign, marking clear boundaries between what is accepted and right and what is perceived as deviant or threatening.”
The study also shows that among all areas of sex tech, attitudes toward people who use sex robots are the most severe. Why is that? Is it fear that we will replace potential partners with robots?
“I think it reflects fear of destabilizing the existing order. What happens if pleasure, intimacy and emotional fulfillment no longer depend on another person? What could that do to the institution of couplehood, to family structures and to gender roles?
“A society built around couple-based relationships as a central structure struggles to contain the idea that sexuality could exist outside of human interaction.”
Sex tip:
Try changing the way you initiate sex from time to time, for example standing or sitting instead of lying down.