The fall holiday season naturally brings up themes of atonement, reconciliation, and fresh starts. Yet when family gathers around the table, old wounds and buried grievances that seemed long forgotten resurface, feeling as raw as the day they occurred.
Our families are usually where we first experienced both deep connection and emotional pain, and where we learned how to respond to both. That is why, decades later, family members can trigger stronger emotional reactions than anyone else in our lives.
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A sibling's offhand remark can reopen an old bruise, a brief encounter can reignite longstanding resentment, and familiar arguments replay almost automatically. Long after everyone has gone home, our minds often loop obsessively over what was said.
A comprehensive study led by Ottaviani and colleagues, published in Psychological Bulletin, found that repetitive negative thinking does not just stay in our heads. It produces measurable physical changes, including spikes in heart rate, elevated blood pressure, and heightened cortisol levels. The connection between forgiveness and physical wellness is well documented. A large-scale analysis of more than 26,000 participants found that more forgiving individuals tend to report significantly better mental and physical health. But deciding to forgive and genuinely letting go are two very different things. The nervous system often takes its own time to stand down, long after the rational mind wants to move on.
So how do we bridge that gap?
Beneath the struggle to forgive lie raw emotions that still require attention, such as hurt, anger, betrayal, or fear. Rushing through them just to check the forgiveness box often backfires. Instead of forcing immediate closure, pause and identify what's happening in the moment. A practical approach is the RAIN practice, developed by psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach. Begin by recognizing the emotion and letting it be present without immediately trying to fix it. Next, explore what sits beneath that initial wave and consider what you genuinely need, whether that is acknowledging the pain, setting a clear boundary, taking space, or reaching out for support. Only then do you choose a response. Paradoxically, letting go of the demand to instantly forgive often creates the exact emotional space needed for relief to begin.
When wounds are deep, overwhelming, or carry years of history, professional therapy provides a structured, safe environment to process dynamics that are tough to untangle alone.
This holiday season, it might help to reframe the goal. Instead of asking whether you have officially forgiven someone, consider how much real estate that old grievance still occupies in your day-to-day life. Forgiveness doesn't require dramatic reconciliation or an emotional embrace. It can look much quieter: seeing someone without silently replaying past arguments, letting an irritating comment slide without letting it derail your entire evening, or setting a firm boundary without getting pulled into rage. Genuine relief rarely arrives with an announcement that all is forgiven. It comes quietly, on the day you realize that while the memory remains, it no longer dictates how you show up.
- Edna Arbel is an integrative psychotherapist and Head of the Integrative Division at Medical Care Integrative Rehabilitation Hospital.