Competitiveness is a natural emotion, and it accompanies our children at school, among friends and during play. In this installment of ‘How do we talk with children about’, therapeutic sports coach Tomer Kamil explains how to address the subject together, and which key messages can help children, and parents, cope better with losses as well as victories.
So, Tomer, what do we know about competitiveness among children?
"Children are competitive by nature, and therefore they may struggle to cope with losses, and sometimes with victories as well. Losing can lead to avoiding future games, angry outbursts and throwing objects in frustration. On the other hand, after winning, children may tease or taunt their opponent."
"As parents, our role is to help children regulate themselves emotionally and overcome the tensions and pressures that are an inseparable part of play. Today we know that learning to cope with tension and pressure during enjoyable activity, already in childhood, is decisive and shapes the athlete’s personality. It is important for parents to help children deal with the stress and pressure that accompany sports and to provide them with support at different stages, before the game, during it, when facing an audience and the opposing team, and after victories and losses."
How can parents support them, and what messages are important to convey?
"Sports games also involve losing. When a child focuses only on winning, they may experience frustrations that undermine their self-confidence. It is important to convey to your children that you are proud of their effort, perseverance and hard work, regardless of results."
"Express appreciation for showing up to practice, for their commitment, for their willingness to try new things, for cooperation with teammates and for coping with losses. Emphasize that you do not expect them to win all the time, that their enjoyment of the sport is more important, and that the journey matters more than the outcome. In this way, sports will strengthen and empower your children, and they will not fear failure."
So how should parents talk with children about competitiveness?
"First of all, it is best not to talk about the loss immediately after the game, when children are still angry or sad. It is better to strike while the iron is cold and speak with them later, or the next day, after they have calmed down and processed their feelings. Take an interest in their experience, ask how they felt during the game and what they learned from it."
‘Avoid achievement-focused questions such as, “How many goals did you score today?” or “Who won?” Instead, talk with them about why they chose this particular sport and what is important to them. Also, make sure there is consistency between what you say and how you behave. If you express anger over your children’s failure, it will be difficult to convey your message clearly and effectively.’
Tomer Kamil is a therapeutic sports coach and CEO of ‘Kopfzim Kadima’, a unique framework that offers a therapeutic sports training process aimed at improving the quality of life of children and adolescents.