"The good news is that it is possible to cultivate long-term passion through consistent investment and renewal of the relationship, even after many years together," says Hila Rubin, a personal and couples coach. She adds that preserving spark and desire in long-term relationships is one of the most common challenges couples face.
So what actually causes desire to decline?
"First and foremost, there is the Coolidge effect, a phenomenon that describes a natural decrease in sexual desire toward a steady partner compared with the heightened excitement people feel when exposed to new partners. It is a completely natural tendency to seek new stimulation that increases dopamine levels, a hormone linked to excitement and reward.
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Recall the passion that existed between you when you first met, now try to recreate it
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"Add to that the daily routine, which includes work overload, everyday worries, administrative burdens, financial pressure and the security situation. Raising young children also leads to the release of prolactin, which reduces sexual desire, especially among breastfeeding women. Other factors that affect the loss of passion include a lack of excitement and surprises in daily life, reduced use of love languages between partners, emotional distance that develops over time, a lack of healthy communication, the loss of friendship and emotional intimacy, and of course unequal relationships or dependency dynamics."
‘In long-term relationships, there is a strong tendency to prefer the predictable over the unpredictable, while eroticism thrives on unpredictability. As a result, desire clashes head-on with our habits and routines.’
Rubin points to the work of Esther Perel, a world-renowned couples therapist and researcher, who describes the central conflict in long-term relationships in her book Mating in Captivity, published in Hebrew as "Erotic Intelligence." According to Perel, people seek two opposing needs. On one hand, security and closeness that provide a sense of home, stability and certainty. On the other, passion and eroticism, which require excitement, novelty and a sense of freedom.
"In long-term relationships, there is a strong tendency to prefer the predictable over the unpredictable, while eroticism thrives precisely on unpredictability," Rubin says. "Desire clashes head-on with our habits and routines. Perel also emphasizes that excessive closeness can suppress desire, because when we know someone too well, it becomes difficult to maintain a sense of mystery and attraction."
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Emotional distance, poor communication and the loss of intimacy reduce desire
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So how can couples maintain spark and desire in the face of all these challenges?
"Before talking about sexuality and passion, it is important to work on friendship, emotional intimacy and empathy, partnership, listening, communication and mutual respect. If you cannot manage on your own, I recommend seeking professional guidance, and remembering that as long as the candle is still lit, it can be fixed. It is essential to place the relationship high on the priority list, for your own sake and for the sake of your children, who observe your relationship and learn from it."
She says the next step is cultivating independence and healthy separateness. "In my view, this is the key to sustained desire. To maintain attraction over time, it is important not to lose yourselves within the relationship. Desire flourishes when there is a certain degree of healthy distance, rather than complete enmeshment. Invest in personal hobbies, interests and friendships outside the relationship. Make sure you spend time apart, which renews your energy. You can go out alone or with friends and return with new experiences that enrich the relationship."
Rubin encourages couples to rekindle curiosity about each other. "For example, see your partner in a different environment outside the routine, at work, at a performance or at a social gathering. This can create a sense of mystery and renew excitement. Another option is to set a fixed day each month when each of you does something just for yourselves, and when you meet afterward, you share your experiences. Renew and diversify. Stepping out of routine can bring back excitement. Routine is comfortable and calming, but it can also be the enemy of passion. The way to restore the spark is to introduce variety and adventure into the relationship."
Do you have ideas for breaking routine?
"Try something you have never done before, such as a surprise trip, a couples workshop, relationship cards or an extreme activity. Set aside quality couple time without distractions. A short vacation without the children, even without an overnight stay if that is not possible, or an intimate at-home date, can work wonders. The reason is that young children increase the release of prolactin, oxytocin and cortisol, which negatively affect sexual desire.
"Desire requires intention, so do not wait for excitement to happen on its own. Create it proactively. Another idea is to plan a surprise weekend every so often, in which one partner secretly plans an experience for both of you. Maintain emotional intimacy and daily physical touch. Physical desire is strengthened when there is emotional closeness. The deeper your conversations and connection, the stronger the physical attraction becomes."
‘Routine is comfortable and calming, but it can also be the enemy of desire. The way to restore the spark is by bringing variety and adventure into the relationship.’
How do you strengthen emotional intimacy?
"By dedicating time to deep conversations about dreams, fears and aspirations, not just daily tasks. By recalling beautiful moments from the beginning of the relationship. Even small touches can make a big difference. Simple daily gestures such as a hug, a light kiss or a casual caress increase closeness and boost oxytocin and serotonin levels, which contribute to calm and happiness,
"I suggest couples start or end the day with a 20-second hug. Studies show that this releases oxytocin, the so-called love hormone. I also recommend setting aside time for touch that does not lead to sex. Another tip is to invest in self-care. When we feel good about ourselves, it reflects in mutual attraction. I also suggest introducing variety in the bedroom. Variety and openness are key to maintaining desire over time."
She encourages open conversation. "Do not be embarrassed to talk about what you want and to explore new worlds together. Talk about fantasies. Open dialogue about desires and wishes increases closeness and curiosity. It may be difficult at first to share fantasies. Many couples say they do not have fantasies at all or do not know what they are. If that is the case, look for erotic films or fantasy stories by others. Some will make you laugh, and with others you will likely identify. Over time, you can share your own fantasies, and even try guessing your partner’s."
Rubin also recommends varying the sexual script. "Switch roles, try new positions or add new elements to foreplay. For women in particular, it is important to devote time to emotional and physical foreplay and not rush to the main act. Enjoy the journey, not just the destination. Foreplay is not a collection of actions done a few minutes before sex. It is the way we manage our relationship." She adds a practical boundary. "Keep the bedroom door closed on a regular basis. It is important to explain to children above a certain age that just as they have their own room, parents also have a separate room, and they should knock before entering."
Rubin concludes that passion in a long-term relationship does not simply happen on its own. "It requires investment, intention and constant renewal. By maintaining personal independence, refreshing routine, nurturing intimacy and diversifying physical closeness, you can absolutely sustain a fulfilling and exciting relationship over many years."