"Hey Shelly, I haven't slept with a woman for the past two years. I was deep into my academic studies and didn't have the time for it. Recently, I met someone that I really like. We’ve already been on two dates and I assume we’ll sleep together soon.
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The problem is that I am scared that I won't be able to perform, that I won't know what to do, and that I won't be able to function due to how much time has passed since my last time. What should I do?"
Many people go through short or long periods in their lives without sexual activity, and this can also happen by choice. Generally, this isn’t an issue, but at times one may feel a bit "rusty" after a long period without dating or sexual activity.
I’m here to reassure you that physiologically, not being sexually active for a long period of time has no effect on your ability to have an erection. When sexual arousal is high, you’ll feel your sexual function is normal. You can also check this yourself through touch and masturbation.
Regarding your uncertainty about not knowing what to do, you can calm down. There are things you don’t forget easily, like riding a bike. If you were sexually active, everything will come naturally once your sexual desire is aroused, and you will feel an attraction toward the woman you're with.
Don't forget that she’s your partner in this activity, and that women can also lead and be active in bed. Sex is a shared experience.
In my work with men, I’ve noticed that most of their concerns in bed are based on not-very-realistic thoughts about sexuality, which create unrealistic expectations and a lot of pressure. The same unrealistic expectations can lead to intrusive thoughts during sex, which can delay physiological arousal, or in simpler terms, erections and the ability to feel pleasure.
A classic example of such expectations is the ability to last a long time after penetration: many men measure good sex based on how long they maintain sexual intercourse, but they forget that it should also include foreplay.
In order to lower stress and worry, you need to pay attention to what expectations you have about your role in bed, and allow yourself to put them in a more realistic place. That is, try to initiate sexual contact without fixed ideas of how it should be, and simply allow things to happen naturally.
Another way to reduce anxiety is to communicate. You don't have to say that you haven't had sex in a long time if you don’t want to, but you can say that you want to take things slowly, or that you’re excited due to how much you’re attracted to your partner.
Trust me, every girl understands what that means when it comes to sex, and she may greatly appreciate your honesty.
Sexual communication helps to increase pleasure among couples. When you talk about your concerns, you also let go of the pressure and allow for greater intimacy with your partner.
Good luck!