The ultra-Orthodox sector is not a monolith, contrary to common belief, and when it comes to sex and relationship education, the gaps between different groups are profound.
“Two women may look identical, work at the same job, even live in the same neighborhood and the same building, yet the differences between them when it comes to intimate relationships and sexuality can be dramatic,” explains Dr. Noga BarOr-Bing, who has studied the subject. “One couple will not walk together in public because of a regulation in the Gur Hasidic court, while another ultra-Orthodox couple living upstairs can go together to the mall.”
Dr. Bing, director of the Melton Center for Jewish Education at the Hebrew University’s School of Education, has focused her research on certain Hasidic sects known for extreme stringency regarding marital sexuality, particularly during the first year of marriage.
Over the years, she has researched the Slonim Hasidic court, and when discussing groups inclined toward sexual stringency and abstinence, she mentions not only Slonim but also Gur, Toldot Aharon, Satmar and certain ascetic subgroups within Breslov Hasidism.
“My research focuses on Slonim Hasidism, and more specifically on the relationship between the written word, ideological thought and how ideas are translated into lived reality,” she says. “I examined worldviews regarding marriage and sexuality in later Hasidism, particularly Slonim, while comparing them with other ultra-Orthodox spaces beyond Hasidism, namely Lithuanian ultra-Orthodoxy.”
Regarding sex education in the ultra-Orthodox world, she notes: “Among women, the topic is discussed more openly, in seminaries, and they meet with a bridal instructor after engagement. Among men, instruction is provided through pamphlets or oral teachings, and some receive concrete guidance only very close to the wedding. In stricter Hasidic groups, a yeshiva supervisor may ask you during marriage, ‘How are you doing in holiness,’ as a code phrase.”
How does one even write about the subject in a world where so many words are forbidden?
“There are code words, censored terms. There is a concept called ‘ishut,’ conjugal relations. Some Hasidic groups rely heavily on Kabbalistic texts to reinforce their worldview. Later Hasidism chose to be particularly strict in these matters, partly as a way of distinguishing itself from the Lithuanian world and redefining a Hasidic uniqueness that was lost with modernity and the Enlightenment. It was an attempt to articulate new Hasidic values, a kind of rebirth after the Holocaust. It can also be seen as a reaction against secularization, though that raises the question of why the Lithuanians did not move in the same direction.”
Some might argue this reflects Christian influence. “But that influence predates the twentieth century,” she responds. “It may also relate to the personalities of the leaders, because not all Hasidic dynasties went in this direction. Belz, Vizhnitz and Karlin, for example, are not necessarily part of this story.”
‘We did not come to enjoy ourselves’
In Gur Hasidism, considered the largest Hasidic court in Israel, it is customary for a man and woman not to walk together in public even if they are married. Men receive guidance only very close to the wedding, and some react with shock when they realize what is expected of them on the wedding night. According to accepted guidance, sexual relations should take place in complete darkness. Gur’s strict regulations are not detailed in any book or manual but are generally transmitted orally.
Regarding the groups she studied, Dr. Bing says: “Stringency is expressed in restrictions on the frequency of sexual relations, strict modesty norms, highly militaristic metaphors used against the sexual impulse, and even the mode of action. For example, there are instructions to avoid any affectionate gesture prior to intercourse.”
In the more radical Hasidic groups, there are not necessarily clear written regulations, and the rules are often passed down orally. “The moment you put a regulation in writing, you define what is correct and limit the ability to become ever more stringent,” she explains.
“In religious Zionist and ultra-Orthodox communities, there are many guidance books for couples, for grooms and brides alike, and some even enter formal educational settings. One of the most interesting findings was that in Hasidism, oral Torah plays a much more significant role regarding sexuality and relationships, especially for women, because there is no written bride guidance.”
How is guidance actually delivered?
“Women typically receive instruction from a mother, sister or certified bridal instructor before the wedding. Men rely more on manuals. In Slonim, for example, there are two guidance booklets for grooms: ‘With Wisdom a House Is Built,’ for unmarried men before marriage, and ‘Collected Talks for the First Watch,’ for newlyweds. These were written by the previous Slonim rebbe, Rabbi Shalom Noach Berezovsky, author of the Netivot Shalom series.”
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From the drama series Unorthodox, whose protagonist is a woman from the Satmar Hasidic sect
(Photo: Netflix)
Dr. Bing explains that the Slonim rebbe demanded adherence to the principle “Sanctify yourself through what is permitted,” from Tractate Yevamot in the Babylonian Talmud, meaning self-sanctification through abstaining even from permissible acts in order to subdue sexual desire and achieve control.
In his book With Wisdom a House Is Built, the rebbe explicitly outlined an ideal of asceticism while criticizing contemporary ultra-Orthodox Jews: “This must be the atmosphere in a Hasidic home, opposed to the pursuit of life’s pleasures. There are homes where the prevailing atmosphere is to enjoy life as much as possible, whereas in a Hasidic home, it should be the opposite, to enjoy life as little as possible. Today’s world chases after ‘having fun.’ A Jew should have what he needs, but not live with the aim of enjoying life.”
“An average reader encounters the word ‘holiness’ constantly,” says Bing. “Some interpret it as a mystical relationship with God, but a careful reading shows that ‘holiness’ most often refers to guarding the covenant, meaning avoiding wasting seed, considered a grave transgression. In Slonim writings, holiness is closely tied to sexuality, usually portrayed negatively.”
She adds that the rebbe sent letters to followers detailing, albeit with censorship, sexual guidance for the wedding night and first year of marriage. “One striking finding is that sexual stringency is concentrated mainly in the first year of marriage. There is an assumption that this year, especially the first three months, is critical for setting the ideal and ethos of the couple’s sexual life.”
Worldviews about sexual desire also shaped scriptural interpretation. “Sometimes verses are interpreted as a war against desire, even if that is not the plain meaning. For example, the verse ‘He shall be free at home for one year’ is traditionally understood to mean that a newlywed man stays home to bring joy to his wife. The previous Slonim rebbe interpreted it as the man being ‘free of possessions and enjoyment,’ bringing joy to his wife through self-denial. He wrote that performing the act with awe and restraint creates joy because ‘an atmosphere of holiness produces happiness.’”
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The Ponevezh Yeshiva. 'Among the Lithuanian stream, there is greater openness, more consideration for the bride, reciprocity, care and communication between a man and a woman'
(Photo: Shaul Golan)
Surprisingly, the Slonim leader used militaristic language in discussing the struggle with desire. Writing after the Six-Day War, he adopted IDF jargon, likening Hasidim to paratroopers storming the Lion’s Gate. “He described not a war against an external enemy, but against the inner impulse,” Bing explains.
In one letter, Rabbi Berezovsky wrote that Hasidim are required to show “self-sacrifice, blood, tears and sweat,” echoing Winston Churchill’s wartime rhetoric. The current Slonim rebbe, Rabbi Shmuel Berezovsky, continues this strict line, urging modesty and calling on followers to avoid bringing “unworthy newspapers, radios and other impure devices” into their homes.
‘A chasm between Lithuanians and Hasidim’
According to Bing, the ascetic war against desire has deep roots in Hasidic history. “The Baal Shem Tov was not an ascetic, but some of his students embraced extreme stringency.”
Does this exist in Breslov?
“Yes, very much so. It appears in Rabbi Nachman’s writings, including Tikkun Chatzot.”
She explains that bride and groom education is one of the key dividing lines between Hasidic and Lithuanian ultra-Orthodox society. “Even if they live side by side, the instruction girls receive in Hasidic seminaries differs greatly from that in Lithuanian ones. Hasidic girls receive far more stringent guidance regarding relationships and modesty. In Lithuanian society, there are more premarital meetings and greater allowance for closeness, dialogue and reciprocity.”
“In the Lithuanian world, Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe wrote guidance manuals for grooms and brides. There is no equivalent in Hasidic society. Lithuanian guidance books emphasize openness, mutuality, care and communication.”
She notes that the Chazon Ish, representing Lithuanian society, emphasized nurturing closeness between husband and wife and permitted physical contact even when not aimed at intercourse. In contrast, some Hasidic groups instruct couples to engage in relations “as if compelled,” without affectionate touch, what secular language calls foreplay.
‘Pride alongside difficulty’
“The Hasidic system directs most decrees, ideology and discipline toward men,” Bing says. “What is fascinating is that in the limited guidance girls receive, they are told how much they must support and accompany the man’s journey. Many young women told me before their weddings that they were proud to marry into a particularly strict Hasidic group and willingly entered a relationship defined by severe stringency.”
She found a wide range of responses among women. “Some describe difficulty, but others express pride and a sense of belonging, a voluntary partnership in what they see as a healthy relationship. These women have a rich inner world that finds no expression in written texts.”
Where do they speak if not in writing?
“That is an excellent question. Often there is no formal space. Over time, informal forums emerge where young women and couples open up.”
She adds that some couples outwardly remain within the Hasidic framework while privately diverging. Others leave entirely, sometimes dissolving families. Women often try to preserve the home, even as men leave kollel to work, a move sometimes perceived as a breach of an unspoken covenant.
Men are surrounded by supervision in yeshiva, she notes, while women enter the workforce and encounter liberal environments, creating difficult gaps. “Only recently have women become more willing to speak openly in research about these challenges.”