“I’m very active on social media, and one question I’m repeatedly asked — not only by women — is why people find themselves drawn to partners who are bad for them, and where that tendency comes from,” said Dr. Liraz Margalit, a social psychologist who studies behavior in the digital age.
“One reason for this recurring, sometimes destructive pattern is an unconscious attempt to fix something from the past, from childhood. I’ll explain: When I go on a date and feel a very strong attraction to a certain man, it’s quite possible that, unconsciously, I’m identifying a conflict pattern I had with my father or mother. These unconscious parts suddenly take over and create that feeling of attraction.
“It’s important to understand that certain parts of the brain, especially the so-called reptilian brain, experience time as if it hasn’t passed. If time hasn’t passed, then that pattern exists in the here and now. Sometimes it’s in the person’s voice, sometimes in their facial expressions, but being around them feels familiar.
“So when the unconscious is activated, it goes on high alert. It says, ‘This is it,’ and develops a hidden drive to resolve what once was. It’s as if it says, ‘True, I was never good enough, but now, in this relationship, I have a chance to prove myself, to fix the past.’ But what actually happens is that the person repeats the same destructive pattern and recreates, again and again, a relationship that isn’t good for them.”
How do these patterns form?
“Attachment patterns develop in the first year of life, in response to the relationship between the infant and the primary caregiver. There is secure attachment, where the key word is responsiveness. When a mother consistently responds to a baby’s needs, the child learns that the world is a safe place and that they have a sense of agency and control. If I do something and someone responds, even imperfectly, it means I’ve managed to affect the world — and that’s a powerful ability.
“The other attachment styles are anxious-ambivalent and avoidant. Ambivalent attachment develops when the mother is sometimes there and sometimes not. We’re often talking about mothers who are very preoccupied with themselves. They need their quiet, so they don’t prioritize the baby’s needs. The child then learns that the mother is inconsistent.
“The issue is that uncertainty works a bit like B.F. Skinner’s experiments with rats: If I don’t know when food will arrive, I keep pressing the lever. These children become very clingy. They don’t want their mother to leave, because they’re afraid she might not return.”
Dr. Margalit said these attachment patterns carry into adulthood and shape behavior in romantic relationships. “We tend to see more women than men with anxious-ambivalent patterns. A woman like that might go on a date, and if the man glances at the waitress, it immediately triggers her anxiety. Or if he doesn’t reply to a WhatsApp message right away — even if she sees he’s online — suddenly, in her mind, he’s already ‘dead’ to her,” she said, using a Hebrew slang term meaning someone is cut off.
“Because an insecure neural pathway formed in childhood, even the smallest thing can activate their anxiety. These are people who quickly put the relationship at the center of their lives. After one date, they’re already planning the wedding. Everything is obsessive, exaggerated, because they need love so badly. At the same time, it’s like a bottomless pit — no matter how much love their partner shows, it’s never enough. The smallest trigger sets them off.
“Avoidant individuals, by contrast, learn they’re best off not asking for anything. They learned this because when they cried, their mother wasn’t there, didn’t respond to their needs, and it triggered anxiety in her. They internalize that they have no choice but to rely only on themselves.”
How does that show up in adulthood?
“In adulthood, avoidant types are often the men who ‘ghost.’ You go on two or three dates, everything seems fine, and suddenly he disappears. Why? Likely because of avoidant attachment. As intimacy begins to develop, when things get too close, avoidant individuals feel overwhelmed and can’t handle that emotional flooding, because no one ever showed them how to experience or process emotions.”
'Our brain pushes us toward the familiar, even when it hurts us'
“We estimate that at least 65% of people fall into anxious, ambivalent or avoidant categories,” Margalit said. She described a simple exercise she uses to help people identify their pattern: “I ask what happens in their body during a positive or negative event, how strongly they feel it on a scale of 0 to 10.
“Anxious and ambivalent individuals feel it throughout their body. They experience emotional flooding. Then I ask: When something happens, do you need to be with people and talk about it repeatedly, or do you need to be alone and withdraw?
“It’s important to understand that the brain wasn’t designed for happiness or satisfaction. It’s designed for survival. That’s why it steers us toward the familiar, even if the familiar harms us. From the brain’s perspective, that’s safer than a new pattern. So when people ask, ‘Why am I drawn to the same type over and over, and they always hurt me?’ — this is the reason.”
Dr. Margalit also cautioned against a common therapeutic approach. “Psychological treatment is becoming more popular, but many therapists, in trying to build rapport, create a kind of shared ‘enemy,’ usually the parent. They attribute all the patient’s difficulties to the parent. It can feel good — the patient gains insight and feels close to the therapist.
“But in my view, that’s the worst thing that can happen, especially in the context of attachment theory. Even if parents are responsible for these patterns, until we can forgive them, we won’t be able to forgive ourselves or feel whole. There’s no point in saying, ‘My mother did this or that.’ On the contrary, people who grow and change are those who say, ‘Maybe my parents didn’t act perfectly, but those were the tools they had. They did the best they could.’
“Yes, there are catastrophic parents,” she added, “but in most cases, parents do their best. So to change these patterns, we first need to forgive them.”
“The second important step is to examine how the person I’ve just met makes me feel when I’m with them. That’s the most important thing to look for while dating, even before asking whether I find them interesting. If I constantly feel anxious and insecure around them, maybe they’re not right for me — maybe I’m repeating the same pattern.”
At the same time, one of the principles of erotic attraction is increased heart rate, a sense of danger or uncertainty that fuels desire. How do you balance comfort with passion?
“Attraction rises quickly and fades quickly. It’s not just about physical traits — it’s also about the story we tell ourselves. Sometimes there’s no immediate attraction, but as I get to know the person — see how they are with my friends, for example — attraction can grow. That’s far more common than people think. The myth that attraction must be immediate has no basis in reality.”
I hear that more from women. They say they spent time with someone and suddenly developed feelings: ‘He wasn’t my type, not someone I’d swipe right on Tinder, but he turned out to be so kind and charismatic that I became attracted to him.’
“That’s true. You hear it less from men, for a somewhat superficial but biological reason — men still need the woman beside them to look good. It may sound primitive, but it’s a status symbol, a measure of masculinity. Being with an attractive woman raises their perceived social standing.”
What about height — why do many women say they’re attracted to tall men?
“It’s not just height — it’s also features like a defined jawline. These are markers of masculinity linked to testosterone, and higher testosterone is associated with greater fertility.”
So how can someone know who is right for them, if we’re wired to be attracted to unhealthy patterns?
“Today, when we look at compatibility, there are some must-haves. Attitudes toward money, for example, are at the top. Education as well — if one partner is educated and the other is not, research consistently shows it won’t work. People need a shared language and common ground. Otherwise, even if there’s strong attraction, after a couple of years she may realize she can’t have a conversation with him or introduce him to her friends, and the attraction will fade.
“And returning to attachment patterns, we repeatedly see that avoidant men and ambivalent women are drawn to each other. The problem is that unless they learn how to manage it, there will be a clash. A typical example is a woman waiting at home to have dinner with her partner. He’s late, and she starts spiraling. She calls repeatedly, he doesn’t answer, and she’s on the verge of panic.
“When he finally walks in, she starts yelling. But he, when yelled at, shuts down. He can’t handle the emotional intensity, so he withdraws — goes to another room or leaves the house. From her perspective, it proves she was right: he doesn’t communicate. But in reality, it’s a collision between their attachment styles. If they understand each other’s ‘operating systems,’ they can solve many of their problems.
“Most people don’t realize that just as every appliance comes with an instruction manual, so do we. This applies to sex as well. Some couples schedule sex once or twice a week, but you can’t behave normally all day and then suddenly flip a switch and expect intimacy.
“Sex and intimacy should develop throughout the day. You need to understand your partner’s ‘instructions’ — what makes them feel desired and seen. Don’t wait until night to start from scratch. Send kind messages during the day, build anticipation, and don’t assume your partner operates the same way you do. We’re different people.”
First published: 04:40, 03.28.26