1. Your poor relative will bring a more expensive gift than you expected, your wealthy relative will bring a cheaper gift than you expected, and your richest relative will bring nothing; he thinks his mere presence is a worhty gift in itself.
2. The more people you invite, the more people will be insulted that they weren’t invited.
3. When the banquet hall manager promises you “imported whiskey,” remind him there is no such thing as made-in-Israel whiskey.
4. The bride is not pale because she’s anxious, but rather
because she’s been subsisting on cabbage for the past three months.
5. The bride and her sister will fight before the wedding, the bride and her mother will fight before the wedding, and the bride’s mother and sister will fight before the wedding. Two days before the wedding, the father won’t be able to take it anymore and ask why they’re fighting all the time. In response, they will all unite against him.
6. The bride and groom will ask the D.J. to play “their song” as they walk up to the chuppah. Getting to the chuppah takes 0.31 seconds on average, after which everyone will stand around for the longest three minutes of their lives and wait for the song to be over already.
7. The bride’s mother will give the hairdresser a free hand to do “something special.” As a result, she will look like a sea urchin.
8. The groom is hereby advised not to boast to his friends that he’s planning to “get married in jeans.” Later, he will feel like an idiot in his Armani suit.
9. If you bring your wife-to-be along to your bachelor party, let your friends know in advance, just in case.
10. An August wedding on the beach is not romantic – it’s just damn hot.
11. You can bet someone’s younger sister will be
wearing a see-through, midriff top.
12. No, you are not allowed to invite your exes.
13. A wedding that starts near a pool will end in it.
14. To the groom: if she proposes that you come along with her to choose the dress, tell her you think it’s more romantic to see it for the first time under the chuppah. Don’t ask why; just do what I tell you.
15. The wedding night is a myth. Nobody has the energy.
16. If the wedding singer claims a standard performance is 50-minutes long, it means he has another wedding to do that night.
17. Save on main courses, splurge on desserts. That’s what everyone remembers.
18. Trance music is good for S&M; clubs, not weddings.
19. A really good wedding can be organized in a week.
If you dedicate more than two months to it, you’re asking for trouble.
20. If the wedding coordinator suggests that the waiters wear togas, Arab-style robes, or clothes reminiscent of the musical “Chicago,” fire him.
21. A math question: if a guest travels to your wedding for two hours at 80 miles an hour, how quickly will he get there? Answer: no clue, but I promise you he’ll be pissed by the time he gets there. Get married close to home.
22. Dear fathers, you may have to cash your pension plans to finance the wedding, but in return your kids will scream at you that, “It’s my wedding, and you can’t interfere.”
23. The difference between a professional D.J. and a friend who promised to “bring all my CDs from home” is like the difference between Israel’s naval commandos and Yemen’s national guard.
24. The groom’s mother has the right to say a few words, but she is kindly requested to refrain from referring to “the loved ones who are no longer with us.”
25. Similarly, kindly explain to the rabbi that if you wanted to be married by a stand-up comedian, you would have asked Jerry Seinfeld to do the ceremony.
26. Colored contact lenses are strictly forbidden. If he wanted a bride with purple eyes, he would have married a Siamese cat.
27. Men don’t give a damn about flower arrangements. Deal with it; it’s a genetic flaw.
28. By the time you get around to watching your wedding video, there no longer will be any VCR’s in the world.
29. Most importantly: Regardless of what happened during the event (including Uncle Abraham’s stroke, and the kebabs turning into charcoal), the bride and groom are always convinced they had the most amazing wedding in the world; and there is no reason to tell them otherwise.
Yair Lapid has a regular column in 'Yedioth Ahronoth,' is a published author and hosts a populat TV series