Kabbalat panim: This means, "How come the ladies get all the good food and booze while we're stuck with four tins of Chinese food, sponge cake, and one bottle of Old Williamsburg?"
It is here that the chatan’s (groom’s) friends psyche themselves up for merriment like a college football squad while rabbis surround the chatan and pore over a document that looks like the Declaration of Independence. Ironic, since this is the exact opposite of what he's getting himself into.
The mother and mother-in-law then come in to break a plate. They will never get it right on the first try. They will not get it right on the second try either. On the third try they will usually be successful, but they will also break several fingernails in the process. The reason they break a plate is to exact vengeance on the wedding hall, who's charging them an arm and a leg for everything. The hall gives them an unbreakable plate for spite.
Badeken: This means, "Anybody who's in the way is gonna be trampled."
The groom’s friends escort him toward the kallah (bride), all the while dancing backwards, smashing into the buffet tables, the band, and innocent bystanders - and singing, "Od Yeshama," which means, "Strange, we've sang this song hundreds of times at every wedding we've ever been to, but we still don't know the exact lyrics, we don't know what they mean, and we can never sing it in sync with each other or the horn section..
The groom then approaches the bride and draws a veil over her face. Traditionally, this is because he needs to identify her as the person he wishes to marry. I don't know about you, but I think that covering somebody's face would probably inhibit an appropriate identification. Somebody should attempt to switch brides before the chuppa to test whether this technique is effective.
The mother and mother-in-law cry a lot at this point.
This is not because they're happy; it is because the father and grandfather of the bride just completely ruined her expensive hairdo when they splathered their hands on her head to bless her that she should "bring forth multitudes." That has GOT to hurt. Therefore they wail in empathy. Don't forget their fingernails; they're still hurting from the plate-break.
Chuppa: This means, "Halacha (Jewish law) says we should make it under the sky, but we'll just remove a ceiling tile and settle for asbestos above us."
The groom comes in and stands under the chuppa, then some friends and family walk down the aisle, followed by adorable little flower-tossing kids who are completely bewildered as to what everyone's laughing about, and wondering where that Barney tune is coming from.
The bride then enters and circles around the groom seven times to show that he is the center of her universe. This upsets egalitarians, so the groom in turn encircles his bride's finger with a ring to show that she is the center of his universe. Now everyone's happy.
The groom then says "Harei at mikudeshet lee b'tabat zu k'dat Moshe v'yisrael." This means, "Here goes nothing.”
Sheva Brachot (seven wedding blessings) are then recited by an assortment of relatives and scholars who all seem to be amazed that they were selected, thinking that the other people nominated in their category had a better chance of winning.
The groom then attempts to break the glass, but like his mother and new mother-in-law, he will miss the first time, fracture his arch the second time, and finally smash the glass on the third try, at the very least.
Yichud: This means, "Rejoice privately, but make it quick before the photographers get here and put you through all sorts of uncomfortable poses.”
Martin Bodek is co-founder of humor website TheKnish.com . He's been published in The Jewish Press, Country Yossi, bangitout.com, jewishworldreview.com, scoogiespin.com, and Modern Magazine. His work has also been translated for Germany's only weekly Jewish newspaper, The Judische Allgemeine.
First published: 13:39, 03.17.5