Since days of old, man has been trying to correctly define the elusive feeling of connection between a man and woman. It is that feeling that constitutes the necessary common denominator of a strong and long lasting relationship.
As is known, love has different strengths and many faces and changes as often as a living-breathing creature. The magic that connects a couple is individual to them and reflects their relationship. A loving relationship is like no other in its strength, depth and quality.
King Solomon relates to this in his Proverbs: “He who has found a woman, has found good”. Yet in Ecclesiastes, he writes “And I find more bitter than death the woman”. It appears that there is a significant contradiction in these two verses written by the same man. However, If we delve into the depth of these words, we will discover an important idea that sheds light on this subject and will settle the contradiction.
In the first verse the word “found” is in the past tense, and in the second verse “find” is in the present tense. The use of the past tense teaches that man has found the soul mate that was intended for him from above. Meaning, that man and woman are two halves of one soul that were separated before they came into this world and are yearning to be reunified.
The Zohar deals with relationships and teaches that the man and the woman are called “Palga D’gufa” (half a body) until they are married (marriage in Hebrew is Nisuim from the word Nis’im which means raising up), where they are united and are called one body. However, if the relationship is dependent on the present tense and is based on the satisfaction of desires and momentary impulses then it will quickly descend into a shallow and bitter union.
In the correct situation, the word “woman” appears after the word “found”, yet in the negative description it says, “I find….the woman”. This idea hints at “I find, for my own personal benefit, the woman”.
This teaches us that when a man is searching for the “me” in a relationship, meaning, he is worrying about his own personal needs for shallow, selfish purposes, then there will be bitter results and the relationship is doomed to failure. However, if the man is wise enough to give his wife the appropriate attention and bestow warmth and love upon her, and worry about her needs more than his own, then the relationship will be strong and long lasting.
Maimonides, in his book “Yad Hachazakah” brings in the words of the Kabbalists to demonstrate how a couple has to treat each other in order for them to have a successful relationship. I would like to point out that he clearly enunciates this idea and I recommend every Jewish household to implement it.
Find or found?
The Babylonian Talmud states that on his wedding night, under the Chuppah the groom would be asked: “Did you find or have you found?” (Brachot,8) This question hints to the two verses above and informs the groom that the results of his marriage are dependent on him and his approach to his wife.
If you have “found” it will be good, if you “find” it will be bad. Judaism places the results of the relationship on the man and on his personal outlook. This is based on the biological and psychological differences between the two sexes. It obligates the man to treat his spouse with the utmost respect and esteem, even more than his own honor.
In my professional life as a therapist who has dealt for many years with love and relationship issues, I often see couples whose lives are like a ship on a stormy sea. Often it is due to a lack of mutual understanding or lack of emphasis on the little details that make a strong relationship. Sometimes, a couple is just mismatched which leads to an unstable, destructive relationship.
I do not mean to place the entire burden on the man as the one who is responsible for maintaining a successful relationship. Certainly, the woman’s behavior is a deciding factor. But in this article I am speaking to the men in our society and ask them without any discrimination, to do what is necessary in a relationship.
Dear man, remember that your house is a kingdom. Do you want to sit on the royal throne? Make your wife the queen and then you will be the king.
Yitzchak Aharon is a Kabbalist, head of the “Chochma” institute, author and lecturer on the secrets of the Kabbalah