His friend blew him off. Just like that, out of the blue, he called my significant other and told him they are done. Like a kid giving someone the silent treatment, they stopped playing together. “He said I was heavy, and a little needy and sometimes overcritical,” he said sadly, when I asked him how could the affair, which began in nursery school, survived in high school and blossomed in the military, overcame jealous girlfriends trying to break them apart and strengthening in the face of distance, be over.
Their friendship dissolved only recently. “He has other friends, more lighthearted. He goes on trips with them now,” I heard him say in a melancholy voice, unconsciously rating himself below those anonymous friends. Trodden and disappointed, but mostly embarrassed at the sudden end of the relationship, my significant other turned to new friends for comfort, and recovered over time. I, on the other hand, have not been able to get over the insult to this day.
Determined to protect him, and with an uncontrollable urge to make peace, I called that friend. I wanted to do what my significant other did not want or was unable to do: Get an admission that it was the fault of some meddlesome friend, a misunderstanding, a sentence that accidentally offended. But his ex-friend gave me no logical reason, and the connection was dropped entirely, with no agreement or decision in favor of one or the other.
“It’s none of your business,” my other fumed when he found out I tried to defend his honor and interfered in somebody else’s fight. Maybe he does not even want him back, I wondered. “You’re worse then my mother!” he stated, temporarily quieting my bruised ego, the ego that takes in all the insults, both mine and his, but for some reason only chooses to respond to insults aimed at him.
The case slowly disappeared from our lives. My other has other friends. But every time I hear from him about a screaming boss, a loaded situation with an unsupportive uncle or a colleague who made fun at his expense, I immediately take offense.
These people did not intend to hurt me, but they passed through him and reached me anyway. I get upset that someone close to me is hurt. Even when I agreed with every word of criticism against him, even when the naysayer repeated my very arguments, instead of finding support for my claims, I raged: How dare they speak to him that way?
It is as though I have reserved the right for nay saying. I explained to myself my anger by claiming that I am allowed to criticize and blame, because I would do it lovingly and gently, and with no intention of hurting him.
Experience of merging
I am not alone in this. Apparently, many people take it to heart when someone tries to hurt their partner. According to clinical psychologist Irit Kleiner-Paz, there is an experience of merging and loss of boundaries in a relationship, even if it is a new one.
“The partner is not exactly a separate person. In fact, in my subjective perception he becomes a part of me. Therefore when someone insults them, I feel like I was insulted. After all, I chose them, and so every insult about them is also implied criticism about my taste, and the quality of the ‘catch’ I got.”
According to Kleiner-Paz, it is a natural reaction to rush to the aid of those close to us, even if we completely agree with the criticism. “We defend our loved ones through cross-criticism, argument or even ending relationships. It is not rare that a girl distances herself from her girlfriends because they do not like her new boyfriend. She defends him and herself from the tension that will result, and from her discomfort at hearing her friends’ opinion of her mate.”
How to deal with overprotecting a partner?
“It is very important to grow and develop a healthy separateness between spouses. This means that it is important to mentally separate between myself and my spouse. If someone is angry with him, criticizes him or hurts him, it is best to leave it to him whether to defend himself and how, whether or not to fight back.
"The lack of separateness also works in the other direction: We might become ashamed of our partner and see every mistake they make as out own mistake. This is also something to grow out of. Not everything that happens with her has to do with me and affects me,” explains Kleiner-Paz.
We often choose partners who, at least outwardly, are our opposite in some qualities, our completion. Often, these are the very qualities which drive us mad.
“For example, if a messy scattered man chooses a responsible and organized woman, out of the subconscious expectation that she will organize his life for him, it will start bothering him soon enough and he will feel that she is bossy and running his life. At that point, if his friends will make fun of her, they will intensify his sense of marrying a ‘boss’. Everyone will forget and ignore that those management and organizational skills are the reason he married her,” say Kleiner-Paz.
In some situations it might be convenient to project our shortcomings on our spouse: “Sometimes a guest will come when the house is a mess, and I might say ‘It’s him and his mess’ and ignore the fact that some of the items strewn around the living room are mine. In these cases, criticizing the spouse protects me by hiding my part in the problem.”
Kleiner-Paz says that external criticism of a spouse gives us another perspective, whether wrong or right. “The important thing is to keep things in proportion and matter-of-factly, and not let it confuse us regarding the things we like in our partners.”