It seems that your favorite movie genre has a crucial effect over your relationship in general, and particularly, your sex life. The other day my girlfriend and I engaged in a little experiment: “Let’s each write a list of the 10 movies that influenced us the most,” she suggested, “then we’ll compare the results.” Hold on, I thought, this sounds like a trap, but let’s try anyway.
We could have predicted the results. Indeed, masterpieces like “Midnight Express” and “Cinema Paradiso,” appeared on both lists – though not in the same order – but by the time we got to “Star Wars” versus “The Bridges of Madison County,” we knew we had a problem.
It can't be helped; men and women react differently to events on the silver screen. As a child I loved Bruce Lee – every guy with an average testosterone level, has experienced, at least once in his life the “I feel like kicking some a….” sensation. That’s why my friends and I used to burst out of the theater yelling at the top of our lungs looking like madmen. I identified with what I saw so much that I tried a karate kick on a bucket. Unfortunately, I ended up in hospital. The innocent-looking bucket was filled with cement.
Contrary to men, women suffer from the “I need a hug” syndrome and that’s why we get into trouble. So allow me to give you some advice: If you find yourselves in a theater and you happen to hear your loved one whisper “oh.. this is just so.. sad," and you're not watching “Lethal weapon 3,” you can expect weeping to follow. So, show some sensitivity! Even go as far as clearing your throat and if she asks “are you crying too?” say, “hell, no” and add some sniffling sounds.
I shouldn't be telling you this but I found myself watching "300" this week. Seeing the Spartan warriers slaughter their Persian enemies in slow-motion, reminded me of the modern Persian who’s threatening us with missiles instead of elephants. Something about it took me back to my years on active duty with its “never surrender,” “fight till the end,” “don’t complain” themes and I soon pictured myself as the Spartan empreror kicking Ahmadinejad till that evil smile is wiped off his face.
That's my point: I realized that every war in history was the result of that “I feel like kicking some a..." urge. That’s the key! Men just love to fight.
I’m probably not the first person to say it, it's enough to observe nature. In fact, everyone who ever stepped out at night and encountered two male cats in heat, figured fighting is a male hobby.
"Brad Pitt – the next career move" (Photo: AP)
Okay, you’ll say, what do you want? After all, we are animals too. So we fight over women and some other things. And I say, true, but... And it’s a big “but,” but maybe if we chose the feminine “I need a hug” attitude, the world would be a better place.
So, here goes: the first international petition for giving women control, because:
- WWF will be replaced by mud wrestling
- There will be much less belches
- An international ”Zit Popping Day" will be instituted
- All movies will be romantic comedies or dramas
- Tissue prices will go down
- Nose picking will be prohibited
- Instead of the World Cup we’ll have an intellectual discussion: Brad Pitt – the next career move
- To avoid mishaps at weddings, there will be only one dress of each style
- Fashion police will take over
- Free parking everywhere for homosexuals
- Punishment for not using deodorant – three days in jail
- At 11th-grade all boys will have to take “improving foreplay” classes
- All 11th -rade girls will grade boys in above-mentioned class
- The word “fat” will be erased from the vocubulary
- Same goes for the word “ugly”
- The military’s budget will be redirected to developing artficial nails
- The Star of David will be painted pink
- Specialized shoes-only malls will be opened
- And bags-only malls
- The most common question in the army will be “hey, man, feel like sharing?”
- Every highway will have a dedicated lane for male drivers
- Men will be forced to join a gym and actually go
- Prices of phone calls will be immediately lowered
- When we’ll google “women rule” we will get the prime miniser’s office and not the BDSM portal
- A Sex Education Ministry will be established
- Before reporting to reserve duty, soldiers will get a pedicure
- Every food will have a diet version. Falafel too.
- No more wars
- No more wars
- No more wars…