Tu B’Av arrives this year as tens of thousands of Israeli couples continue to live between reserve duty rotations, repeated call-ups and a routine that has never fully returned.
While the Jewish holiday of love is usually associated with romance and grand gestures, many families are confronting a more basic question: How do you preserve a relationship through prolonged stress, loneliness and uncertainty?
The strain is already visible in the data. A survey conducted by the Digamma Institute for Habayit, an organization supporting reserve and career military families, found that 77% of the 125 families seeking assistance did so because of relationship and family communication difficulties.
About 60% said that during certain periods they felt they were simply surviving from day to day, without looking ahead.
These findings reflect what many therapists are seeing: The problem is not necessarily a lack of love, but the erosion of partnership and the difficulty of continuing to function as a team amid repeated reserve duty, heavy responsibilities and profound loneliness.
Many couples expect the return from reserve duty to bring relief. A partner is finally home, and life is supposed to return to normal.
In practice, that stage can be one of the most complicated.
While one partner is away, the household continues to function. The partner who remains home makes decisions alone, solves problems alone and often carries nearly the entire burden of family life.
When the reservist returns, they enter a household that has already learned to operate in a different way. The children may have grown accustomed to one parent as the principal decision-maker, responsibilities have shifted and priorities may have changed.
The central challenge is therefore not simply coming home, but learning how to synchronize again and become two people jointly managing the same family.
Love is not enough. Couples must know how to talk
One common mistake is assuming that a romantic gesture will solve the problem.
Flowers, a gift or a dinner together may be pleasant and meaningful, but they do not resolve months of accumulated overload, loneliness or frustration.
Such gestures may say, “I love you,” but they do not answer questions such as: How should responsibility now be divided? How do we address the gaps that developed? How do we begin functioning as a team again?
When a couple is managing a household, children, work and reserve duty, love alone is not enough. They also need open communication, coordinated expectations and the ability to stop and discuss what is actually happening.
One of the most common disappointments during reserve duty is each partner assuming the other should already understand what they are going through
(Photo: Shutterstock)
Even when couples decide to talk, however, many fall into the same trap. They begin with one incident from the past week and within minutes are arguing about money, children, household chores and every frustration accumulated over the previous months.
The two partners have been living in very different realities. Precisely for that reason, things must be said explicitly rather than assuming the other person already knows or understands.
If I am struggling, need help or feel alone, I must say so.
When 10 separate problems are raised in one conversation, none of them is truly addressed.
Couples should instead hold a regular 20-minute “team meeting.” One partner receives five minutes to explain what was difficult, the other receives five minutes to share their experience, and the remaining 10 minutes are used to develop a practical solution together.
The objective is not to assign blame or win an argument. It is to understand what happened and determine how the couple can handle it differently next time.
Sometimes people simply need to be heard
One of the greatest relationship difficulties during reserve duty is the feeling that no one truly understands what you are going through.
The partner who remained home may describe the loneliness, pressure and exhaustion, only to receive an explanation, an argument or an attempt to minimize those feelings.
Often, what that person needs most is simply for their partner to stop and listen.
Do not immediately search for a solution, and do not argue with the feeling being expressed.
Loneliness during reserve duty does not result only from physical absence. It also comes from the feeling that at the most difficult moments, the person who is supposed to stand beside you is not there.
That moment may be a difficult evening with the children, an especially demanding day or a crisis in which all one wants is someone to share the responsibility.
Sometimes the most important response is: “I understand how difficult that must have been for you.”
Do not expect your partner to guess
A common source of disappointment is the assumption that the other partner should already understand.
The person who remained home may believe the burden and loneliness are obvious. The reservist may feel that the hardship, danger and distance from home should be understood without explanation.
In reality, the two partners have been living through very different experiences.
That is why they must speak clearly and avoid assuming that the other person knows what they are feeling.
Not every conversation must happen the moment an issue arises. Sometimes one partner is simply not emotionally available for a meaningful discussion.
In those cases, it is important to say honestly: “I want to talk about this, but not right now,” and specify when the conversation will take place.
Knowing that the discussion has been postponed rather than dismissed creates security and helps prevent unnecessary hurt.
Recognition strengthens more than criticism
Another issue that appears in almost every conversation with couples is a lack of recognition.
Many partners feel they are doing far more than usual but that no one truly sees their effort.
During such periods, simple expressions of acknowledgment and appreciation become especially meaningful.
This does not require extravagant compliments or dramatic gestures. It may be enough to say: “I saw how hard you worked,” “I know this was not easy for you,” or “I noticed how much effort you put in.”
People need to feel seen. Often, that recognition strengthens a relationship far more than criticism or advice.
Help should begin with listening
Since the war began, many people have wanted to support reserve families, but the help being offered is not always what families actually need.
Friends or relatives may suggest a romantic weekend or a night out, while the couple may need something much simpler and more practical.
That could be a warm meal, help with the children or funding for a house cleaner once or twice a month.
The most important question is not, “How do I want to help?” but, “What would actually help you right now?”
Effective assistance begins with listening to the family’s real needs. Even when it is impossible to do everything, people can offer clear and concrete support.
A small, focused and consistent form of help may create the greatest difference.
Choosing to become a team again
After nearly three years of war, recurring call-ups and constantly changing routines, many couples are discovering that the greatest challenge is not preserving love but preserving partnership.
Love usually does not disappear in a single day. It can, however, gradually erode when each partner feels they are carrying their hardship alone, when painful issues are left unspoken and when both stop recognizing the daily effort of the person beside them.
Ahead of Tu B’Av, it is worth remembering that a relationship is not measured only through grand gestures or beautiful words.
It is also measured by the ability to stop, listen, make room for the other person’s experience and repeatedly choose to sit on the same side of the table.
Sometimes that means a brief conversation. Sometimes it is a compliment, a request for help or simply the ability to say: “I understand you.”
Those are the actions that restore a sense of partnership and allow couples to once again feel close, connected and united, even during the most difficult periods.
Diana Eidelman is a couples and family counselor and an EFT instructor. She serves as a professional adviser to the support program operated by Habayit for reserve and career military families.