Hagit Artzi, 52, is a sex therapist and art therapist. She is married for the second time, a mother of three and lives in Hadera.
Hi, Hagit. What is the most common complaint you hear in your clinic from women going through menopause?
“During the reproductive years, many women are preoccupied with motherhood and raising children, and when that stage ends, a sense of loss can emerge. Many patients describe growing distant from their partner and a decline in their sex life after the children leave home.”
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'Sexuality doesn’t disappear, it simply asks us to learn it again'
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Interesting. Why does that happen?
“After years in which the relationship revolved around the children, their departure can expose distance between the partners that was already there. Suddenly, that shared focus is gone, there is more space in the house, and sometimes couples even move into separate rooms. Some discover that the relationship has become less interesting or that attraction has faded.”
How else does menopause affect sexuality?
“At this age, there are of course physical changes: vaginal dryness, fatigue, hot flashes and hormonal changes, which can affect sexual desire and body image. A painful sexual experience can create avoidance. If the last time we had sex penetration was uncomfortable, it is natural not to want to repeat it. That can create a cycle in which touch is avoided and the distance between partners keeps growing.”
Hagit Artzi
(Photo: Courtesy)
Do women going through menopause sometimes feel that they are no longer supposed to be sexual?
“Absolutely. There is still a social perception that sexuality belongs mainly to young people, and that a woman at this age is no longer supposed to concern herself with it. Sometimes women ask themselves whether they are allowed to be sexual, to explore, enjoy themselves or begin a new relationship.
“I also meet women who have divorced and need to enter the dating world again. They wonder whether to open a profile on an app, what their children will think and what is considered acceptable at their age. Part of the work is letting go of those prejudices and understanding that sexuality can be celebrated at any age.”
Can menopause actually lead to a sexual blossoming?
“Certainly. When the daily focus on the children decreases, something is released. Suddenly there is more time for yourself, for the relationship and for pleasure.
“Many women reach this stage feeling more self-confident, more professionally and financially established and more aware of their own needs. There is also freedom from the fear of pregnancy, and for religious women who no longer menstruate, there can sometimes be a significant change around the laws of niddah. That opens a new space in which sex can take place without the same restrictions.”
What can women do when dryness or pain interferes with sex?
“First of all, don’t ignore the pain and don’t try to carry on as usual. You can consult a gynecologist and see which solutions are appropriate, and in some cases pelvic-floor physiotherapy can also help.
“It is important to find a suitable lubricant and devote more time to touch, closeness and foreplay rather than immediately aiming for penetration.
“Sex does not have to look the way it did in the past. The body changes, so sexuality can change too. The goal is not to recreate exactly what was, but to discover what feels good and right now.”
What do you suggest to women at this age who have difficulty reaching orgasm?
“This is a time for renewed exploration. Maybe in the past it was easier to reach orgasm in a certain way, and now the body needs a different kind of touch, a different rhythm or more time.
“I suggest that women first explore for themselves what feels good to them now, and only afterward communicate that information to their partner.
“There is no need to see the change as a failure. It is a kind of system reboot. Sexuality does not disappear, it simply asks us to learn it again.”
How does art therapy fit into your work as a sex therapist?
“It brings in creative thinking and helps us understand that there is no single correct way to experience sexuality.
“One tool I like is a ‘sexual timeline,’ through which we look at sexuality across the course of a person’s life and examine which experiences, beliefs or difficulties from the past are affecting the present.
“Menopause can be a good time to address issues that were pushed aside for years. Suddenly there is more availability, awareness and confidence, and you can say: Now is my time to understand what I want and create a new formula for myself.”
Sex tip: “Listen to your body and rediscover what feels good”