For years, Abby Eldad says, being approached by men made her anxious rather than flattered. “When someone hit on me, I would be surprised and stressed because I thought they were making fun of me,” she says. “Men rarely made the first move because, as I was told, I came across as unapproachable, intimidating and snobbish, though I’m actually the friendliest nerd. I was usually the one making the first move, and I was turned down a lot,” she says.
“Once, I went up to a guy at a bar and he laughed in my face, saying, ‘You and me? Haha.’ It was unpleasant and shook my confidence, but I reminded myself it was a matter of taste and tried not to take it personally.”
These days, Eldad says, she is less likely to approach men herself. “I really feel I deserve to stop chasing love and let it come to me,” she says. “I’d love for someone to approach me directly, but respectfully and kindly. I want to feel courted and loved, and to know that someone truly wants me.”
Eldad, this week’s bachelorette, is a third-year biology student. Her schedule is demanding, with studies every day from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m., but she says she will make time for the man her heart chooses. She describes herself as curious and eager to learn. She likes Torah classes, reading and keeping up with new articles. She is home-oriented, close to her family and says she has a lot of love to give. She wakes up each morning with a sense of mission and a desire to make the world better, and she wants a partner who will see the beauty in that and want to join her.
“I’m looking for a husband who, like me, believes in acts of kindness and truly seeing other people,” she says. “I moved to Jerusalem shortly after October 7 and felt a sense of emptiness, so on Fridays, before Shabbat, I would buy challahs and pastries and bring them to hospitals to lift people’s spirits.”
“Some men mocked me for it, asking, ‘What, don’t you have anything better to do with your time?’ or ‘What are you, a sucker?’ I want a partner who will understand me, someone with values and a generous heart. I think whoever ends up with me will be very happy, because I love with my whole heart. I see my partner, learn and support him, and always try to be better for him.”
Eldad says she is not impressed by money or showy romantic gestures. “I don’t need money or flashy gestures. I want his heart, his words and actions. If you booked a luxurious weekend at a hotel, that’s wonderful and thank you, but let’s go buy groceries for Shabbat and cook a meal together, that would mean even more to me.
“I want a fun man who doesn’t lean on his money, because he has a rich inner world. I once dated someone who worked two jobs and very long hours, so I asked him why he was pushing himself so hard. He told me, ‘I want my children to be able to take any after-school class they want.’ I found that amazing, because he wasn’t working hard for a luxury car or a big house. He was doing it for his future children, and that gave it meaning.”
How do you usually meet men?
“I deleted the apps because I realized they felt like a meat market and nothing good would come of it. I’m not into hookups; I’m a relationship person. I’ve had long relationships, lasting one year, two years and even four years. These days, I mostly meet men on social media. If there’s a good conversation and we keep texting for a few days or weeks, I’ll give it a chance.
“When I go on a first date, I pour everything out like an open book, and that isn’t necessarily a good thing, because I also talk about my flaws. I put everything on the table so I don’t waste my time or his, or unnecessary energy, expectations and excitement.”
“One guy asked me on a date, ‘Why are you telling me this?’ I told him I respected his time, and he asked, ‘What about your time? Your feelings? What about the fact that you’re sharing things you may not actually feel comfortable sharing right now?’ It didn’t lead to a second date, but I learned a lot from him.
“I’d love a partner I can learn from and grow with, someone communicative and honest. I want us to share similar interests and be able to speak on the same intellectual level.”
What else are you looking for in a man?
“These days, I try not to be too rigid, because I don’t want to miss out on people just because they don’t match the exact portrait I have in my head. I think more about the kind of husband and father my partner will be. It’s important to me that he loves this country and doesn’t want to live or raise children somewhere else, and that he is not anti-religion or anti-everything in general.
“I’m still secular, but I would like someone who would be open to observing Shabbat with me, so we can try it together and get to know our Judaism. I’m a very curious person who likes stepping out of her comfort zone. I want an independent man with ambition and passion for life, someone who always wants to grow, and of course someone who loves animals, especially cats, because I have a cat.”
What is your flaw?
“I’m too sensitive, and I’m not willing to compromise on my values and principles.”
What does love mean to you?
“Home. A sense of calm and quiet, where you can be who you are and let down all your defenses.”
Do you believe in love at first sight?
“Unfortunately, I’ve fallen in love at first sight more than once, despite glaring red flags, and I only ended up getting hurt.”
When was the last time your heart was broken?
“Three years ago. I had a huge love that I thought would last forever, but once the trust was broken, there was no going back.”
What have you learned about yourself in relationships?
“How much I’m willing to give for the person I love, and how far I’ll go for him.”
What is the most important thing in a relationship?
“Trust, respect, communication, friendship and encouragement.”
What offends you?
“When I think I truly know someone, build expectations and end up disappointed.”
How do you imagine your ideal partner?
“We come home together after work, eat something good and tell each other about our day. We’re best friends, laughing and being silly, and there’s a lot of attraction and love between us, until my heart bursts with pride when I talk about him and my eyes light up when I see him.”
Do you have any deal breakers?
“Violence of any kind and disrespect.”
Smoking?
“I’d really prefer not.”
What age range are you looking for?
“I’d prefer someone my age or older. The main thing is that he’s mature and doesn’t play games.”
Could you date a divorced man, with or without children?
“I wouldn’t rule it out, but I’d prefer someone in the same place in life as me.”
What was your worst date?
“I went on a date with someone, and in the restaurant parking lot there was a man who was having a hard time getting out of his parking spot. I went over to guide him, and my date got angry that I was ‘wasting time’ and even called me a sucker. I didn’t go into the restaurant with him. I realized I wasn’t interested in being with such a person.”
Describe the perfect date.
“One I don’t want to end, where I forget all the things troubling my overactive mind.”
Should a man pay on the first date?
“Preferably, yes. In any case, I’m in favor of just having coffee or something small on a first date, so there’s no awkwardness over the bill.”
What do you do in your free time?
“Study, study and study. But like everyone, I also scroll on my phone and find myself wasting hours on silly things.”
What is your favorite place and why?
“My grandparents’ house, on that sleep-inducing couch, knowing there’s food in the fridge.”
What makes you laugh?
“Less witty or nerdy jokes, more silly memes or good impressions.”
When did you last cry and why?
“A few days ago. I got emotional at a relative’s wedding.”
How close are you to your family?
“Close enough to need some time off after spending a weekend together, but not so much that I’d move too far away from them.”
What were you in a previous life?
“Whatever eats the most in relation to its size.”
What was the last series you binge-watched?
“‘Weeds.’”
What music do you listen to?
“Lots of styles, from old Israeli songs to metal and even Mizrahi music.”
Tell us something no one knows about you.
“I don’t think there is such a thing. I’m like an open book.”
How would your friends describe you?
“Cool, extremely funny, spontaneous, good at conversation and a homebody.”
What do you do on Shabbat nights?
“I love stuffing myself at dinner and playing board games until we collapse from exhaustion or wine.”
Where is the best place to approach you?
“Preferably face to face.”
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
“As a biologist doing interesting research, coming home early enough to pick up the kids, spend quality time with them and have dinner with my husband and children.”