When it unfolds under ideal circumstances, the female orgasm is the pinnacle of intense pleasure. When a woman becomes sexually aroused, blood flow to her genitals increases. The vulva and clitoris swell and become more sensitive to touch. As arousal builds, so do her heart rate, blood pressure and breathing, while her muscles may tense or contract until she reaches the long-awaited climax.
Women can experience a single orgasm or several orgasms in succession. Some describe them as distinct events, while others compare them to ripples that follow a larger wave. I like to think of them as a major earthquake followed by aftershocks and sometimes even a tsunami in the form of female ejaculation.
The difference between female and male orgasms
The physiological mechanism of orgasm and the sense of satisfaction that accompanies it are remarkably similar in women and men. Even so, there are several important differences.
The most striking is that, for a woman, an orgasm does not necessarily mark the end of a sexual encounter. It is not a period but a comma — a brief pause in a sensual journey that can continue for as long as she wishes, or until the stimulation becomes too intense.
That said, this remarkable mechanism is also extremely delicate. It is surprisingly easy to interrupt a woman's path to orgasm. Even when arousal is steadily building — vibrating, warming and gathering like a perfect wave — a fleeting distraction, a stray thought, an ill-timed comment or an imprecise touch can shatter the moment and pull her away from a climax that seemed just within reach.
I suspect most women know this feeling well: you're almost there, you can feel it coming and then, suddenly, everything slips away. Your mind wanders and the orgasm dissolves like a balloon drifting into the sky.
Many women still believe that unless they have sex with a man who "knows what he's doing," they will never reach orgasm, and they are quick to blame their partner's performance when they don't.
But an orgasm is not a reward or a prize that someone else can bestow simply by being skilled enough, touching us in all the right ways, paying attention to our needs and being generous. Sometimes our partner does everything "right" and we still do not climax.
Why?
There are dozens of reasons a woman may struggle to reach orgasm that have nothing to do with her partner. They may include not knowing what gives her pleasure, a fear of losing control, lingering effects of sexual trauma that interfere with breathing or trigger dissociation, or certain medications. For example, antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications can dampen the orgasmic response in both women and men.
There are countless reasons women struggle to climax. What they need is gentle attention, patience and, above all, an understanding that the key to addressing the problem lies with them, not with their partner.
Research suggests that nearly 30% of women do not experience orgasm, a condition known as pre-orgasmia. Some have never had an orgasm, others have had only one in their lifetime and some climax only through masturbation, not with a partner. Other women once experienced orgasms but lost that ability at some point in their lives. Sex therapists define pre-orgasmia as a long-term condition that causes distress or interferes with a woman's well-being.
It is surprisingly easy to interrupt a woman's path to orgasm
(צילום: Shutterstock)
Another difference between male and female orgasm lies in what is known as the "point of no return." Unlike women, who can move between peaks of pleasure and continue enjoying stimulation for as long as they wish, the male orgasm follows a far more linear course.
Once a man reaches his personal threshold of arousal, it becomes extremely difficult to stop the process, even if stimulation ends. His body continues forward like a vehicle that has lost control, racing toward an inevitable release.
That is why sex therapy often teaches men who want to delay ejaculation and prolong sexual activity to recognize the different stages of their arousal and learn how to manage them. Through a variety of exercises, they become more aware of the progression of sexual excitement. They learn to recognize when they are only at the beginning of the process — perhaps at level three or four, when they can still slow down or intensify stimulation — and when they have reached level seven or eight, where orgasm and ejaculation become almost impossible to control.
The idea is that a man who becomes skilled at navigating this spectrum can extend pleasure instead of becoming a slave to overwhelming desire, allowing him to climax when he chooses rather than when his body dictates.
Just as the male sexual organ is external, visible and obvious, so is the male orgasm. It is typically marked by ejaculation, making it difficult to fake.
The female orgasm, by contrast, is far more mysterious. It is not necessary for fertilization and its purpose remains unclear. Many women say they have no idea whether they have ever experienced an orgasm. They are so unfamiliar with the sensation that they cannot tell whether they have reached climax or whether they are still far from it.
The mystery of the female orgasm
The mystery surrounding the female orgasm has given rise to countless theories and myths over the years.
Some researchers once believed that during orgasm the cervix straightens, allowing the pool of semen at the top of the vagina to enter the uterus more easily, thereby increasing the chances of fertilization.
Another theory suggested that a woman's orgasm further arouses her male partner, fueling his excitement and ensuring that he ejaculates. This is probably one of the most far-fetched theories ever proposed, given that most women do not reach orgasm through penetrative sex.
Yet another hypothesis linked the female orgasm to reproduction by arguing that after climaxing a woman experiences such profound relaxation that she remains lying down, preventing semen from leaking out and improving the odds of conception.
So far, none of these theories has been proven.
At the same time, study after study has shown that most women struggle to reach orgasm through penetration alone, while pregnancies occur every day regardless of whether a woman climaxed, whether the sex was extraordinary or entirely unremarkable.
Moreover, many couples today have children without penetrative intercourse or ejaculation inside the woman's body. Fertilization can now take place under fluorescent lights in a quiet, sterile laboratory, where sperm and egg meet in a small Petri dish before the resulting embryo is transferred to the uterus through the remarkable process of in vitro fertilization.
Most women struggle to reach orgasm through penetration alone
(Photo: Shutterstock)
The mystery of the female orgasm is reinforced by another fact: our partners cannot truly know whether we have had an orgasm unless we tell them or communicate it through our bodies.
Even that can be misleading, because the female orgasm has no single, unmistakable physical expression. Some women are vocal, while others climax in silence. Some tremble, convulse and contort dramatically, while others barely move. Some break into a sweat, while others show no outward signs at all.
There are physiological indicators that may suggest a woman has reached orgasm, including an elevated heart rate, rapid breathing and flushing or redness across the chest, neck or face. But none of these signs is definitive and they do not appear in every woman.
The hierarchy of orgasms
One of the most common ways women reach orgasm is through focused, attentive, patient and playful stimulation of the clitoris, the only organ in the human body whose sole biological purpose is pleasure.
The clitoris contains more than 8,000 sensory nerve endings. It is also far larger, wider and more complex than the small external tip that most of us can see and feel.
For decades, Western discussions of sexuality attempted to rank female orgasms in a hierarchy, placing vaginal orgasms at the top, followed by blended orgasms and then clitoral orgasms. That hierarchy remains widespread today, although many feminists criticize it as part of a harmful narrative that diminishes women's experiences.
How did this way of thinking begin?
It dates back to 1905, when Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, declared that clitoral orgasms were immature and childish, while vaginal orgasms represented female maturity. His assertion harmed generations of women by portraying the most common and natural form of female pleasure — direct clitoral stimulation — as somehow incomplete or inferior.
One of Freud's most prominent critics on this issue was biologist Alfred Kinsey, the pioneer of modern sexology. Observing women's masturbation habits, Kinsey arrived at a simple conclusion: most women stimulate themselves externally. They do not need to insert fingers or objects into the vagina to reach orgasm.
In doing so, Kinsey shifted the focus from the vagina to the clitoris, demonstrating that the clitoris is at the heart of the female sexual experience.
In recent years, the classification of female orgasms has expanded even further, branching into different pleasure zones such as the G-spot and the A-spot, named after the physicians who first described them: Dr. Ernst Gräfenberg and Dr. Chua Chee Ann.
There are indeed highly pleasurable areas deep inside the vagina and around the cervix. But the truth is that all orgasms originate in the clitoris. There is no need to rank different types of orgasms. Ultimately, it matters little what you call the experience. What matters is that it brings you pleasure.
Orgasm without genital stimulation
Unlike orgasms produced by direct genital stimulation, many women report experiencing orgasms through stimulation of other parts of the body.
A common example is the nipple orgasm. Many women say that intense nipple stimulation, when they are already highly aroused, can produce a powerful orgasm. This is especially common during pregnancy, when the nipples become enlarged and more sensitive.
The first time I experienced an orgasm without direct genital stimulation came after I received a hard, unexpected smack on my buttocks. I was already highly aroused, and when the slap landed, it triggered a chain of orgasmic tremors throughout my body.
An orgasm can also occur without any physical touch at all.
Medical textbooks once ignored this possibility, but we now know that orgasm originates in the brain. Sometimes all it takes is imagination.
Three years ago, something similar happened to me.
I was attending a tantra festival packed with workshops and activities. From early morning until late at night, sessions ran almost continuously. Each workshop lasted about two hours and drew between 20 and 30 participants who, within a short time, transformed from complete strangers into companions on an intimate journey. Although nearly all the workshops focused on sexuality and reconnecting with our bodies, there were no orgies and no direct sexual contact.
A tantra festival packed with workshops and activities
(Photo: shutterstock)
The sessions explored many of the elements that make up modern sexual relationships: boundaries, communication, pleasure, body awareness and consent — all topics you will also find in this book. Most workshops began with guided meditation or incorporated meditation throughout. Although I have never considered myself particularly spiritual, I have no doubt those meditations opened something within me. As the hours passed, I felt myself filling with spiritual, almost mystical energy, or at the very least connecting with those parts of my brain.
Then, while mindlessly scrolling through Twitter — perhaps the least spiritual place imaginable and one of the quickest ways to kill sexual desire — it happened.
Electric waves of orgasm surged through my body. There was no touch, no fantasy about anyone, no obvious trigger other than the accumulated sexual energy that had been building inside me before erupting all at once.
On the second afternoon of the festival, an ecstatic dance session took place in the main tent. Dozens of barefoot people, some with their eyes closed, surrendered to electronic music that shifted between gentle trance and tribal African rhythms. The DJ conducted the dance floor like a seasoned shaman, guiding us through a dizzying journey.
Every so often he stopped the music and asked us to lie on the ground, close our eyes and breathe deeply.
"Try to let your sexual energy flow upward through your body," he said. "Allow yourselves to make sounds."
He actively encouraged us to moan and sigh as we breathed.
After an hour or an hour and a half of ecstatic dancing, breathing exercises and vocal release, my exhausted body signaled that it had had enough. I left the main tent and lay down on my sleeping bag in my small tent. The festival grounds were compact, so I could still hear the music, the sighs and the breathing of the dozens of men and women gathered nearby.
Then, while casually scrolling through Twitter — perhaps the least spiritual and least sexually stimulating place imaginable — it happened.
My legs began to tremble. Then my abdomen joined in. Suddenly my chest and vulva were moving in shifting rhythms. Pleasant vibrations spread through my body as electric waves of orgasm coursed through me. There was no physical touch, no fantasy, no clear trigger, only that accumulated inner sexual energy exploding all at once.
It was the first time I experienced what could be called an "energetic orgasm" — an orgasm that occurs without self-stimulation or a partner's touch, generated solely by sexual energy that has accumulated within the body.
Orgasm under laboratory conditions
Perhaps this story makes some of you skeptical. Maybe you're rolling your eyes so hard you think they'll get stuck. But I swear it happened to me, and I am certainly not the only one.
In recent years, researchers have begun studying energetic orgasms using scientific methods. One woman who has brought the phenomenon into the laboratory is Roni Erez, who describes herself as an "orgasm coach."
Roni Erez, who describes herself as an 'orgasm coach'
(Photo: Avigail Uzi)
In 2023, Erez received scientific validation for her ability to bring herself to orgasm without any genital stimulation. It was not, however, an ability she had always possessed. Her story begins in a far less pleasurable place.
Until the age of 48, she worked as a fitness trainer. About a decade earlier, she had been diagnosed with endometriosis, a chronic condition in which tissue similar to the uterine lining grows outside the uterus instead of leaving the body during menstruation. The misplaced tissue triggers an inflammatory response that can cause severe pain, scar tissue and adhesions. The condition affects at least 10% of women and can also interfere with sexual pleasure.
In an interview I conducted with her for ynet, Erez told me that the pain became unbearable. After much deliberation, she decided to undergo a hysterectomy at age 44, after having children.
The surgery was successful, but it apparently affected the function of her pelvic floor, causing frequent urination.
On the recommendation of a pelvic floor physical therapist, she bought a home exercise device designed to strengthen her pelvic floor muscles. The device resembles a small skateboard. Standing on it with her feet slightly apart, she practiced stabilizing herself by contracting her pelvic floor muscles.
She exercised on the device every day until one day unexpected waves of orgasm swept through her body.
"Suddenly I noticed something fascinating happening inside me," she told me. "I had an orgasm, then multiple orgasms, simply because of the movements I was making. I had intuitively discovered a movement that allowed me to pleasure myself without touching my genitals."
She repeated the movement over and over.
"I basically reverse-engineered it until I realized I'd discovered something."
Eventually she found that by moving her pelvis in a wave-like motion while standing on the device, she could reliably trigger not only orgasm but prolonged multiple orgasms.
Several years later, in the spring of 2023, after becoming highly proficient in the technique and teaching it to many women who specifically sought her out, Erez contacted James Pfaus, a professor of neuroscience in the Department of Psychology and Life Sciences, Faculty of Humanities, Charles University in Prague, who has spent four decades studying the female orgasm.
Pfaus was eager to witness the phenomenon for himself. He invited Erez to his laboratory to undergo a series of three experiments in the presence of a nurse and a urologist. His goal was to determine whether she had indeed developed a method for reaching orgasm without any genital stimulation. If proven effective, such a technique could influence the field of sex therapy and help women around the world.
From a biological standpoint, a rise in the hormone prolactin provides strong evidence that a woman has experienced an orgasm. Previous medical studies have shown that the higher the prolactin level in the blood, the more intense the orgasm.
Before the experiment, Erez underwent a blood test to establish her baseline prolactin level. The following day, after another blood sample was taken, she performed her wave technique and reached orgasm. Five minutes later, the medical team entered the examination room and collected another blood sample. A fourth sample was taken 10 minutes later.
In all, blood was drawn three times during the experiment: before she entered the laboratory, immediately after performing the technique and 15 minutes later.
The next day, she returned to the laboratory for a similar testing protocol. This time, however, she was asked to practice the wave technique continuously for 10 minutes.
On the third day, instead of performing the wave technique, she was instructed to do Pilates exercises for 10 minutes.
Why?
"As you exercise, dopamine levels increase," Erez explained. "Dopamine suppresses prolactin. So when I exercise, dopamine rises and prolactin falls. That allowed us to demonstrate that it was my technique itself that caused the increase in prolactin and confirmed that I had reached orgasm."
The results astonished Pfaus.
After just five minutes of practicing the technique, Erez's prolactin levels had risen. After 10 minutes, they had increased even more dramatically, providing clear biological evidence that she had experienced a powerful orgasm.
Erez said that on the third day, in addition to the Pilates session, researchers monitored her pelvic floor muscles using a device inserted into her vagina.
Pfaus wanted to know whether she could reach orgasm without moving her pelvic floor at all, simply by imagining the wave movement.
"He told me, 'For the next five minutes, don't do anything. Don't make the movement. Just imagine it,'" she recalled. "The monitor showed there was absolutely no activity in my pelvic floor. But every time I merely thought about the movement — literally every 10 to 15 seconds — boom! I had another orgasm."
The final experiment provided scientific evidence that orgasm can occur without direct genital stimulation, without contracting or relaxing the pelvic floor and through thought and imagination alone.
During orgasm, certain parts of the brain essentially shut down
(Photo: Shutterstock)
Erez's experience also demonstrates that, ultimately, it does not matter which part of the body is stimulated. Orgasm happens in the brain.
Which areas of the brain are active during orgasm?
A fascinating study published in 2006 found that during orgasm, certain parts of the brain essentially shut down, as though they clocked out for the day and left the rest of the brain to fend for itself.
The regions that temporarily reduce their activity are areas of the cerebral cortex responsible for self-control, moral reasoning and social judgment.
This may help explain why so many women struggle to reach orgasm. Letting go of control, quieting the mind and stopping the constant evaluation of consequences can be both difficult and frightening.
Sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson called this phenomenon "spectatoring." They found that when we spend sexual encounters worrying about how we look or how we are performing, we distance ourselves from the experience itself.
As a result, we enjoy sex less, are less likely to reach orgasm and may have little desire to repeat the experience, whether with the same partner or anyone else.
Israeli researcher Ateret Gewirtz-Meydan, associate professor, in the Faculty of Social Welfare and Health Sciences at the University of Haifa, provides another example of spectatoring.
In a series of studies involving Israeli men and women who watch pornography, she found that women with anxious attachment styles — those who constantly worry about the stability of their romantic relationships — experience significantly greater anxiety during sex.
According to the research, repeated exposure to pornographic imagery makes these women overly conscious of their performance and of how their bodies look and behave during sex. When reality does not match the images they have internalized, they struggle to let go and surrender to pleasure.
The brain regions responsible for morality and social judgment also become particularly active in what is known as the "Madonna-whore complex."
First described by Freud, this psychological split categorizes women as either respectable or sexually available and therefore somehow dangerous.
Women have internalized these distorted messages for generations, and they remain deeply embedded in the subconscious. As a result, some women who are physically capable of reaching orgasm unconsciously prevent themselves from doing so because they fear appearing unattractive, inappropriate or immoral in the eyes of their partner.
Sex therapist Geula Feldman describes this phenomenon in her book Sex-o-logia:
"Many women with pre-orgasmia have told me that just as they feel an orgasm approaching, they stop themselves and their pleasure immediately declines. When I ask them to describe what their orgasm looks or sounds like, they say things like, 'I grunt like a pig,' 'I moo like a cow,' or 'My body jerks uncontrollably.' These descriptions reveal a deep rejection of their own orgasm."
Breaking free from these patterns requires deep work to change habitual ways of thinking, along with learning to focus on bodily sensations during sex instead of obsessing over imagined judgments or consequences.
The unpleasant orgasm
We also know that our control over orgasm is only partial.
Sometimes it is voluntary. You consciously pursue it, using the kinds of sexual stimulation you know can bring you to climax. At other times, however, orgasm is involuntary, functioning more like a reflex. The body reaches release while the mind or emotions remain detached.
The same partial disconnect can occur with vaginal lubrication.
I can feel sexually aroused and become physically lubricated by content or experiences that do not arouse me psychologically, or that I might even find unpleasant or embarrassing under normal circumstances.
Conversely, I can feel intensely aroused while my vulva remains completely dry. Hormonal changes, psychoactive substances such as marijuana and alcohol, or the symptoms of menopause can all contribute to this disconnect.
Shortly after breaking up with my first boyfriend, I experienced my first involuntary orgasm.
My mind seemed to separate from my body, observing it from above.
Having only ever been with one man, I was curious to explore my sexuality with others. One of the people I met was a male friend who worked in a sex shop. He was an extremely sexual person who liked to boast that he was a "master of pleasure."
"I'm amazing in bed," he would say repeatedly.
Naturally, I became curious.
We slept together only once because I wanted to find out what made him so extraordinary.
I did orgasm.
My body trembled, twisted and contracted.
But I wasn't really there.
For the first time in my life, I experienced a strange split between body and mind. While my body moaned, writhed and shook, my consciousness stood at a distance like a silent spectator in a theater balcony, watching a performance in which it played no part.
The experience felt technical, cold and devoid of intimacy. It was living proof that a body can respond with pleasure even while the mind disconnects.
I still remember the way his gaze barely lingered on me. Throughout the encounter, I felt detached from him, despite the fact that he was a friend rather than a stranger I had just met in a bar.
There was no mutual longing. No dance between two bodies yearning to become one.
That experience taught me that I am not someone who enjoys casual sexual encounters.
I need eye contact.
I need breathing that syncs with my own.
I need intimacy built on tenderness, attentiveness and presence.
I long for pleasure in which body and mind remain united, for eyes that truly see me and for a genuine sense of connection.
That memory illustrates yet another manifestation of the female orgasm.
It may emerge from deep intimacy, appear unexpectedly in a solitary body or erupt with overwhelming force. Just as often, it fades away as though it had never existed.
There is no single, correct form of orgasm.
It is neither "right" nor "wrong," neither "immature" nor "complete."
Most often it results from direct clitoral stimulation, but because its true source is the brain, it can also be triggered through stimulation of other parts of the body — or, in some cases, by imagination alone.
If there is one lesson to take away, it is this: orgasm is not a test to pass, a performance to perfect or a reward someone else gives us. It is a deeply personal experience, one that varies from woman to woman and even from one moment in the same woman's life to the next.
The chapter is excerpted from Lori Stadtmauer’s book 'Coming to Good', published by Yedioth Books.