Alongside thoughts about what we have achieved, other thoughts sometimes arise — ones we do not always talk about: the things that mattered to us but never happened; the conversation we never had, the opportunity we did not take, the career path we did not dare pursue or the personal relationship we failed to nurture.
Most things that did not turn out as we had hoped fade with time, and we move on. But some things refuse to let go, returning again and again in the form of that persistent thought: “If only...” This thought lies at the heart of the painful sense of having missed out.
What does it mean to feel you missed out?
Regret, disappointment and a sense of missed opportunity are three unpleasant and closely related feelings, but they are not the same. Regret arises when we look at what we did or did not do and think we could have chosen differently. Disappointment, by contrast, is connected to the gap between what we hoped or expected would happen and what actually happened. A sense of missed opportunity is tied to a desired possibility that never came to pass.
It can involve something small, such as an event we did not attend, or something more significant, such as a career path we did not pursue, a romantic relationship we did not give enough of a chance or a talent we possessed but did not give enough room to develop in our lives.
The sense of missed opportunity discussed here arises when the unrealized possibility remains meaningful to us and sometimes continues to stay with us long after the moment itself has passed.
At the root of this feeling is our ability to imagine a reality that never existed. In psychology, this is known as “counterfactual thinking.” Alongside what actually happened, we construct an alternative scenario in our minds: “If only I had chosen differently,” “If only I had dared,” “If only we had talked back then.”
When we experience a sense of missed opportunity, we do not experience only what happened. We also compare it with what could have happened. The more meaningful the alternative appears, the stronger, more painful and more persistent the feeling may become.
Sometimes we imagine not only a different event, but also a different version of ourselves. Psychology calls this the “possible self”: the person we could have been or hoped to become. When a sense of missed opportunity becomes tied to that image, it can be especially persistent.
Prof. Liat KulikPhoto: Ilanit KitzoniThe missed opportunities that stay with us
There are things we once wanted to pursue that suited the people we were at the time, but because we have changed, they matter less to us now. As a result, the sense of having missed out on them weakens.
Other missed opportunities, however, touch on needs that are still alive within us. Someone who feels they missed the opportunity to express creativity at work may still need a creative outlet. Someone who feels they missed out on closeness may be expressing an ongoing need for attentiveness, intimacy or touch.
The intensity of the feeling, therefore, is determined not only by the magnitude of the event, but also by the meaning we attach to the unrealized possibility and how important it remains to us today.
A romantic relationship, for example, is a central area of life that carries many expectations. We expect a relationship to provide love, closeness, security, support, sexual fulfillment, friendship, partnership, recognition, personal growth and enjoyable shared experiences. Precisely because relationships carry so many expectations, they can be fertile ground for a sense of missed opportunity. A relationship can be good in many ways and still leave areas in which something important was never realized.
The strongest sense of missed opportunity was found in the emotional and sexual sphere, while the weakest was in appreciation and recognition. People can build a home and family together and support each other for years, yet still feel that some of the romantic or emotional potential of their relationship was never realized.
In a recent study I conducted among 140 women and men ages 60 to 85, I examined the sense of missed opportunity within romantic relationships. The study identified four main areas in which participants felt they had missed out: romance, emotional connection and sexuality; security, support and personal growth through the relationship; leisure and enjoyable shared experiences; and appreciation and recognition from a partner.
About 25% of participants reported no sense of missed opportunity at all. About 37% reported a low level, while roughly 38% reported a moderate to high level. The strongest sense of missed opportunity was found in the emotional and sexual sphere, while the weakest was in appreciation and recognition.
People can build a home and family together and support each other for years, yet still feel that some of the romantic or emotional potential of their relationship was never realized.
There were no significant overall differences between women and men in the degree to which they felt they had missed out. Differences did emerge, however, in certain more specific areas. Women expressed a greater sense of missed opportunity regarding being listened to by their partners and communication with them, while among men, feelings of missed opportunity related to sexuality and love were more prominent.
The study also found that people who reported a strong sense of missed opportunity in one area tended to report it in other areas as well. It may be that a significant unmet need colors other aspects of the relationship experience.
Living with 'if only'
The difficulty begins when the experience of “the possible lives we did not live” — which lies at the core of this sense of missed opportunity — begins to take over the life we are living now.
In the study, we found that the stronger the sense of missed opportunity within a relationship, the less likely people were to express gestures of affection and love in everyday life. In that sense, the past can continue to color the present.
No significant overall differences were found between women and men
(Photo: Shutterstock/Volodymyr TVERDOKHLIB)
But a sense of missed opportunity does not have to be only painful. Sometimes it contains important information about the needs, values and wishes that remain alive within us. In that sense, it can serve as a kind of personal compass, moving us forward and guiding us toward better places.
Instead of asking only, “How do I get rid of this painful feeling of having missed out?” we can ask, “What is it telling me about what still matters to me, and where do I want to go from here?”
A missed opportunity can also be an opportunity
Not every missed opportunity can be reclaimed. Some doors have closed, some moments have passed and some people are no longer in our lives. But even when we cannot change the past, we can examine whether the need behind that sense of missed opportunity can still be fulfilled in another way.
Someone who feels they missed the opportunity to express their creativity may be able to make room for it now, in a different setting and through means that were not available in the past. Someone who feels they missed out on closeness in a relationship can, when possible, try to create more attentive communication, physical contact and shared experiences.
We cannot always recover what was lost, but sometimes we can find a new way to meet an old need.
Allowing a sense of missed opportunity to serve as a compass
(Photo: Shutterstock/Sergey Neanderthalec)
And this may be a particularly fitting question at the start of a new year: not only, “What did I miss out on this year?” but “What do my missed opportunities tell me about myself and about what still matters to me?”
Some missed opportunities are best left behind, with the door closed on them. Others are worth listening to — not so that we can return to the past and live there, but so we can allow them to serve as a compass.
A compass cannot return us to the road we did not take, but it can point us toward the direction we should take from here. And if we listen carefully, we may discover that within the feeling of having missed out lies not only evidence of what never was, but also an invitation to what may still be possible.
The author is dean of the School of Behavioral Sciences at Netanya Academic College