“Most couples come to therapy with a stated problem, such as negative communication, trust issues or a relationship that has worn down, and ask for tools to cope and resolve the conflict. But in most cases, behind and alongside the stated difficulty lies the need to be seen, to have our pain acknowledged and to feel appreciated and loved.
“The relationship we long for so deeply touches our deepest wounds: the fear of rejection, the need for recognition and the longing for unconditional love. Our journey as a couple is about receiving appreciation, recognition and a sense of being seen within the relationship,” says Dr. Ronit Sharon, 57, director of the Ksharim Institute for Couples Therapy and a lecturer at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. Over the past two decades, Sharon has developed the FIT method for couples — Focused Integrative Therapy, a time-limited approach for couples experiencing crisis and change.
Sharon recently published a book offering a glimpse inside the couples therapy room. In it, she recounts the stories of 10 couples who sought therapy over issues including infidelity, relationship burnout, money, sexuality, declining desire, raising children and negative communication.
“The cases are based on hundreds of cases I have worked with, though the specific details have of course been fictionalized and obscured,” Sharon explains.
In our conversation marking the book’s publication, she shares that she, too, has experienced difficulties in her marriage, despite being married to the same man for 30 years and raising four children.
“Especially when the children were young,” she admits. “A relationship can never be taken for granted. You always have to keep working on it and investing in it.”
What made you decide to write a book about therapy now?
“Over more than 25 years of treating couples, I came to understand that a relationship is one of the most significant projects in a person’s life — and sometimes one of the most challenging and complex. The absurd thing is that no one teaches us how to build, nurture and preserve one of the most important relationships in our lives. Not in school, not at university and not in any mandatory course on life.
Relationships. The absurd thing is that no one teaches us how to build, nurture and preserve one of the most important relationships in our lives
(Photo: shutterstock)
“So when a relationship begins to crack or is forced to confront life’s challenges, many of us are left feeling lonely, empty, helpless and like failures. Often, we simply do not know how to manage conflict or cope with the different stages of a relationship, life crises and routine. That can lead to emotional disconnection, separation and even divorce.
“I realized that a good relationship does not rest on love alone. It requires learning, awareness, maintenance and tools for managing conflict and fostering constructive communication. I believe the knowledge accumulated over years in the therapy room cannot remain there. It has to leave the therapy room and become accessible even to couples who will never seek therapy.
“I wanted to open the door to the couples therapy room for readers and allow them to glimpse the process couples go through — to see the pain, understand the sources of difficulty and understand the inner child that drives us, because we all have one. I wanted them to learn to recognize the patterns that drive us and what is known as the ‘couples cycle,’ and to gain knowledge and tools for managing conflict. Above all, I wanted them to discover that things can be different. The book was written out of the belief that knowledge capable of saving a relationship should not remain within the four walls of the therapy room. It should be accessible to anyone seeking to build a better, more stable and healthier relationship.”
Dr. Sharon: “The absurd thing is that no one teaches us how to build, nurture and preserve one of the most important relationships in our lives. Not in school, not at university and not in any mandatory course on life.”
What has surprised you most over your years as a couples therapist?
“The realization that although every couple is unique and people come to therapy at different ages, from their 20s to their 80s, and at different stages of life, ultimately most conflicts revolve around the same recurring issues: relationship burnout, declining desire, infidelity, money, children, families of origin, differences in personal development and, of course, negative communication. Negative communication accompanies most conflicts to a large extent and often becomes the central issue in the couple’s conflict.”
Ultimately, most conflicts revolve around the same recurring issues: relationship burnout, declining desire, infidelity, money and children
(Photo: shutterstock)
What is the most common mistake you see among couples who come to you?
“Many people who come to couples therapy are absolutely convinced that they are right and their partner is wrong. That in itself is a mistake, and a critical one, because once we are governed by that way of thinking, it becomes almost impossible to empathize with our partner’s pain or reach a resolution to the conflict.”
Are there couples you know from the very first session are probably going to separate? And if so, what do you tell them?
“Certainly. Especially when there is clearly hurtful and toxic communication. That said, in most cases, except in situations involving violence, I will not give them my opinion in the first session. In the early stages, I keep my therapeutic hypotheses to myself. Only after I have established a relationship and trust with them, and thoroughly examined the nature of their communication and patterns of harmful behavior, will I give my opinion. In some cases, I will also recommend separation.”
Dr. Sharon: “In most cases, I will not give them my opinion in the first session, and in the early stages I keep my therapeutic hypotheses to myself. Only after I have established a relationship and trust with them, and thoroughly examined the nature of their communication and patterns of harmful behavior, will I give my opinion. In some cases, I will also recommend separation.”
One chapter of the book deals with the relationship between Osher and David, an engaged couple who represent a trend of young couples seeking therapy even before formally committing to marriage. But Osher and David are not in a healthy relationship, something that becomes apparent as soon as they sit down on the therapist’s couch. David immediately accuses Osher of being “easily influenced,” then accuses her of being wasteful with money.
“In Osher and David’s case, alarm bells went off for me during the very first session,” Sharon admits. “But I knew that if I told Osher what I thought at that early stage of therapy, she would never come back. So I waited several sessions, and only then helped her reach the decision to leave.”
I wonder what allows a couple to succeed in therapy and when separation becomes inevitable.
“We are formed through relationships, wounded by relationships and can also heal within a relationship,” Sharon says. “Although we generally recreate attachment styles we internalized in childhood, within a relationship we can change our attachment style and have a corrective experience of secure, growth-promoting attachment. I have also learned that there is no single formula for a healthy relationship. Some couples save their relationship and rediscover depth within it, some discover that separating is the right path for them and some are somewhere in between.”
A couple in love. There is no single formula for a healthy relationship
(Photo: Shutterstock)
In between?
“They have doubts, they try, make mistakes and come back. But something that recurs in almost every therapy process is that when a relationship is not cared for and invested in, and when partners do not truly look each other in the eye and speak openly about pain, emotions and hopes, the relationship becomes empty and worn down. It can deteriorate to the point where bridging the gap between the partners becomes extremely difficult.
“In therapy, we help the two ‘adult children’ gain a deeper understanding of the patterns that help them move forward and those that hold them back, learn to take responsibility and manage situations in a way that supports their growth and development.”
'Sorry, I don’t feel like having sex'
In a chapter about Vered and Tal’s relationship, Sharon describes what happens when desire disappears. In the therapy room, Vered says: “We’re a good team, but that’s what we’ve become — a team of workers running the household. I don’t feel like sleeping with him. Sorry, I don’t feel like having sex.”
Sharon explains that this is one of the most common issues she encounters in her practice.
“It is important to understand that the nature of desire changes over the years, and it certainly is not the initial desire that characterizes the falling-in-love stage. Having children, building a career, settling into routine, biological and hormonal factors, menopause in women, stress, overload, depression, anxiety and emotional distance in the relationship — all of these can lead to declining desire.
“Many women say in therapy that they need to feel secure and have a strong friendship with their partner before they can even think about having sex, let alone enjoy it. That is why a deep emotional connection, romance, courtship and kind words are so important. They can also lead to deeper and more satisfying sexual fulfillment.”
A man experiencing low sexual desire. Our desire will never return to what it once was
(Photo: shutterstock)
“Women often have a greater need for foreplay and more prolonged sexual stimulation in order to achieve sexual satisfaction. By contrast, some men say that for them, conflict and communication difficulties are not obstacles to having sex. The good news is that although desire changes in nature, values such as friendship, commitment and communication can still lead to strong desire and a good, satisfying sex life.”
Another common issue in the couples therapy room that you discuss in the book is infidelity. Is it really possible to rebuild trust after an affair, and what has to happen for that to be possible?
“When an affair is discovered, reactions vary from person to person. Some people know they are being cheated on but choose not to react at all. Others confront the unfaithful partner and demand that they leave the home immediately. And some try to repair the relationship.
“In the book, I wrote about Alon, who cheated on Ella, because there was one very powerful sentence. Ella said, ‘I know the affair will always remain part of our history, but we decided that we are moving forward.’
“Of course, not every couple that has experienced infidelity succeeds in rebuilding the relationship. But it is important to remember that if you decide to try, working through it in therapy layer by layer is critical: not denying the affair, processing it, understanding its roots, discussing the process of asking for forgiveness and the unfaithful partner taking responsibility, as well as the betrayed partner’s decision to forgive, then making a decision about the couple’s future together.”
Infidelity during military reserve duty. Not every couple that experiences infidelity succeeds in rebuilding the relationship
(AI-generated image)
“It is important to remember that after an affair is discovered, the relationship will never return to what it was. It will always be different. Ella and Alon, for example, remained together, and they are still picking up the pieces and trying to glue their vase back together.”
Is love alone enough to sustain a relationship?
“Love is a big word, and we need to distinguish between falling in love and love. To me, love is based on the four foundations of a relationship: friendship, desire, commitment and communication. These four foundations interact with, support and nourish one another, while their balance and intensity change over the years. So clearly, love alone cannot sustain a relationship over time.”
If you could give couples one piece of advice that would improve their relationship as soon as tomorrow morning, what would it be?
“Never take your relationship for granted at any stage of life, during the enjoyable periods or the difficult and complicated ones. Invest in the friendship, listen to each other’s pain, show appreciation, treat each other with respect, develop shared interests and remember to make room both for the individual voice and the voice of the couple.”
Finally, after meeting so many couples during the most intimate and difficult moments of their lives, what do you know about love now that you did not know before you began treating couples?
“There is something primal, deep and fundamental about the bond between partners. Love for a partner is a basic human need, and despite all the changes the modern era brings, the need to connect, to lean on someone and to be with someone who sees us, understands us and loves us remains unchanged. And it always will.”