I recently met a single man who said something I haven't been able to get out of my head: "I think I've already been on 400 dates."
Can you believe that? Four hundred romantic dates. Just think about that number for a moment. Four hundred times getting dressed, getting ready, showing up, smiling, telling someone where you grew up and what you do for a living. Trying to be funny. Hoping for something. Checking your phone the next day. And roughly 400 times discovering that this wasn't "the one."
We talk a lot to single men and women about relationships, but hardly ever about marketing. And that's a shame. Because it's time to say something that might not sound particularly romantic, but needs to be said: When we go on dates, we're also marketing ourselves.
Not in a fake way. Not by "selling" a personality we don't have or turning human beings into boxes of cereal. Good marketing is about helping the person sitting across from you recognize the value you have to offer.
And this is where the problem begins. Because how can you market a product you no longer believe in yourself? And the "product," for anyone who's still offended by the comparison, is you.
After 100, 200 or perhaps 400 rejections, something far more dangerous than being single can happen: A person begins to internalize the rejection. They start genuinely believing that they themselves, their personality, their very essence, are somehow not good enough. That they're worth less.
And that's sad. And frustrating. Above all, it's one of the most painful feelings in the world.
At first, someone tells you, "You're wonderful, but..." Then it's, "I just didn't feel a connection." And after hearing it enough times, you start finishing the sentence yourself: "I guess there's just nothing about me worth feeling a connection to."
Then comes the next date. You're sitting in a cafe, but part of you has already arrived feeling defeated. You're less present. Less willing to take chances. Less enthusiastic when talking about yourself. Less flirtatious. More focused on whether she's about to reject you. Or, if you're a woman, you're more preoccupied with figuring out whether he's already lost interest.
Suddenly, the date is no longer a meeting between two people. It's an admissions test.
Researchers are well acquainted with the concept of self-efficacy, the belief in one's ability to succeed. Research in the field of sales has found that sales-related self-efficacy predicts actual performance. In other words, believing "I can do this" isn't just some psychological embellishment. It's connected to how we actually perform.
Go on dates believing in your own abilities. A successful date
(Photo: Shutterstock)
We see something similar in romantic relationships. A meta-analysis of 60 studies involving nearly 17,000 participants found that greater sensitivity to rejection was associated with less intimacy and relationship satisfaction, along with more anxiety, conflict and self-silencing. So what can we do?
1. Stop using dates to measure your self-worth
If she said "no," she wasn't judging your worth as a person. She was saying just one thing: "I don't want this relationship."
So don't turn one person's decision into an annual report on your worth.
Remember, just because someone rejected you doesn't mean you're somehow inferior or that they've found someone better or more valuable.
In most cases, that other person is probably simply easier for them to handle. Or, to put it another way, sometimes it's easier to drive a 1988 Subaru than a Maserati.
2. Before marketing yourself, rebuild your belief in the product
Sit down and write out the reasons someone would want to be with you.
Seriously. Just do it.
Write down 10 answers. What do I bring to a relationship? What kind of friend am I? How do I show love? What's funny about me? What depth do I have? What kind of family could someone build with me?
If you don't know how to answer those questions, that's what you need to work on right now.
Not another date. Not another evening out. Not more of the same.
Just start rebuilding your emotional resilience.
3. Go on a date to show who you are, not to beg to be chosen
What's the difference? It's night and day.
Someone who's begging to be chosen spends the entire evening asking, "Am I good enough for you?"
Someone with emotional resilience, on the other hand, says, "This is who I am. This is what I have to offer. Now let's see whether we're right for each other."
A resilient person doesn't simply put themselves on display like a product on a store shelf, waiting to be bought. They also ask questions and evaluate the other person.
And this may be the most important shift people looking for a relationship need to make.
Because after being rejected enough times, the goal is no longer just to find someone who will say "yes" to you. The first step is learning to say "yes" to yourself.
After all, it's extremely difficult to convince someone else that you're worth getting to know when, deep down, you're no longer entirely convinced of it yourself.
So before your next date, stop everything for a moment. Rethink your approach and make a real date with yourself first.
Try looking at yourself with greater compassion and self-love.
Sometimes the change you really need is much simpler and closer to home than you imagine.
Avinoam Hersh is an educator and hosts an education segment on Kan Moreshet, an Israeli public radio station. He works in coaching and mental resilience, founded the "Merimim et Hashamayim" ("Lifting the Skies") community for people seeking relationships and formerly served as content editor at Yashfe, an Israeli nonprofit organization.