Rachel Tolub (55), a psychotherapist and certified sex therapist. Married, mother of six and grandmother of 13. Lives in Ra’anana.
Hi Rachel. Let’s talk about what happens when the phone enters the bedroom.
“The phone brings work, friends and the entire outside world into the room. It changes the quality of our presence. Even if we are in the same room, even in the same bed, we’re no longer fully there. It creates a sense that even during a couple’s moment or an intimate moment, we still need to know what’s happening in the news, who texted us and what’s going on at work.
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The phone brings work, friends and the entire outside world into the room
(Photo: Shutterstock)
“The phone fills all the ‘empty moments’, but those are exactly the moments when very important things develop in a relationship. There is room there for imagination, reflection, quiet and what psychologists call ‘dreaming’. When every moment is filled by a screen, there’s no space for emotional development. That harms the quality of the relationship in general and sexual desire in particular.
“Today, you also can’t talk about phones without talking about AI. If I’ve had a difficult day with my boss and I share it with a chatbot, it will probably tell me, ‘Oh, poor you, that must be hard.’ A partner may not say exactly that. So the phone can become a comfortable place that prevents us from confronting frustration, difficulty or a less pleasant conversation.”
Why does all this hurt sexual desire specifically?
“The phone trains us to expect instant gratification. One more message, one more like, one more update, one more thing happening right now. But good sexuality requires the exact opposite. It needs sustained attention, quiet, imagination, patience and the ability to stay in the moment.
“Sexual desire is not built in a single second. It develops over time, through a look, tension and anticipation. Many couples come to therapy not because they don’t love each other, but because they lack a shared emotional and mental space. They work, come home, go into their screens, get tired and fall asleep. Sometimes only after a long time do they notice that something in their sexuality and relationship has worn down.”
Even though we know it causes harm, it’s hard to put the phone down.
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Rachel Tolub, a psychotherapist and certified sex therapist
(Photo: Personal collection)
“That’s true, because it gives us small, quick rewards and it’s somewhat like an addiction. Putting it aside requires effort and self-discipline. In the end, it’s a choice between short-term satisfaction and something more important in the long term. When we put the phone aside, we’re not only preventing damage to the relationship, we’re allowing ourselves to be more present in it.”
Do you have an example from the clinic of couples dealing with this?
“As a sex therapist, I sometimes give couples touch exercises, not necessarily involving sex. For example, one partner touches a specific area of the other person’s body and each focuses on their own sensations. Even in an exercise like that, which lasts 10 minutes, people can say it’s difficult because the phone is buzzing or because it’s still occupying their mind. Even when I tell them to silence the phone, they sometimes forget or continue thinking about it. It’s work that has to be done.”
What do you suggest couples do about phone use?
“You can set a rule that phones don’t come into bed, or even into the bedroom. If there is a need to stay available, you can leave the phone away from the bed, on silent, so it doesn’t become part of the couple’s space. That doesn’t mean you have to throw the phone out of your life, but you do need to know when to put it aside to make room for a space for two.”
And what happens if only one partner wants change?
“That’s already a broader relationship question. If one person says, ‘It bothers me,’ and the other says, ‘I’m fine with it,’ you can’t solve it with a technical rule alone. You need to talk. Understand why it matters, what it does to the relationship and how the other person feels when the phone is there. You can try one evening without a phone and see what it changes. In the end, the key is communication.”
Sex Tip: “Sexual desire needs presence. The phone can wait.”