The shiva for Staff Sgt. Itay Chen, 19, was held by his parents, Ruby and Hagit, at the Chabad House in Netanya. Perhaps it was because they knew that thousands of Israelis would pass through during the week, and they needed a large, organized space. At the entrance, the family arranged the memories they had carried with them over the past two years: bracelets, pins, stickers, printed pages with special stories, T-shirts, caps — every item telling something about Itay, preserving a moment of his life.
Itay’s dog, Gucci, had a corner of his own. Like everyone else, he had crossed the country from end to end since that day, and now settled in for the week. Itay’s brothers, Roi and Alon, moved among the tables, shaking hands, embracing visitors and greeting the constant stream of people arriving to pay their respects. Amid it all, Ruby and Hagit, as they had done throughout the past two years, kept finding the strength to speak with everyone who walked through the door, honoring each person who chose to come.
“We received so many gestures this week,” said Hagit. “We felt an outpouring of love, even through food — and when someone brings me food, I start to cry. It moves me deeply that people think of me like that, because I haven’t stepped into a kitchen in two years. Many people know Itay’s cookie recipe and brought them to the shiva. They pay attention to the small things, and that touches me. Residents from Nahal Oz and Kibbutz Kfar Aza also came, people who heard about the bravery of Itay’s tank crew, ‘Team Peretz,’ and wanted to thank us for saving their lives. The Baram family, whose son Neta fell in battle in Nahal Oz, brought a LEGO lion they had given him before October 7. That moved me.”
Two ministers attended Itay’s funeral — Ofir Sofer and Nir Barkat. Ruby Chen, father of the fallen soldier from the IDF’s 77th Armored Battalion, chose to speak directly to Sofer. “Of all the government ministers, you best represent the Jewish values we were raised on,” Ruby said, revealing his deep frustration. “I ask you — when your fellow ministers forget the true values of Judaism, when you see those who chase the three K’s — kavod (honor) instead of humility, koach (power) instead of helping others, kesef (money) and shady dealings instead of ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’ — bring them here. We’ll walk together in this sacred place, visit Assaf Hamami and the other heroes, and either knock some sense into them or throw them the hell out.”
In the end, Ruby says, it was the people — not the government — who brought Itay home, and who stood by the family through the funeral and shiva. “The people are also the ones who will bring back the remaining hostages,” he said. “During the shiva, we also learned just how important Itay was to others in his life. I was surprised by how many people I’d never met came. We heard so many stories from his friends about his determination and how much he loved the army.”
Since that cursed Saturday in October 2023, Ruby and Hagit never stopped fighting for Itay’s return — even after it was confirmed in March 2024 that he had been killed in battle. They refused to hold a funeral or sit shiva until he was brought home. They took their struggle to the United Nations and even to the White House, urging President Donald Trump to insist that Israel repatriate not only living hostages but also the bodies of the fallen — especially those with U.S. citizenship, like Itay. “Early on, I realized that the United States was the story,” Ruby said, beginning to explain the remarks he made at the funeral.
“I come from the business world,” he said, explaining that he drew on the strategies and techniques from his career to guide their efforts. “I worked in strategic roles at large companies. From October 7 onward, I felt like a kind of manager. In the midst of this terrible disaster, everyone found their own role, but I understood that mine was to organize — to lead as if it were a kind of operation.”
Since the hostages’ families in Israel were being represented by a strong task force, Ruby said, “I understood the U.S. was my arena. Even during the Biden administration, connections were forming. It was very difficult at first to open doors in Washington, so we hired a local lobbying firm and gathered the American families. Together we had more influence than alone, and without that, the door wouldn’t have opened the way it did.”
Soon after October 7, Ruby and other families were already at the White House. Over time, their ties with the Biden administration deepened — and after Donald Trump’s election victory in November 2024, those connections expanded to include close ties with Trump’s envoy, Steve Witkoff. Their mission was eventually accomplished: Trump began repeatedly emphasizing the importance of returning fallen hostages for burial in Israel, and they were ultimately included in the agreement that ended the war.
In Israel, however, as time passed, a rift grew between many of the hostages’ families and the government, which often did not share their sense of urgency to bring the captives home above all else. That gap — between the support the families received in the U.S. and the treatment they got in Israel — was, at times, unbearable. It was from this deep frustration that the now-viral phrase emerged: “We’ll knock some sense into you, or throw you the hell out.”
Ruby explains: “The intention was first and foremost about values, especially in the public discourse. Elected officials don’t understand that what was expected of them after October 7 is entirely different from what came before. It wasn’t acceptable then, and now it’s completely unacceptable. Based on how they speak, some of them shouldn’t be in office at all.”
According to Ruby, it starts with the rhetoric and continues with the moral compass of these public figures. “This war must change the course of this country — how we talk to one another and how decisions are made. The three K’s that dominate now — money (kesef), power (koach) and honor (kavod) — are unacceptable. They’d do better to remember Jabotinsky’s five M’s,” he said. “Let them go to the military cemetery in Kiryat Shaul, Mount Herzl or any other cemetery across this country filled with heroes. Look at them. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. They should still be alive.”
In closed conversations with ministers, Ruby said he expressed his deep disappointment that Israel had returned to the mindset of October 6, 2023. “I told them that Jewish and Israeli history is at a crossroads — and we must set the foundations right. Saying that in a small forum makes it more powerful, I think. And if the leaders don’t wake up, then the people will. Throughout Itay’s shiva, I’ve been hearing a clear voice from the people of Israel — demanding something different.”
“When the war began,” Ruby continues, “we thought it would be a war of unity. That everyone would march together. But the prime minister couldn’t put the divisions aside and understand the magnitude of what had happened. Too often, he let politics override decisions that should’ve been made for the good of Israel. The Hostages’ Families Forum, which had one purpose — to save the hostages — was turned into a political issue. There are some very bad people, and I hope that when they meet their Maker one day, He will hold them accountable for turning the hostages into a divisive issue.”
“We heard what Idan Amedi said — and we feel the same,” he added. “We’ve lost faith in the government and in the state’s willingness to truly bring the hostages home. If they really wanted to, Gadi Eisenkot wouldn’t have had to persuade the government to make their return an official war objective. This is tied to what happened before October 7 — when Hamas saw our internal division as a sign of weakness. That was one of the things that led them to attack. We cannot go back to that toxic discourse.”
Ruby added that after they were told Itay’s body would be returned, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu called. “I told him I believe there must be a state commission of inquiry,” Ruby said. “He replied that it requires ‘broad public consensus.’ I believe there already is. Dodging a commission is just an attempt to deny 2,000 families and tens of thousands of wounded their right — and the right of the entire nation — to answers.”
“There was no victory,” Ruby stated flatly. “True recovery can only begin when the system takes responsibility and makes it absolutely clear where the blame lies. Everyone must be investigated — starting with the military leadership, then the political echelon.”
Throughout the fight to bring her son home, Hagit said, she was “Itay’s mom, full throttle” — and that left little room to be a mother to his brothers, Roi and Alon. “It weighs heavily on me,” she admitted. “I’m a very hands-on mother. I always knew exactly what homework they had, what their schedules were, where they were. But I didn’t have the headspace for that. Even when I was sitting still, even if I wasn’t doing something specific, my mind was always racing — what else can I do to bring Itay back? Who can I write to? What else can we try? Even in the middle of the night, I’d wake up and jot down ideas.”
During Itay’s shiva, she said, she hadn’t yet had time to process. “After the shiva, our schedule will look different,” she said, vowing, “Part of it will be helping other families of the fallen. Ruby and I will stay until the last hostage is returned. We won’t abandon the fight, but now it’s the families who will decide what helps, not us.”
Another focus for her and Ruby will be, in her words, “finding those responsible.” She is angry: “It can’t be that two years and a month later, I still don’t have a real, honest answer to why October 7 happened — or why, on top of that, it took 760 days to get Itay back. It shouldn’t have been that complicated. There are 42 families whose loved one was alive when taken — and came back in a coffin. Who will answer for that? They should not have come back that way.”
Throughout the ordeal, Hagit hardly allowed herself to cry in public. She held onto hope. “In March 2024, when they told us Itay hadn’t survived, I understood that for the state, the matter was final, but I refused to accept the information,” she explained. “I couldn’t believe they’d declare Itay dead based solely on intelligence. And if that intelligence was so good, where was it on October 7? They hadn’t found anything — no bloodied clothing, no body part essential for survival. So I questioned the credibility of the intel, and I let myself keep functioning.”
“That’s why we decided not to sit shiva,” she added. “We didn’t even have to discuss it — just looked at each other and said, ‘Not happening.’ Looking back, we got the strongest affirmation from Leah Goldin, who told us that if she had known then what she knows now, she would have made the same decision.”
For Hagit, “The most important thing was to bring Itay home, no matter the condition, because there’s no way my child, even if not alive, would be left in some pit in Gaza. No way. Until the day I died, until my last breath, that would’ve been my life’s mission. Because my son didn’t deserve that. No soldier who was sent to battle, saved lives, and killed terrorists deserves to be left like that by his country.”