These are days full of anticipation, tension and anxiety. Days of helplessness and uncertainty mixed with slivers of hope that remind me of my last days of captivity there, on the other side of the border, in Gaza.
I remember how in the dark we were. We hoped we would be the priority of the government but at the same time I heard leaders declare that first Hamas must be defeated. I prayed that soldiers would not lose their lives searching for us. I feared the military operations, the mishaps in heroic extraction attempts and so hoped for a cease-fire. But I wondered if we would all be returned home safely.
We heard from our captors that the release of hostages would be in phases. I was making calculations in my head. My gut was in knots. I did not know if anyone was aware of our situation and wondered who would be chosen to be released first and what would happen to those who were left behind.
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Hostages delivered to the Red Cross during the 2023 exchange
( Photo: Mohammed Abed / AFP)
We were 10 souls in one room from the age of 2 to 85. We had all had the ground pulled away from under our feet on Oct. 7. We all lost our freedom and parts of ourselves. We all expected to die, on that day. Each one of us had a story of the abduction and captivity.
I wondered who was determining our fate? Who would decide which one of us would be free and when? Were they the same people responsible for our abduction? And who, if anyone, was waiting for us in Israel? Who survived the horrors? Would dad wait for us? Would mom have a home to return to or would she move in with me? Those thoughts continued. By chance, some would say the grace of God, we were given our lives back in the first phase of that deal.
Red Cross delivers released hostages in 2023 deal
In one moment, we were in a Red Cross vehicle driving through Khan Younis, exposed to threats outside, wondering if our release would be foiled. And the next, in such extreme contrast we crossed the Rafah border and were surrounded by people in uniform and medical care givers, watching Israelis lining the streets, waving flags as we made our way to the Hatzerim air base.
There at the base, suddenly three Rubik's Cubes appeared for Ohad, officers smiled as they lead us along. I ask them where they were all hiding on Oct. 7? The question made them uneasy and was left unanswered.
Our journey ended on a helicopter ride to the Beilinson hospital. There the joy was boundless, a high, crazy and confused, a gratitude for the reality we found ourselves in. We were reunited with family and friends and covered in love. The support and help we received was beyond anything I could imagine and a complete contrast to that awful day of our abduction when we were left alone and defenseless with no army, no country to save us.
But we could not find calm. We were overcome by worry for dad and all those that were left behind in the hospital in Khan Younis. We shared in the concern of the families of those who were not freed.
We brought with us valuable information, sometimes the first sign of life and our demand and expectation that our leaders would see the deal through and return the hostages home. Now, 15 months after the Oct. 7 massacre, it has become clear that continuing the war has killed more hostages that were saved. Without precise intelligence on their locations, we lost my beloved father forever.
Now I am on the other side of the border and from my home, I hear that a deal has been signed, hoping that no one will back out. I feel how fragile the deal is and fear that something would go wrong. I try to disconnect myself from the media frenzy, the television studios and the different opinions. I pray that no official says something superfluous and that ministers and lawmakers hold their tongues.

Instead of vying for votes, they should take responsibility for their continued desertion and the ongoing failures, support the families and return all of the hostages, the live ones and the dead. My fingers are crossed, as I repeat the names of the hostages and think of their families, those on the list and those not named.
I am terrified that not all the hostages are spoken of. I don't understand how the lessons from the first hostage release deal were not learned and how there was no demand in the agreement to bring all of them back.
I cannot find peace. The tension, anxiety and slivers of hope mix with joy and a huge concern and a profound sadness and even envy. Who will return alive? In what condition? Who will be left behind?
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I am excited for those families who will embrace their loved ones who will come home in the next 42 days and hope for good news. But for now, I cannot forget the anticipation we had as we waited for Ehud Goldwasser and Eldad Regev, captured by Hezbollah, who returned dead and the crushing disappointment.
With all the joy that will follow the deal as it begins, we must not stop before all 98 hostages are back, the live ones for rehabilitation and the dead for burial. We must bring back justice and hope.
Keren Munder her son Ohad and her mother Ruth returned in the November 2023 hostage exchange. Her father Avraham was murdered in captivity and her brother Roy was murdered during the October 7 massacre.