Dear Yarden,
You won’t remember me from your shiva, since over 10,000 people turned out to comfort you in your mourning for Shiri, Ariel and Kfir, may their blood be avenged. I hugged you and told you: “There are no words.” That was the only message I could accept from those who came to our shiva.
I lost my wife and two of my daughters in a terror attack two years ago in the Jordan Valley. You survived 500 days of hell in Hamas’ terror tunnels, and emerged into a different hell when you discovered that your precious family had been destroyed. When it comes to trauma, one cannot compare, but perhaps there are some lessons that I have learned over the past two years that could help you now and in the hard months that lie ahead. They may also be helpful to other people who are struggling with grief or trauma.
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Rabbi Leo Dee with a photo of his wife and two daughters, who were killed in a terror attack in the Jordan Valley two years ago
(Photo: Alex Kolomoisky)
Firstly, you will no doubt be given tranquillizers and sleeping pills to get you through the first few weeks of grief, as I was. I found that I couldn’t breathe without them. But after six weeks I realized that they were hampering my recovery, so I quickly sought out an acupuncturist. After one or two sessions I quit all the tablets and managed to breathe and sleep without them. I recommend you try to do the same. At some point I believe that you need to feel the full pain in order to start climbing out of the pit of grief that you’re in.
Secondly, you, like me, may be set up to meet regularly with top psychologists. After 10 sessions, I quit. I quit because I found that I panicked before each session, cried throughout the session, and felt miserable for days after until the next session came around. My psychologist told me at the first meeting: “I have never seen anything like your trauma, there is nothing like it in the textbooks. Let’s learn together.” I discovered that psychology was not going to help me. Perhaps if I had a deep-seated anxiety caused by something in my youth it would help to talk to someone about it, to uncover the roots of my pain. But I knew what was causing my pain, and so do you. I didn’t need to discuss it every week with a stranger.
"When it comes to trauma, one cannot compare, but perhaps there are some lessons that I have learned over the past two years that could help you now and in the hard months that lie ahead. They may also be helpful to other people who are struggling with grief or trauma"
So, what did help me? Friends and family. I was fortunate that in my community of Efrat people knew what to do. I was appointed a secretary during the shiva; she took all my calls and arranged my time for weeks afterward, packing my days full of meetings with those who wished to talk, interview or involve me in their projects. That was a life-saver. You will probably not be able to organize your own life for weeks or months, or cope with your macabre “celebrity” status, so find someone to help you as soon as possible (perhaps one of your friends reading this can volunteer).
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"At some point I believe that you need to feel the full pain in order to start climbing out of the pit of grief that you’re in"
Other friends also jumped into action. They didn’t tell me: “Call when you need me.” They told me: “I’m coming around on Monday at 2 p.m. Every Monday at 2 p.m.” And they still are. After two years I have seven friends that I meet each week, for walking, learning and talking. That structure is invaluable. If you are a close friend of Yarden, please fix a weekly meeting with him from now onward. You will become his lifeline.
I recommend that you learn how to handle triggers. You will be surrounded by triggers. These are the things that remind you of what you once had and cause you to cry. In our situation, almost everything is a trigger. You enter your empty home (or was it destroyed by the terrorists?) and your wife is not there. If you have a lunch break at work when you would have reached for the phone to call Shiri, that moment each day becomes a trigger. You get to the end of the day when you might have picked up Ariel from gan (nursery school), and that moment is a trigger. You see a mother pushing a baby in a buggy, just like Kfir, and that’s a trigger too. Entering places where you went with the family, and even driving your car without the child seats in the back - all these become emotional triggers too.
"In our situation, almost everything is a trigger. You enter your empty home (or was it destroyed by the terrorists?) and your wife is not there. If you have a lunch break at work when you would have reached for the phone to call Shiri, that moment each day becomes a trigger"
How can we live with all these memories upsetting us all the time? It’s very hard. Here are a few lessons that I have learned. Firstly, change your routine from what it was before. If you can, quit your job and find something new. A new place, a new routine with fewer memories. Secondly, for situations that you can’t change, know that the first time you encounter them it will be hard. The second time will be less hard. By the third or fourth time it will not be as stressful. Be brave, it’s worth it.
Finally, know that Shiri, Ariel and Kfir are in a good place. They are sitting next to Hashem’s Throne of Glory, a level above every rabbi and tzaddik that ever lived and did not die Al Kiddush Hashem, or for the sanctification of God's name. They are smiling down on you and want you to be happy. In 100 years you will be reunited with them, and you will be able to confront Hashem and demand an explanation. But for now you, as I, must live with the knowledge that we are here to achieve something more.
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Use your time to keep their memory alive. At my shiva I felt a warm hug from 15 million Jews around the world. During your funeral and shiva, hundreds of millions of people from across the globe were embracing you. Cities were lit up in orange to symbolize your loss. You have been chosen to bring a message to all of mankind. Everything you do from now on will be dedicated to the memory of Shiri, Ariel and Kfir.
My blessing to you is that, in time, when you remember your dear wife and sons, it will not be with tears, but with a smile. You will smile because you will know that everything that you are achieving in your life is in their merit, and you will achieve a lot. There’s no explanation and there’s no justification for our tragedies, but you will find new meaning in your life and new hope for the future, and that will carry you through.
"In 100 years you will be reunited with them, and you will be able to confront Hashem and demand an explanation. But for now you, as I, must live with the knowledge that we are here to achieve something more"
One of the symbols of the Jewish people is an olive branch, and we are like olives, because when they crush us we become olive oil - something far more precious than we were before. May you be like an olive, and may the memory of Shiri, Ariel and Kfir live forever in the hearts of all good people around the world, and may your love for them be a blessing to us all. Amen.