A few years ago, in a single moment of inattention, I missed a stop sign. The sound of crumpling metal was terrifying, and I was badly shaken. The relief came only when I saw that no one had been hurt. Afterward, I sat on the curb and waited for a tow truck. I remember sitting there, frustrated and miserable to my core, simply firing bursts of abuse at myself: “You’re such a loser. What an idiot. How did you not notice? How does this keep happening to you?!”
Perhaps you, too, know a moment like that, when you “lost it,” shouted angrily at your children and, a few minutes later, sank into crushing guilt: “What kind of parent am I? Everyone else manages, and I’m the only one ruining everything.”
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Can we forgive ourselves as easily as we forgive others?
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As Yom Kippur approaches, we are all preoccupied with forgiveness, opening our hearts to others and repairing relationships. This year, perhaps we should also turn our gaze inward and ask whether we can forgive ourselves as readily as we forgive others. Can we treat ourselves with softness and gentleness even when we make mistakes?
It is important to make this clear: Self-compassion is not self-indulgence, and it is certainly not a “get-out-of-jail-free card” that allows us to mess up carelessly. Quite the opposite. Research shows that it is the stable emotional foundation that enables us to learn from our mistakes. When we stop beating ourselves up, it becomes easier to take genuine responsibility, apologize and make amends. At the end of the day, it is very difficult to open our hearts to others with love and patience when, toward ourselves, we run a harsh and merciless courtroom.
The crisis that opened the door
The person who made this field her life’s work is Kristin Neff, a psychology professor at the University of Texas at Austin. Neff did not come to the study of compassion from an academic ivory tower, but through a deep and painful personal crisis.
In the late 1990s, while completing her doctorate at Berkeley, Neff left her first husband during a difficult and turbulent divorce. She found herself alone, overwhelmed by intense feelings of shame, guilt and relentless self-criticism.
Give ourselves one drop of kindness
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In her search for inner calm, she joined a meditation group. There, for the first time in her life, she heard the instructor speak about a simple but revolutionary idea: Before spreading compassion and kindness to the whole world, perhaps we should first direct them toward ourselves.
The insight struck her powerfully: How is it that we practice so much at forgiving others, yet have not even a drop of grace for ourselves?
Neff turned that question into a scientific mission and became one of the first psychology researchers to define self-compassion and measure it using scientific tools.
What the research shows And how it is different from self-esteem
In one of her best-known studies, Neff compared two things that sound similar but in fact operate very differently: self-esteem, or confidence in oneself, and self-compassion.
The study showed that self-esteem is often like a “fair-weather friend” — it is there when we succeed, produce results and feel “above average.” The problem begins the moment we make a mistake or fail. Then confidence can collapse at once, giving way to feelings of inferiority, jealousy and self-criticism.
Confidence suddenly collapses and gives way to feelings of inferiority
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Put simply, self-esteem asks: “How good am I?” Self-compassion says: “Even when I fail, I am still worthy of kindness and understanding.”
By contrast, people who develop self-compassion enjoy greater emotional stability. They are less likely to sink into “rumination,” or endless thoughts about what happened, less likely to compare themselves with others or try to prove their worth in relation to others and, most importantly, are more likely to take responsibility for their mistakes, apologize and make amends — simply because failure does not threaten their basic worth as human beings.
The three components of self-compassion
Based on her research, Kristin Neff developed a model of self-compassion built around three elements that together create and reinforce it. This is not merely a theoretical model, but three practices that can, and should, be learned and practiced.
Being a good friend to myself — kindness instead of judgment
Notice the gap. If a close friend told you that he had yelled at his children or messed up at work, you would never say: “You’re a loser. I’m sick of you.” You would comfort him: “You had a stressful day. It happens to everyone. Your children love you, and you’ll make up later.”
Talk to ourselves like we would talk to a close friend
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If a friend spoke to us the way we speak to ourselves after a mistake, we would probably cut ties with that person. We cannot cut ties with ourselves. That is why the foundation of self-compassion is changing the way we speak internally: replacing the voice of the harsh judge with the voice of a good friend — loving, understanding and encouraging. Speak to myself the way a good friend speaks to me. Be my own good friend.
Shared humanity — we are all in the same boat
“To err is human” is not merely a cliché, but a fact of life. There is not a person in the world who does not mess up. In fact, there is almost a 100% chance that every one of us will make some kind of mistake this very week.
When we tell ourselves, “How could I of all people do something like that?!” we isolate ourselves from others and feel defective. Understanding that we are all human beings who sometimes make mistakes puts us back in the same boat as everyone else, instead of leaving us alone with our shame.
Mindfulness — balance in the face of the storm
Mindfulness is the ability to look at a situation as it truly is in the present moment, without magnifying the drama — “My life is ruined” — but also without ignoring it or sweeping it under the rug.
We can allow ourselves to stop, take a deep breath and say honestly: “Right now, I feel bad. I made a mistake, and it hurts and it’s upsetting.”
We meet what has happened with balance, without looking for someone to blame and without writing horror scripts about the future. It is a skill that can be learned and strengthened like a muscle, and it can help reduce guilt and shame while allowing us to act responsibly in a constructive and beneficial way.
What should you do the next time you mess up?
Suppose you sent an email with an embarrassing mistake to the entire office, failed at a task or lost your patience at home. Before the habit of self-punishment takes over, give yourself half a minute:
Stop for one deep breath (mindfulness)
Pause the rush for a moment. Do not react immediately out of panic. Take a breath and look at the situation as it is, at eye level, without horror scenarios. That allows you to act with balance rather than panic, with sound judgment and responsibility in a constructive way.
When we stop beating ourselves up, it's easier for us to take real responsibility.
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Remind yourself that this happens to everyone (shared humanity)
Tell yourself silently: “I’m not the first person this has happened to, and I won’t be the last. This is what real human life looks like.”
Ask the key question (self-kindness)
“What would I say right now to the person I love most in the world?” Then say those exact words to yourself.
After half a minute like that, when your pulse has slowed and your heart has opened, you can think calmly and with greater inner balance about how to move forward and take responsibility — whom to apologize to, what can be repaired and what can be learned for next time.
Yom Kippur invites us to stop, take stock of ourselves, ask forgiveness and forgive others. This year, do not leave yourself outside the circle.
If we truly want to show compassion to the world around us, it is worth beginning with the person looking back at us from the mirror.
The writer is head of Mindfulness at Maccabi Tivi (Natural).