For many people in relationships, a breakup can feel like nothing short of a disaster. The mere thought of leaving the home that became a shared life and returning once again to single status is deeply unsettling. They cannot even imagine having to reinstall the dreaded dating apps, go back to exhausting dates and repeatedly retell their life story to strangers who may not even follow up the next day.
They believed they had already passed that stage, that they had checked off “the one” and found the person they would continue with in happiness and prosperity. So why break up now?
But a new study spanning 13 years challenges one of the most deeply rooted assumptions about love in modern society: relationships matter, but not at any cost. For people in unstable or highly conflictual relationships, being single may in fact be preferable.
The study, led jointly by Prof. Elyakim Kislev of the Hebrew University of Jerusalem and Dr. Menelaos Apostolou of the University of Nicosia in Cyprus, was published in the 2026 edition of the journal Personality and Individual Differences. It is based on data from Germany’s Pairfam study, a large longitudinal project that followed the same participants over 13 years.
The participants were men and women drawn from a nationally representative sample of more than 12,000 individuals. The study began in 2008 and included three birth cohorts: 1971–1973, 1981–1983 and 1991–1993. At the outset, participants were in their late teens, late 20s and late 30s and over the course of the study they aged into their 20s, 30s and 40s. They completed repeated questionnaires measuring their psychological well-being, meaning they could be in a relationship at one stage and single at another. In other words, their relationship status changed over time, along with their emotional experience.
While baseline findings showed that participants’ well-being was significantly higher during periods in an intimate relationship compared with periods of being single, Apostolou and Kislev found that relationship quality is the decisive factor.
“What makes this study unique is that we have data from the same participants collected over several years, allowing us to see how their happiness changed as their relationship status changed,” Prof. Kislev explained. “The results show that relationship quality is the key factor in our emotional health. If a relationship is of low quality or even only moderate quality, life satisfaction and positive emotions are significantly lower than if the person had simply remained single.”
The study also found subtle gender differences in how relationship status is experienced. Singlehood was associated with more negative emotions among men than among women, although the difference was small. However, single women reported lower levels of perceived security compared with single men.
When asked which characteristics were most closely linked to higher well-being, Kislev said the study did not break relationship quality into components such as intimacy, communication, support or sexuality. Instead, it measured overall satisfaction with the relationship. “We cannot say which specific component mattered most,” he said. “What we can say is that feeling secure was one of the emotional measures examined, and relationships, especially marriage and good partnerships, are associated with greater feelings of security. Among women, the difference in perceived security was more pronounced.”
“The study shows that romantic compromise can come at a psychological cost,” Kislev added. “Low- or medium-quality relationships were associated with fewer positive emotions, lower life satisfaction and more negative emotions compared with being single. Interestingly, in terms of loneliness, even a poor relationship reduced loneliness compared with being single. But on other emotional measures, a poor relationship was not necessarily better. Put simply, you can be less alone and still not be happier.”
When asked whether there are warning signs that a relationship is harming mental well-being, Kislev said: “Yes, but cautiously. The study points to several indicators: a decline in life satisfaction, less happiness, less enjoyment of life, reduced feelings of safety and calm and an increase in sadness, depression, despair, melancholy or a gloomy mood. These are not clinical diagnoses, of course, but if someone feels over time that their relationship is emotionally draining, it is a signal to stop and examine what is happening. It is possible and recommended to work on a relationship, and perhaps an important principle here is that findings describe reality, but do not mean we cannot influence it through the values we bring into it.”
On why single men reported slightly more negative emotions than single women, Kislev said the gap between being single and being in a relationship was generally somewhat stronger among men. One proposed interpretation is evolutionary: men may experience stronger competition in finding partners, and prolonged singlehood may feel more emotionally threatening for some.
However, the differences were small. An interesting exception was perceived security, where single women reported lower security than single men. “In broader terms and from other studies I have conducted, women also tend to form more and higher-quality social connections, which is a key factor in women’s well-being when single,” he added.
Asked what message young people should take from the findings when choosing partners, Kislev said: “The message is not to choose a partner just to avoid being alone. It is better to invest in choosing well, in deep familiarity and in the ability to identify whether the relationship truly benefits us.”
He added: “Fear of being alone can lead people to enter relationships that are not right for them or remain in relationships that reduce their well-being. We also see in research that this fear is a major reason people return to former partners. But in reality, even if some readers may disagree on a value level, being single is not necessarily the worst state. In some cases, it is better for psychological well-being. This does not mean that wanting a relationship is a problem or that one should not work on improving relationships. But when fear drives choices, we may compromise on the wrong thing.”
What did the research change in his understanding of love and relationships?
“It clarified that love and relationships are not a magic cure for well-being and that it is not enough to be with someone. You need to be in a relationship that feels safe, satisfying, supportive and genuinely good. And if chosen, it is also possible to work on a relationship so it becomes that.”